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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made to feel disabled.

129 replies

nfin · 28/05/2017 10:48

Basic background I was driving up to four different cars a week. I moved to my dh birth country with 4 ds. My dh and I chose an automatic car together. My in law said my ds we needed an automatic as I have MS. My dh says I am over reacting to a throw away comment. I am left feeling heart broken and feel all trust has gone in 25 year marriage and afraid of future if I need assistance.

OP posts:
kali110 · 28/05/2017 13:13

I am left feeling heart broken and feel all trust has gone in 25 year marriage and afraid of future if I need assist
I think you're massively over reacting here unless there are other issues.

Zoflorabore · 28/05/2017 13:14

Op I am really struggling to understand your issues, i mean that genuinely.
I too have health problems and some things in life can be easier if adjustments are made, I'm assuming you are not happy that you are deemed to be " more disabled than you are "

I think after seeing the horrendous things on relationships board for example that some women are going through, it's a massive overstatement to suggest that your husband has done something so bad it warrants trust issues, however they present to you.

Maybe if you broke down your posts into bullet points of facts then we will be able to help you better.

Btw think you're really brave to move to the other side of the world! Hope you're enjoying it apart from the issues with the car.

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 13:14

Thanks for all comments, just need a few pick me up comments, as much as I love dh know he doesn't mind suffering as long as all know. This throw away comment makes me worried about my future

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 28/05/2017 13:15

OP, are you ok?

I can't make sense of your posts.

Can you explain why this makes you worry for your future?

ElphabaStrop · 28/05/2017 13:15

I'm completely flummoxed. 😳 I used to be able to drive a manual but since becoming disabled I can only drive an automatic. Being referred to as "disabled" if you are disabled is a fact, not an insult. Getting an automatic car now so that if and when you can no longer drive a manual seems sensible to me.

Sorry if I'm being dense but I have no idea what the problem is?

MrsJayy · 28/05/2017 13:17

What are you worried about ? Why is your husband suffering

MrsJayy · 28/05/2017 13:19

It reads to me like your family are more intouch with your illness than you are

kali110 · 28/05/2017 13:22

Why Are you worried about your future? Confused
Are there things we're all missing?
This is coming from a person with disabilities btw!

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 13:25

Zoftlorabore
Thank you have had the nail on the head, I love my life in nz, I have found a group of friends through a shared hobby which has lead on to further options. My visa is looking helpfully weeks away. My dh after thirty years away is six months off work. He should be starting next month.

OP posts:
VeryButchyRestingFace · 28/05/2017 13:26

as much as I love dh know he doesn't mind suffering as long as all know.

What? Confused

SauvignonBlanche · 28/05/2017 13:27

Having a disability is a statement of fact, it's not an insult.
I get what you're saying that you're annoyed that your DH is implying that he's restricted in his choices due to your disability but your reaction seems way over the top.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 28/05/2017 13:28

How did she hit the nail on the head? She said she doesn't understand your problem. No-one does, you really haven't said what it actually is.

Is it your dh or your in laws? Who actually said what? Why are you over reacting so much?

Waltermittythesequel · 28/05/2017 13:30

Are you drunk? What time is it in New Zealand?

Icontainmultitudes · 28/05/2017 13:31

Oh dear.

Would it be reasonable to assume that a lot of your sense of self is invested in how much you don't let the MS dictate your life and that you thought your DH was on the same page as not viewing the MS as something that disables you?

I can't imagine what it would have been like when you received your diagnoses or what the cultutral attitude to diabilities were at the time.

Neither do I know what you thought your future looked like at that time - back in the day, attitudes to such things were not enlightened and people with disabilities were looked upon as being 'less' than people without.

There was a stigma, no doubt about it.

Whilst even I am not naive enough to think that everyone has moved on from those dark days - time and attitudes for the majority have.

So someone referring to MS and by extension you, as a disability may not be a comment on who you are - just a nod to practical matters.

I don't know your private fears about how the MS will develop in older age , maybe this is triggering your reaction?

I don't know if any of this is applicable obvs and forgive me if I've overstepped.

ALittleMop · 28/05/2017 13:33

So reading this I would have assumed that his parents asked him why he chose that car and he just had to say something and that was what he came up with. So I get that you think he's used your MS as a reason, when it wasn't, and you think that was poor.

Why you think this makes you fear for your relationship, I cannot fathom

CoolCarrie · 28/05/2017 13:36

Tell them it really hasn't anything to do with them how you and your dh do. And don't let them undermine your confidence in yourself or your driving. Hope you continue to feel better.

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 13:38

UrethaFranklin
My problem is my husband and I chose an automatic together then behind my back said we needed it due to my ms

OP posts:
nonetcurtains · 28/05/2017 13:46

I'm so sorry his comment has upset you, I hope that if your MS was uppermost in his mind when choosing the car, that it was meant with love and concern. Does he know he has hurt you?

user1495707114 · 28/05/2017 13:47

So I'm assuming english is not the OP's first language which I think explains why the sentences are a bit unclear.

OP: can you explain why this would make you lose trust in your marriage after 25 years?

Maudlinmaud · 28/05/2017 13:47

Nfin I'm desperately trying to understand your posts but am having great difficulty. My car is auto because I need it to be and it means I can have independence.

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 13:47

Icontainmultitudes
Ms doesn't scare me, it is something I live. I remember the first person I met with ms. She is still going strong, twenty years later

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 28/05/2017 13:50

Who said that? Your in laws or your husband?

Your posts are incredibly confusing-you keep coming back with one sentence answers to the replies you've had which isn't really clarifying anything.

It sounds to me like you are hugely over reacting.

ElphabaStrop · 28/05/2017 13:52

Maud - same. Better to be able to drive an auto than not drive!

Lynnm63 · 28/05/2017 13:53

I understand how you feel I am disabled following an illness. My dh told me I should accept the stairlift occupational therapist said I needed 3 yrs ago as I was really struggling with stairs. I got snippy and defensive said I wasnt THAT disabled. Six months ago it was fitted as I'd stopped going upstairs. He was right.
However, thinking this incident negates 25 years of marriage is a massive overreaction. Maybe he does feel you need the automatic because of your ms. My dh uses an automatic as he has a dodgy left ankle. It's not the only reason we chose an automatic but if I told people we needed an auto because of his ankle it would be true statement.

Icontainmultitudes · 28/05/2017 13:56

Well I am very relieved to hear that, good stuff.

SO can you identify which part of the comment your DP said that has made you feel this way?

Does the reason he told to his parents make you feel,

"well what else has he not been truthful about?"

Or

"I didn't know that was in his head when making this decision about a long-term purchase - what else is he not sharing with me about his long term ideas?"

Or something else?

Being scared about your future is horrible, I hope you are able to figure out what it is about the comment that has triggered that feeling.

Good luck.