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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made to feel disabled.

129 replies

nfin · 28/05/2017 10:48

Basic background I was driving up to four different cars a week. I moved to my dh birth country with 4 ds. My dh and I chose an automatic car together. My in law said my ds we needed an automatic as I have MS. My dh says I am over reacting to a throw away comment. I am left feeling heart broken and feel all trust has gone in 25 year marriage and afraid of future if I need assistance.

OP posts:
Whosthemummynow · 28/05/2017 12:05

Lalegue My in laws didn't comment I needed an automatic

My in law said my ds we needed an automatic as I have MS

Which is it?!

Lunde · 28/05/2017 12:09

I think the issue is that nifn's dh chose the automatic (with OP's agreement) because this was the car he wanted

But now the dh has told inlaws that he had/was forced to get an automatic because of OP's MS - thereby giving the impression that her disability restricted his choice

This is not true as OP is capable of driving standard transmissions and has been driving many different ones each week

MrsJayy · 28/05/2017 12:13

Ah I see your husband has sneakily picked the car because he is assiming you need it and telling his parents this car is because of your MS yes i would be hurt by that as he isn't being truthful and patronising you.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 28/05/2017 12:17

In he very nicest possible way, YABVU. It was a throwaway comment, maybe they assumed or your DH gave that impression but their comment isn't worth the reaction from you.
I have EDSIII, quite debilitating at times, so I understand how horrible it is for people to assume that k can't do something (and it always seems worse when I actually can't and they're right).
At worst, your DH has been a bit sneaky but with your best interests at heart, trying to make your life easier, and you love the car, so I'd let this one go.

thatdearoctopus · 28/05/2017 12:17

I'm sorry but I have no idea what this thread is about.

happypoobum · 28/05/2017 12:20

I think OP is going to come back and ask why we are all saying she lives in NZ, she lives in Belgium..........

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 12:21

Lunge thank you that is how I feel.

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 28/05/2017 12:21

Why did you get an automatic?
If it was husband's choice, I guess he was future proofing the purchase.
It is no doubt tough to realise why he made that decision, but imho it sounds like he was being thoughtful and sensible.
I can understand how upset this has made you feel, but you are wrong to direct this distress towards your DH.

Floralnomad · 28/05/2017 12:25

Well even now it's been explained it still sounds like a massive over reaction on your part .

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/05/2017 12:28

Have you asked him?

nonetcurtains · 28/05/2017 12:32

nfin, I have MS too, (RRMS) and I drive. My left leg/foot is quite weak and I probably would find an automatic easier. My husband often says we should sell my car and get an auto.

I resist his suggestion every time. Yes I know it might be easier. Yes I know I could drive further with an auto. Yes I know, I know, I KNOW.
I can't really explain it but it feels like just something extra being taken away. MS has taken enough, and I know there's more to come.

I'm not even sure what I'm posting about, but I think I understand how you're feeling.

WomblingThree · 28/05/2017 12:34

I really don't understand what you are saying. What do you mean about driving 4 different cars? Do you mean you tested them before you bought it?

Can you start again and explain what you mean, and what has actually pissed you off?

(And no, I'm not being mean, I am disabled and might be able to help if I understood).

Jux · 28/05/2017 12:38

Was it your ILs who said it, or your dh who said it? Who said to whom? Was it ILs to your son or to your dh, or was it your dh who said it to your ILs or to your son?

Either way, feeling heartbroken and throwing away 25 years of marriage over this is not rational.

I have ms too, and I know full well how badly it can affect your emotions and ability to think. Please take my word for it that you have not been betrayed. You can fix this by simply telling whoever it is that dh chose the car too, and it is as much for him as it is for you. It was jot chosen because of your ms.

MrsJayy · 28/05/2017 12:40

nonetcurtains that is how i felt about the wheelchair it is a mix of pride stubborness and loss of personal control it is bloody frustrating

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 28/05/2017 12:45

I honestly don't think anyone has said anything that warrants the reaction it has got. Maybe the MS influenced DH's feelings on getting an automatic car? Maybe the inlaws thought this was the reason for the automatic? Doesn't seem a particularly unreasonable thing to assume. I'd try to let this one go or at least talk through your feelings about it without getting too upset with anyone

Justaboy · 28/05/2017 12:48

I've driven manuals and autos and no real difference except autos usually are a bit heavier on fuel.

Perhaps s/he was just trying the be sympathetic to your condition and meant well but you see that very different. I would have thought that if there were a real problem with car control as such then you could have discussed it first?.

MrsJayy · 28/05/2017 12:49

I agree you need to talk to him honestly about it l and move on i dont think you need to feel heartbroken but you feel how you feel.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 28/05/2017 12:52

I think you should be careful getting irate about a comment from your in laws that could be for any reason (few of them bad) when they are truly helpful and kind to you.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/05/2017 12:52

Did you test four manual cars and then DH picked an automatic?

What have your inlaws to do with it?

Sorry, I'm confused! If he's bought an automatic without your say so, can it be returned?

Jux · 28/05/2017 12:57

I think notnetcurtains (great name, completely agree) has the right of it. The disability takes and takes and takes, and there's no need to help it along. Go down fighting.

But I still think that your reaction is a bit strong, and that you will be able to sort it out in a short discussion.

Original poster
nfin · 28/05/2017 12:57

Wobbling Three I drove four different cars a week as part of my job. I worked full time, had four dependant children , drove a manual car, then suddenly this issue

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 28/05/2017 13:01

Ok, so did he buy the automatic without you knowing?

And your in laws told your ds it was because of your MS?

UrethaFranklin · 28/05/2017 13:03

You said that you and DH chose an automatic together so I don't get the issue either. If you wanted a manual, you should have said so!

And I think that feeling heartbroken and that all trust has gone from a 25 year marriage is a massive over reaction.

colalight · 28/05/2017 13:06

If you have MS you are disabled. It's a disability under law. I think what OP means is that she's not wheelchair bound (at least I'm assuming that's what she means).

Poor choice of wording OP

Allthewaves · 28/05/2017 13:08

Nicest way yu are overreacting. Your ms is good at the moment but it could read a point where an auto would be more suitable. I just see it as inlaws saying an auto was a sensible choice as you don't know how your health will continue.

Perhaps comment was a little pragmatic and not sensitive