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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child maintenance

57 replies

Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 10:21

My 3 year old dd is the result of an affair with a work colleague (I didn't know he was still with his partner at the time, that came later). When I found out I was pregnant and told him he admitted that him and his partner were still together despite living separately- it's a bit of an odd setup and I don't really know what to make of it.
Anyway, he told me to terminate, I refused, he said he didn't want to/couldn't have any kind of relationship with dd, fine, your choice.
Hes seen our daughter a few times, but not since she was 1 and she's about to turn 4 and start school.
Would it be really disgusting of me to put in a claim for cm? I'm agonising about this- on one hand why should he pay for a child he didn't want in the first place, on the other she is here and needs providing for.
I also run the risk of exposing him to his partner who isn't aware of our daughter, this wouldn't impact me directly as I no longer live locally but could have a knock on effect on his relationship with his children who are 14 and 9 (I think) and I dont want to cause any trouble for him.

I don't want to do it but am feeling the pinch financially atm so would I be unreasonable?

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 28/05/2017 10:24

If he didn't want anymore children he should have had a vasectomy or used a condom. Your child deserves to be provided for by her father.
He sounds like a Dick.

araiwa · 28/05/2017 10:24

he should pay for his child

i cant really believe you are actually asking the question

HandbagCrazy · 28/05/2017 10:25

I don't think you would be unreasonable but I would maybe give him a heads up and see if you can arrange something privately before going through CMS (or whatever they're called).

Auspiciouspanda · 28/05/2017 10:28

Definitely put in a CM claim, he should have thought of the consequences of cheating on his partner if he didn't want more children.

Original poster

Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 10:34

Handbag crazy I wanted to do that but I don't have any contact details for him other than work, that's if he still works in the same place which I'm not even sure of as we've not spoken in 3 years almost.

I think I'm just worried about implications for him, I know he could have put a condom on etc etc, but I don't want to ruin the man's life for the sake of a few quid if that makes sense?

OP posts:

JoMalones · 28/05/2017 10:34

How would you feel if he asked for contact? By asking for cm you are opening up that avenue as once his family knows and he is paying (which I would have put in a claim from day one) he or his partner or children might push for contact.

corlan · 28/05/2017 10:36

I think it was the great Judge Judy who said , 'If you make them, you pay for them.'
If he didn't want another child he should have used contraception. Your child needs providing for financially - it's his responsibility just as much as it yours.

Original poster

Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 10:37

Jomalones I wouldn't have an issue with contact although it would be difficult to facilitate as we now live at the other end of the country so I have no idea how it would work

OP posts:

BitchQueen90 · 28/05/2017 10:39

He should provide for his child. If he didn't want a child he should have used contraception and not cheated on his partner. You're not ruining his life, he has to face up to the consequences of his actions.

Original poster

Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 10:50

From reading your responses I'm clearly too nice!
Thanks for taking the time to reply ladies ☺

OP posts:

usernamealreadytaken · 28/05/2017 10:54

Sorry to pry so personally OP, but we're either of you using contraception? Did it fail or were you both playing STD/baby roulette? We so often hear supportive MNers crying "he should have put a rubber on" but when the woman has told him she is on the pill if he wore a rubber he too it would be all"LTB if he doesn't trust you".

theredjellybean · 28/05/2017 11:03

i think you sound a very reasonable and thoughtful person.
I also wondered about whether you had discussed contraception at the time...if a woman tells a man she is on the pill, or has a coil etc and they do not use condoms then she is pregnant , becuase she lied about her contraception or was unreliable with it...is it the man's reponsibility ? he said he did not want the child , she chose to go ahead and keep the child, her choice her responsibilty ?? but obviously only if she had reassured him that she was taking reliable contraception.

If you both took the risk knowing the risk then yes you are jointly responsible for the outcome...

kaytee87 · 28/05/2017 11:04

username I doubt anyone would tell someone to leave a person because they were taking responsibility for their own reproduction and sexual health especially in what sounded like a new relationship / fling.

Original poster

Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 11:10

Sorry I did post another reply but it crashed for some reason.
I was on the depo but was late in getting it updated, we hadn't seen each other for a while prior to this one encounter so I wasn't concerned about being late getting it. Obviously sleeping with him wasn't planned, a friend had passed away very suddenly, he knocked to ask if I was ok and one thing led to another (this may have been deliberate, who the heck knows).

Yes I was stupid, yes I have taken action to ensure this doesn't happen again. I have been celibate since that night but have an implant in the unlikely event I meet somebody! I realise youweren't judging in your post but just wanted to make it clear that I'm not always an idiot lol

OP posts:

JuicyStrawberry · 28/05/2017 11:11

Definitely put in a claim. He had sex and a baby resulted from that so he needs to take responsibility for her financially. So what if he has other children to support? That doesn't mean yours should go without!

C0untDucku1a · 28/05/2017 11:11

You should be claiming cm. if you font need it now, remember children get much mre expensive and even if you can manage the teen years on your income alone, the child having a savings pot for uni / travel / living independently is still important.

Jo Children are not pay-per-view. He isnt interested in seeing the child. If he suddenly wanted to he would have a right as father to pursue that even without ever having paid a penny towards feeding his child.

C0untDucku1a · 28/05/2017 11:12

Holy hell. Just read your latest post. He preyed on you when he knew youd be vulnerable. What a cock.

Original poster

Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 11:16

Count I do get jo's post- if I go ahead with this my dd then becomes 'real' to him, to his family, who as far as I know have no idea she even exists and would possibly want a relationship with her if they did know.

OP posts:

Justanothernameonthepage · 28/05/2017 11:18

He had a child. If he'd wanted to avoid having a child, he would have avoided sex. If he'd sorted out paying something to enable his child to be more secure you wouldn't be going through CM. But if you are worried about upsetting him (although doesn't sound as though he cared about upsetting you) then give him a heads up

Inertia · 28/05/2017 11:19

To be honest you should have been charging for the last four years. It's your child's money, she is entitled to be supported by both parents.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 11:20

Of course you should claim. Seriously wake up in the nicest possible way.

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 11:21

Katy I agree. Have never heard any LTBs in that scenario. That's just called taking responsibility. OP I don't think it matters at all what contraception you were using. At the end of the day, it's a well known fact that sex can lead to a baby - any contraception can fail. He knew that by having sex he was risking a pregnancy.

It's a tricky one. Yes, he absolutely has an obligation to pay for his child and you should not feel ashamed or guilty for asking him to do so. You shouldn't have to ask. It's shocking to me that he thinks he could opt out of this. So many people think that contact and maintenance go hand in hand and you can't have one without the other. This, of course, is bollocks. You can be a complete arsehole and refuse to see your child, but you cannot (or certainly should not) shirk your financial obligations. Whether or not a father sees his child, they still need to be clothed and fed.

However, if you go down this road then you are opening up the possibility that he will want contact. Is that something that you are prepared for? Is it something that your son is prepared for? Once deadbeat dad is paying maintenance and his secret is out, he might suddenly decide he wants to be a part of your son's life as he has nothing more to lose. What if he is angry with you for blowing his cover (not that he has any right to be)? He could potentially make things very difficult for you and once you've opened that can of worms you won't be able to shut it.

If it were me, as infuriating as it would be for him to be let off the hook, I would try my very best to manage without CM purely because I wouldn't want this loser and his family to have any control or input in my child's life.

HerOtherHalf · 28/05/2017 11:24

Your child has a moral and legal right to be financially supported by her father, whether he wants a relationship with her or not. It's as simple as that.

C0RAL · 28/05/2017 11:24

Are you mad ? Of course you should be claiming and you should have done so 4 years ago.

It was his choice to have an affair and risk having a baby. Any consequences for his partner and other children are his responsibility. If he didn't want a CMS claim he should have agreed maintenance with you directly 4 years ago.

andintothefire · 28/05/2017 11:27

Agree with PPs - he should definitely be paying. Don't worry about "ruining his life" - he should have thought of that not only at the time when he was sleeping with you but also in the four years since when any decent man would have offered to support his daughter financially without needing to be asked.

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