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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

57 replies

Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 10:21

My 3 year old dd is the result of an affair with a work colleague (I didn't know he was still with his partner at the time, that came later). When I found out I was pregnant and told him he admitted that him and his partner were still together despite living separately- it's a bit of an odd setup and I don't really know what to make of it.
Anyway, he told me to terminate, I refused, he said he didn't want to/couldn't have any kind of relationship with dd, fine, your choice.
Hes seen our daughter a few times, but not since she was 1 and she's about to turn 4 and start school.
Would it be really disgusting of me to put in a claim for cm? I'm agonising about this- on one hand why should he pay for a child he didn't want in the first place, on the other she is here and needs providing for.
I also run the risk of exposing him to his partner who isn't aware of our daughter, this wouldn't impact me directly as I no longer live locally but could have a knock on effect on his relationship with his children who are 14 and 9 (I think) and I dont want to cause any trouble for him.

I don't want to do it but am feeling the pinch financially atm so would I be unreasonable?

OP posts:
JoMalones · 28/05/2017 11:34

I didn't mean pay per view!! I meant that as sparkles said, the child would become real. At the moment DC doesn't exist to the father or his family, once his family find out, they might put pressure to see the child, or they might look for regular contact (if living far away this would be for nights at a time). The OP needs to really think if it is something she would be comfortable with. With parental responsibility he gets a say if she can travel abroad, which school is chosen, medical treatments, he gets an equal say but at the moment he has no say.

WatchingFromTheWings · 28/05/2017 11:35

I think I'm just worried about implications for him

That's for him to worry about, not you. He needs to support his child. If he didn't want a baby he should have put something on the end of it, not try to opt out once you were already pregnant.

JoMalones · 28/05/2017 11:40

OP, if you didn't need the money, would you still potentially want him in her life? I do believe that children should know their father and I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I'm guessing he isn't on the birth certificate but by seeking maintenance you are giving him parental responsibility which means that he can have a say. If you want to move abroad, it's not your choice, as her father he can take you to court to prevent you moving. If you want to go on holiday, you need a court order or his permission to travel abroad. If you are happy for him to take a parental role then great, but I just wanted to make sure you are aware that he has equal rights once he has parental responsibility (or whatever a court order states)

Justanothernameonthepage · 28/05/2017 11:41

Jo, you might want to double check the law. Child maintenance does not infer PR. It's treated separately

TheGreyBlock · 28/05/2017 11:41

Him paying Maintenance does not give him parental responsibility. He'd have to apply to the court for that.

YANBU. He should be financially supporting his child.

Justanothernameonthepage · 28/05/2017 11:43

Unless he's on the birth certificate in which case he has it already. Otherwise he's have to apply or have OP agree. And since he's not currently involved in the DC life, he would have to have a very good reason why he should get it childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/

JoMalones · 28/05/2017 11:52

Sorry just I stand corrected. It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to push for PR though once his partner found out. My friend in similar circumstances had this, the father's partner wanted to embrace the child (more than the father) so pushed him and he got weekend and holiday contact and PR. Being young, the child didn't get a voice in court and was expected to be flexible being so young.

Original poster
Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 11:52

I genuinely wouldn't have an issue with contact, or parental responsibility if he wanted it, he's not the sort of Man who's difficult for the sake of it.
He's not a bad man either, just stupid and clearly can't keep it in his pants. I'm under no illusion that I'm the only person he's cheated with!
Re contact- as said, I have no issue with this, we are no longer local so it would be difficult but not impossible. I can't see a judge sending a 3 or 4 year old off to stay with someone who is effectively a stranger right from the off to be honest.

I actually can't see contact being an issue- I had several dealings with his partner when I worked with him and she wasn't very pleasant, I can imagine the only circumstances she would want contact is so she can give me a black eye.

Thank you again, all of you. I think I will go ahead with applying once I've saved up the fee Smile

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 28/05/2017 11:53

Absolutely claim, it's not your dd fault and if you don't need the money put it away for her future

Paddingtonbearscoat · 28/05/2017 12:04

Well you and your dd are definitely entitled to maintenance. Of course he should pay for his child, you should not feel guilty about this, in fact he is behaving terribly by basically abandoning her.

But, from what I know of the cms they aren't always effective. It could open up a can of worms with him wanting contact, making demands, getting nasty.

thethoughtfox · 28/05/2017 12:15

Do it soon because, from what I have read on MN, you can't get it back dated to before your claim.

usernamealreadytaken · 28/05/2017 12:17

Lady thank you for answering honestly, and I hope you don't feel too publicly scrutinised! At the end of the day yes he should be paying, but it is really up to you whether you want his money. You are not obligated to take it, but if it would help you out then go for it. I think it will be easier if he is on the birth cert, otherwise will you have to hope he accepts responsibility?

Original poster
Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 12:50

It's fine username I'm not offended or anything, it is what it is!

I do believe that he has the right to contest paternity and take a dna test, however if he just doesn't contact them they will assume paternity and go ahead with the assessment if they can. This is how I understand it so it may well not be that simple.

OP posts:
Blinkyblink · 28/05/2017 12:54

Absolutely seek the money

BUT

Ask yourself if you're prepared to potentially open a big can of worms. Perhaps this mans children wants to meet their half sibling, which then leads to every other weekend you dd stays with them etc

It's a possibility and one you need to consider

Original poster
Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 13:04

Blinky I genuinely can't see that happening- I would be amazed if anybody seeks contact with my dd, I just can't see it (I'm so sure I said it twice lol). I will be a disgusting human being for having a baby with a man who is in a relationship and our daughter will be guilty by association.

As I said previously, I don't actually have an issue with contact, although it would have to be short and sweet at first given my dd has no clue who these people are, but I really don't think it'll happen

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 28/05/2017 13:15

You both should've used protection. Why should you be the only one facing any consequences?

He sounds like a total knob, cheating on his partner, lying to you about it, taking advantage when you were vulnerable and not even bothering to use contraception. And right now he's getting off scot free.

Allthewaves · 28/05/2017 13:22

You don't think contact will happen but you need to prepare if it does. After a short period of getting to know a judge could oder 50:50 contact, esp if bloke said u didn't tell him dd existed. U r playing Russian roulette if u want this money. I'd let it be

Original poster
Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 13:31

Allthewaves, no judge would order 50:50 contact when we live 250 miles apart, I can prove he knew of her existence as well, I have a letter upstairs he sent me after he met her the first time. As I previously said, I don't have any problem with contact, as I do believe children should see both parents if possible

OP posts:
ElsieMc · 28/05/2017 13:45

You should not be worrying about his feelings here. You need to apply to the CMS asap. I am a grandparent carer and only applied when gs was three years old. There were no questions asked about the delay. It wont be "unfair" on his other children because this will be taken into account in the financial assessment.

The only person to consider is your child here and her right to financial support.

Movingin2017 · 28/05/2017 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

memyselfandaye · 28/05/2017 13:57

Allthewaves Stop scaremongering fgs.

rhinorocks · 28/05/2017 14:40

Are they living apart for benefit fraud?

kaytee87 · 28/05/2017 15:31

allthewaves you're talking rubbish.

Original poster
Ladycsparkles · 28/05/2017 16:32

Rhinorocks I don't know- he works, as far as I am aware hes always worked. They didn't live together the whole time I knew him. Like I said, I don't understand the set up personally.

It's OK. Allthewaves is entitled to her opinion and I'm not scared. 50/50 care wouldnt even be an option considering how far away we live from each other so that's not a concern for me in the slightest..
If he wanted contact he could have it regardless of whether he pays anything, I wouldnt stop that

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 28/05/2017 16:41

I think the first step would to be contact him to ask him to pay voluntarily as this would give him the chance to do so privately without his partner knowing if you want to be that kind to him.

If he then refuses then you can go via CMS route.

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