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Original poster

To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

351 replies

user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 20:02

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
Amammi · 28/05/2017 19:16

Infertility is a huge issue now for young people and is sadly commonly experienced by women who wait to establish their careers before starting a family. Maybe she's met women who've confided in her during their pregancies and deliveries and is keen to be a mum and wants to avoid those problems.

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 19:18

Umpteen can you read? Where on earth has anyone said that WOHMs should feel guilty?

Have no idea what you mean by "the likes of me" since all you know about me is that I am a SAHM. Are you saying that nobody cares about the opinions of SAHMs, that we are that worthless? I am simply someone who does not take kindly to having my personal choices ripped to shreds when I would not dream of doing the same to others. I would never run a working mum down for having a paid job so why should I put up with it coming back the other way? If that's what you mean by "the likes of me" then that's not a bad way to be. Much better than being like some of you nasty folks.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 28/05/2017 19:25

I'm writing this realising that it'll probably get lost in the others, but anyway...

OP I am an ex nurse and midwife. I just wanted to say that burn out in these careers can happen very quickly. The difference between being a student and being qualified, and usually dumped on from a great height, is vast. I spent many of my 14+ hour shifts being the only MW in sole charge of a 32 bed postnatal ward. It's not right but when there's only just enough staff to cover the maternity services there's not much option. The pressure is incredible, and the expectation of many of the people using the service is unachievable at times.

If she does decide to have a break, and then wants to go back in time, it is possible and doesn't involve the same level of training. There are also other ways of maintaining her registration without being a front-line midwife.

Just wanted to wish you both well.

Mamabear12 · 28/05/2017 19:34

And what if she doesn't get pregnant? Or it takes ten years? Will she just sit home doing nothing? I would encourage her to at least wait until she has the baby to stop working! Also, 50% marriages end in divorce, do they have a prenup stating he will still take care of her if they divorce, as she hasn't been working all those years? I would make sure she is prepared for all this. Some women stay home and then get divorced and the partners who were all too willing for the women to stay home take care of the house and kids, but then not be will to keep paying them after they split! I am a stay at home mom, after having my second child...but now planning to do part time work on my own accord once my youngest starts full time school...because I want something of my own and its always nice to have some extra money....and a back up if something happens!

Primaryteach87 · 28/05/2017 19:38

I think it's a wonderful plan! I'm a SAHM, most I know are professionally qualified. When you look at the evidence for under threes, it is great if she can afford it. As they are married, she is already protected should her and her DH split up.
I may not be able to go back to my job in the future, but I'll never regret the day to day presence with my two tiny children. Read Steve Biddulph's books.

Umpteenthnamechange · 28/05/2017 19:46

some of you nasty folks applies to you too. That's the likes of you.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 28/05/2017 20:09

You should use more words in your posts umpteenth

Makes them easier to understand

When you say 'the likes of you' do you mean SAHM?

Because you are not being very clear...at all

HorridHenryrule · 28/05/2017 20:13

WTF more mud slinging.

NameChange30 · 28/05/2017 20:15

Yep, all very tedious.

grannytomine · 28/05/2017 20:31

Rufus nooooooooooooooooooo, you must stop the sneezing. Those brain cells are too precious to waste.

grannytomine · 28/05/2017 20:34

As someone who coped with working in the 60s on exactly half the salary of men doing the same job and suffered abuse and criticism in the 1970s for choosing to work and study and be a mum, I am so sad that women are criticizing each other for their choices. That isn't what we were fighting for back then.

allowlsthinkalot · 28/05/2017 20:36

Those saying that the OP's dd shouldn't have taken a place on the course...of my cohort of 16 nurses I only know one still nursing ten years later.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 28/05/2017 20:37

granny

Those brain cells are too precious to waste.

Possibly not in my case to be fair Grin

But i do agree with your last post...its fucking depressing

IntrusiveBastards · 28/05/2017 20:39

Many people feel like that working too.

Of course they do which is why I'd hope they'd be able to find alternate work or leave. I was referencing in relation to the post up thread where someone had admitted they disliked being at home for maternity and prefered work and someone else was defensive over it.

I'd love to sah if I could, it would be impossible for both financial and mental health reasons. It should be valued as should being a working parent out of the home. Some people are very suited to being SAHP others aren't. Some people intend to return to work or stay at home but change their minds because of how maternity leave goes. Both should be valued. I just don't feel that way about housewives.

grannytomine · 28/05/2017 21:35

Rufus I am sure your brain cells are very precious and yes it so very depressing, we don't need men to oppress us that's for sure we do such a good job ourselves.

Themoreitsnowstiddlypom · 28/05/2017 21:44

Ultimately I want my kids to be happy, if my daughter made is decision and she was happy with her choice I would be happy for her. Like wise if she decided to be a career woman what ever, she is freed to carve out the life that makes her happy.

SleightOfHand · 28/05/2017 21:46

Do women working outside the home think that women working inside the home are letting the side down or something? Why so much hatred. If you want a career then great, why do you care what other women choose to do with their life.

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 21:54

Umpteen can you please point out the post where I have belittled another mother's choice? Where I have criticised WOHMs or SAHMs? I'll save you some time. I have said no such thing. I have only levelled criticism at those particular people on this thread who are attacking SAHMs. And there's nothing nasty about that.

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 21:56

By the way, your "the likes of you" comment still makes no fucking sense.

nannybeach · 28/05/2017 21:59

Am being berated on another thread by people who dont want to take their DH name when they marry recon its tantamount to slavery, and loosing your identity, who come they are happy to stay at home and be "kept" by these same men whose name they dont want?

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 28/05/2017 22:12

nanny

So all those women on the other thread are long term sahm?

By long term i mean that there children are in school

And they are not being 'kept' for goodness sake

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 28/05/2017 22:15

Their not there for goodness sake

Daddystepdaddy · 28/05/2017 22:18

Either part-time or continue in some other sort of work. My DW could easily have become a SAHM, nothing wrong with it, but she is very happy being able to work part-time and continue with her career.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 28/05/2017 22:25

Just flicked through that thread nanny

Can't see all those sahm women being 'kept' by their men and refusing to change their names

Might have missed some though...

chipscheeseandgravy · 29/05/2017 00:55

Have you considered she may not actually enjoy the job as much as she thought.
Alternatively she may have realised that working as a midwife and bringing up a child may involve sacrifices she simply isn't ready for. Either personal (time spent with baby and dh), or professional. The long hours/shift work can be hell for childcare. She also may feel differently about the idea of leaving a child/baby with a nanny or a nursery. I know I felt different after having my dc when it came to returning to work. I wouldn't fancy leaving him all day at nursery (this is not a dig at those that do!)