To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

[user1495062634]

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

It's not just divorce that's a worry. My DH is being made redundant. Thank feck I have a decent job otherwise we'd be totally screwed.

Eggs in one basket in the current economic situation is unwise imo.

I too am shocked by the anti SAHM sentiments on MN. My teenage daughter told me recently that all she wanted to do was find a husband who could financially support her so that she could start a family. My initial reaction was to be a bit shocked but then thought back to my teens and remembered that that was all I actually wanted too. This is a natural instinct in many girls/women but has become unmentionable because of feminism.

A woman (or man) with children deciding it would be best for her family if she has a career break for a couple of years while the children are very small is fine but deciding that you are never going to work as a teenager long before you even have a family is another. That was common in the 60s and 70s and many girls didn't bother working at school because of it. It is pretty sad that aspirations aren't any higher for some girls in 2017 and the fact you think it is a "natural instinct" says it all.

Rubbish Your comment is quite insulting to someone like myself. DH makes silly money and I have stuck through 5 years of hell to get out the other side of having 3 DC only to read that actually the work I do and the income associated with that is meaningless. It's quite a rude comment to read.

You've misunderstood me. Zee was being quite rude about never relying on others for an income, and that SHE works for a living.

But she doesn't, she is independently wealthy! She works and earns, yes, but she can't be all superior about 'working for a living'.

I'm not sure how you got from that, that your work and income are worthless because your DH is highly paid.

I don't see anything wrong in your DDs decision.
That's what she wants now. She may find later on she wants to return to work. OK, she may have to retrain but what's wrong with that?
I don't understand this obsession these days that a woman, who doesn't financially have to, must want a career and juggle that with
children if she doesn't want to.
You don't have to agree with your daughter but why can't you be happy she is doing what she really wants and be glad she is in a position to do so.
She is lucky.

Motherhood can be a career in itself. Don't undermine it.

In theory being a SAHM mum is great but so many issues I would be worried about.
Being able to earn a decent wage isn't just about divorce but also if your partner becomes unable to work. What if he gets sick or disabled so they can no longer work.

Being able to support yourself also gives you more choices if the marriage doesn't workout. Most divorces are instigated by women.

I would also be concerned about pensions, financial decisions all being equal. It sounds like some women on this thread have had those conversations and they are essential.

Finally I'd be worried about people changing and unfortunately they do. Her partner probably sounds lovely now but babies change things. My DH is a feminist on paper but he found it very easy when I was on maternity leave to start to see stuff that previously he would have done as my job.

The other area where things can change is at work. Nothing like a big fat pay cheque for some one to start feeling they're a little bit special. Her DH may remain a delight but I've seen plenty who haven't.

The above would be my concerns about being a SAHM. I'll admit I'm someone who worries though and like to do what I can to alleviate those worries. I still work part time and have kept my full time earning power which for me is very important.

I agree op. I too would be disappointed. I want dd to decide she will have it all - a good career, caring and supportive relationship AND be a mother. To those saying 'motherhood IS a career' - no, it isn't. It's an honour and a privilege. Many women choose to combine motherhood with having a career too, or need to work to have appropriate finances. That doesn't make them any less of a mother. I'd hate the thought of my dd being completely dependent financially on someone else as it is so open to abuse.

Having said all of this, if that was indeed her choice then, as an adult, I'd have to respect her decision. I think a parent's job is to guide, but there's a fine line between guidance and interference.

*In theory being a SAHM mum is great but so many issues I would be worried about.
Being able to earn a decent wage isn't just about divorce but also if your partner becomes unable to work. What if he gets sick or disabled so they can no longer work.
*

No that doesn't worry me one jot.

I have confidence in my abilties and I have a flexible approach.

I have several good friends and we all became SAHMS for many years
Now 20 years down the line we are all doing amazingly well.

I jacked in my job as a research scientist- I now earn twice what I would have earned, and I work part time in a creative self employed capacity.

My friends-
One was a nanny, now runs her own landscaping business
One was a librarian, now owns and runs an alternative health clinic
One was a project manager, now is a freelance IT trainer.
One was a carer, now a full time artist.

My other friends who kept working have pretty much stayed in the same humdrum roles for the past 20 years.

Having the time and freedom of being a SAHM have been a massive life changer for me and my friends.

I can understand your concern. Imo she is showing a distinct lack of common sense, foresight and interest in her profession. All essential attributes in such a demanding career. So perhaps she should just stay at home.

Sounds fab Westray, if only it were that way for everyone.

TheweewitchRoz

But it can be that way. Taking a leap of faith and having the confidence.

Also having the time and space that being a SAHM gives.
A perfect nurturing ground for developing a business.

Working full time and caring for a family doesn't give much time or energy to cultivate business ideas.

I want dd to decide she will have it all

I mean this kindly, but you are setting her up for a big disappointment. You can't "have it all" as you put it. You want a big job/hugely successful career? You need to put in long hours and probably a lot of international travel. So (unless your partner is a SAHD), you see very little of your children, who will spend the vast majority of their waking hours in the care of a paid employee.

I had one of those jobs. I'm now a SAHM. What would I say to my DD? I think the most valuable thing in life is to be able to have choices. Education is the key to that. I would like her to be able to do what she decides she wants to do. It sounds like the OP's daughter is working out her own choices and I'd say (provided she has fully thought out - as well as anyone can when we are talking about the future - the consequences of her own decisions) the OP should be pleased about that.

Littlelion my mother felt duty bound to "have it all" due to having it drummed into her that this is what women had been fighting for etc. Result was she had a professional job, big house, 4 kids at private school, nanny, cleaner, gardener - and cooked dinner with her coat still on whilst screaming at us for being ungrateful.

She then retired at 55 to spend her next ten years gardening and constantly demanding reasurance that she'd been a great mother and made the right choices.

Nobody of either sex has it all - the men with the willy waving 24/7 I'm Mr Important careers barely know their kids and dump everything on their wives too.

Might not be as bad as you think. There's something to be said for having your children young and returning to work later. We'll always need midwives.

I'm really shocked at some of the attitudes in this thread. There's nothing wrong with sah if that's a choice you make with your partner and you're both happy. She's 24. She can easily sah for 10 years and re-enter the workforce at 35. Plenty of midwives don't train until that age. All she'd need is a six month course to go back at that point. You are being ridiculous and judgy and rude. Let her live her own life.

Littlelion when you have children something's got to give. Everyone I know who has a very successful career works hard at it- long hours, trips abroad, professional exams, lots of pressure. Compromises have to be made. I think in an ideal world compromises will be made by both parents which is what I'd tell either of my children.

Her husband will lose respect for and interest in her very quickly because when you stop working your world becomes tiny and insular, your brain turns to mush.

Goodness

How quickly is very quickly

Please...i need to know

I have been at home for the majority of the time for over 18 years now...when is he going to lose interest in me

I think in an ideal world compromises will be made by both parents

Neither OH or I have made any compromises.

Is brain turning to mush a scientific thing?

I am really frightened to blow my nose

Three seems to be a very cynical view of relationships. Entering into a partnership and parenthood with the view that it could end at any time, that you will be taken advantage off, that you are 'living off' your partner who is out working when you agree to stay at home to nurture and raise your children?
I know relationships break down, I know there are people who abuse their relationship, but it would be a good idea to choose more carefully if you expect that to be the outcome.
Being a stay at home parent only turns your head to mush if you are not really 'into it' Just because it's not for you doesn't mean it can't be totally fulfilling for someone else. It is ridiculous to say you will become boring to your partner. If you do its because you ARE boring and not because you are a SAH parent.
You are not living off your partner if you are being the main child career and managing the home. You are earning your share of their salary.
Good luck to anyone who chooses that path because it's what they really want.

rufus- yes the brain actually liquifies.

Before being a SAHM I was a research chemist.

Now I can't even count up to five.

But if you're nurturing a business then you're not a SAHM are you Westray?

Time and space aren't generally there in bucket loads in the event of divorce, illness or redundancy. Having faith in yourself is not a back up plan.

Rufus, I've only been a SAHM for 3.5 years and dp still shows a passing interest, despite my mushy, simpleton brain! Maybe the respect goes first, after say 25 years and is followed by the interest?

Really Westray? No compromises? That's amazing!

You are not living off your partner if you are being the main child career and managing the home. You are earning your share of their salary

What a load of rubbish. If I had no DH I'd still be managing a home, looking after my children etc. It would be no different. The same jobs would still gave to be done.

We all have our dreams, it is her life. You might have had a different dream for her but that is all it is , a dream. I wouldn't worry too much, her registration won't lapse immediately, she has 3 years doesn't she? In that time she might feel differently or she might feel really confident that her decision was right. She could do many, many things that would be worse than being a SAHM.

I am really frightened to blow my nose just make sure you don't sneeze, it could be disastrous.