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Original poster

To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

351 replies

user1495062634 · 27/05/2017 20:02

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 17:24

Bold fail Blush

zeezeek · 28/05/2017 17:31

I don't feel,guilty for working and I certainly don't feel jealous. I also don't get the whole career sacrifice thing when it is a choice that these women are making freely and are actually relishing staying at home.

JacquesHammer · 28/05/2017 17:34

I don't feel,guilty for working and I certainly don't feel jealous. I also don't get the whole career sacrifice thing when it is a choice that these women are making freely and are actually relishing staying at home

What is there to get?! Hmm

Are you really so lacking in imagination that you can't work out that some people do things - and want to do things - differently from you?!

zeezeek · 28/05/2017 17:38

Then why not own their choices instead of making themselves into martyrs? It's so tedious.

JacquesHammer · 28/05/2017 17:40

Then why not own their choices instead of making themselves into martyrs? It's so tedious

You must move in waaaaaay different circles from me because I have never met the SAHM who IS a martyr. I have met plenty of WOHM who are though Grin

I was a SAHM until DD was 8. It was the most amazing period of my life.

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 17:49

Zee either your comprehension skills are appalling or you are deliberately misunderstanding. WOHMs shouldn't feel guilty. But neither should SAHMs. And if a WOHM is so invested in another parent's choice that they feel the need to aggressively run them down (which is evidently the case for at least some of them on this thread and other similar ones currently ongoing) then yes, I do conclude that they are probably jealous or feeling guilty.

I don't know any SAHMs who consider themselves to be martyrs. I do "own my choice" to be a SAHM because why the fuck wouldn't I? It's a perfectly valid option. I certainly do not require validation from you or others like you who seem to enjoy picking apart the way my family works, so couldn't really care less if you "get it" or not.

zeezeek · 28/05/2017 17:49

Oh, I've met several. I think I prefer my circles to yours, but then, I tend to avoid the tedium of the playground.

zeezeek · 28/05/2017 17:51

If it makes you feel,better to believe that people are jealous or guilty then go ahead and think it.

I'm out of here thank fuck.

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 17:53

Wow you really are a piece of work.

JacquesHammer · 28/05/2017 17:53

Oh, I've met several. I think I prefer my circles to yours, but then, I tend to avoid the tedium of the playground

Gosh aren't we LUCKY to have someone so superior to tell us all about our choices. Nothing tedious about that at all, right?

I'm out of here thank fuck

Believe me you're not the only one thinking that Grin

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 17:56

It's a shame you've flounced Zee because I was hoping you could explain why it is that you are so aggressive in your attacks on SAHMs? If I'm wrong and you're not jealous, why do you care enough to try and run SAHMs down? Nobody is running your choices down, so it's not a case of being defensive. You're just being nasty and I wonder why you would bother, rather than just accepting that some people do things differently to you and it's none of your business?

JacquesHammer · 28/05/2017 17:58

I actually feel really sorry for Zee. I can't imagine being so insecure in my life choices the only way I could make myself feel better is to criticise and sneer at others. I think that's genuinely a really sad way to feel.

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 18:05

Jacques indeed. She has bigger fish to fry in terms of the example she sets her children than whether she is in paid employment or not.

Want2bSupermum · 28/05/2017 18:08

I'm confused why zee is being accused of attacking SAHMs. All they said is that they have enough wealth for their DC to not have a career yet they still push for their DC to work towards their career.

My father inherited wealth and all the responsibilities that go with it. That will all go to my brother. My brother has spent the last 15 years in the army and has left to continue working after finishing his masters in Middle East politics. He doesn't have to work. My SIL is currently requalifying in Canada so she can continue with her career. It's 100% her choice to peruse her career and everyone in the family is supportive of her choice. If she decides to stay home once DC arrives that will be respected too.

Quite frankly it's none of anyone's business what choice a mother makes. There are consequences to both routes and it's up to each family to decide on what is best. I have two DC and I want them to have a true choice therefore I plan to push them to peruse a career so they have a true choice when their time comes to make their choice to work or not when raising a family.

Ratatatouille · 28/05/2017 18:14

No that's not all she's saying Want2.

I think I prefer my circles to yours, but then, I tend to avoid the tedium of the playground

why not own their choices instead of making themselves into martyrs? It's so tedious

There are other reasons to work - self respect, intellectual curiosity and to contribute to society.

You don't understand why any of that is offensive towards SAHMs?

Want2bSupermum · 28/05/2017 18:19

I took that as a defensive reply to her earlier posts.

Yeah that is rude. Playground is where I'm at now and I work FT. You don't get out of it!!!

Nancy91 · 28/05/2017 18:21

Obviously it is up to the individual to decide what is right for their family, but I wouldn't feel financially safe not working and in my experience many employers look down on SAHMs if they try to go back to work after years of being at home.

Umpteenthnamechange · 28/05/2017 18:23

ratatouille shiny shits aren't given about you or the likes of you either.

Umpteenthnamechange · 28/05/2017 18:26

And I never understand this guilt thing. I come form a developing country where girls are aborted and trafficked and raped as a matter of course. In that country I come from a long line of women who fought many battles to be allowed to go to school and every aunt of mine, my mum and my grandmothers followed their careers and became the wonderful amazing women I look up to.

When I look at DS my family my home my garden my career which i passionately love and which gives me so much stimulation - I feel nothing but pride. At where I've come from where I am and where I'm going.

Guilt does not feature. Delight does. Exhaustion does. Pride does. Never ever guilt.

zeezeek · 28/05/2017 18:29

No, not flouncing. Needing to get to the airport so no time to continue being attacked by passive aggressive posts 😂

PeterhouseMS · 28/05/2017 18:30

Your DD is taking a huge risk OP. However, it is her choice.

I hope it works out for her. If it doesn't, she has little fallback.

GetAHaircutCarl · 28/05/2017 18:30

I understand what zee is saying.

DH and I have invested well. We own a lot of property. It's probable that our DC would never have to work and we could let them live off the income.

But we don't want that. We want them to have careers and earn their own money and make their own successes.

GetAHaircutCarl · 28/05/2017 18:35

umpteen same. I feel no guilt only pride and satisfaction.

And I don't even need to work. Never have really since I met DH.

In fact he feels guilty for buying into the idea that to be successful you have to work silly hours and prioritise it above family. He's found you don't. And he wishes he'd done it sooner.

hackmum · 28/05/2017 18:40

My closest friend has been an SAHM for more than 20 years. Her DH earns enough that she doesn't need to work. She's one of the most intelligent and interesting people I know. She reads widely and does a lot of volunteering work. The idea that bringing up children means you have to drop all your intellectual interests is insulting, to say the least. Methinks zeezeek doth protest too much.

ultramar1ne · 28/05/2017 19:08

OP - Your daughter's career is working with babies. Of course she would want to be with her own for as long as possible!

I was a Child Psychotherapist before our DC (we had 4). My instinct was to stay with my children and I found every stage fascinating. I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever.

DH grew up largely without his mother around and didn't want to repeat that with his own family. Since I became a SAHM 13 years ago, he has had the freedom to build up and sell various companies and make the kind of money that has transformed our circumstances. The DC have properties in their names, trust funds for their future, education paid for, etc. I don't think this would have been the case if I had been working as it would have curtailed DH's ability to achieve what he has business-wise.

Although DH and I have had very different and quite traditional roles, we have mutual respect. Some might say our set-up is not "feminist" but the fact is its worked for us. I feel as if I have had the freedom to live my life in the way that's most meaningful to me, and he has been able to follow through on what he set out to do.

Your daughter is qualified so can return to work later. Sounds like her DH is happy with this, so why make life harder than it needs to be?

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