To feel disheartened over daughter's decision to become a housewife

[user1495062634]

Before you jump on me, please read below.

My daughter (aged 24) is a recently qualified midwife, and has been in her new London job for a couple of months. Recently, she informed me she is planning to leave her career behind, as they are trying for a baby, and her ultimate ambition is to become a housewife/stay at home mum. Admittedly, her and her new husband are financially well-off, and so she doesn't have the financial incentive to work.

It's all so clear to her, but so, so muggy for me. I can't get my head around it and feel so disappointed. After 3 years of gruelling training at university, landing a London hospital job and beginning to move up the ranks, I just can't understand how she can give it all up so easily. This also isn't a job she can easily pick back up where she left, after so many years of not practising she will have to go back and retrain, if that's what she decided to do.

This doesn't come as a complete shock - she has always dreamt of being a housewife/SAHM, ever since being a teenager - but I'm astounded she's really going ahead with it now.

I have not yet spoken to her about how I truly feel, and my plan is to await responses on here before deciding on whether to do that, and how to say it.

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

I think its called guilt although few would admit it.

There you go. Wonderful PA attack on working mothers (always mothers) - so to give it right back to you "I think its called inadequacy altho that few would admit it."

Horrible innit? To be made to feel inadequate by implication? To be implied inadequacy upon?

Equally horrible when you trot out that guilt line.

So stop it.

But do you not think it'll be really nice for your future grandchildren to have their mum at home to look after them, instead of having long stints in childcare while your dd is on shift work.

As someone a similar age to your daughter who got married at 23 and had a ds at 25, and who has a professional role in the NHS, I'd be pretty pissed off if my mum felt it was her place to tell me she was disappointed in me giving up work to be a SAHM. Fwiw, I flirted with the idea because I was very unhappy with my job before I went on mat leave and DHs job is very long hours and very, very stressful and it would make life easier for us if I was at home. However, I was fortunate enough to have got a PhD studentship to go back to uni in October, so I'm having the summer as an unemployed SAHM before I start that instead of going back to work.

My child is going into full time childcare as of October so I'm def not in any way against parents going out to work, but I also think it is nice for the kids when people (mums and dads) want to and are able to stay at home while the children are little.

There's a crucial difference between "housewife" and "SAHM", and I'm surprised the OP and others have conflated the two. The difference is having a child (or children) to look after. I think it pretty much goes without saying that leaving work to be a SAHP is a more than valid choice. But I would find it difficult to understand and respect a decision to leave work to do nothing other than housework! I guess if someone is independently wealthy they might prefer not to do paid work (you could still occupy yourself with voluntary work, travel, hobbies etc) but depending financially on a spouse who works full time... it's just a bit weird and unequal.
If someone is unable to do paid work due to a disability or health condition, that's different of course. I wonder if the OP's DD is under a lot of stress at work (it sounds like it) and thinking that she might as well quit since they (as a couple) don't need the money? In that case I would advise thinking about other job options that are more compatible with work-life balance.

If it takes them a long time to conceive - or they can't conceive at all - she might find herself feeling very bored, directionless and depressed. That would be my main worry. I would aim to work until the late stages of pregnancy if I was her, even if she doesn't go back (or at least not immediately) after having children.

At least she's fully qualified and trained to a good standard to pick up a good job if she wants to. I'd be far more concerned if she had said all this at 18. She's protected money wise if they split and will no doubt get bored and return to work anyway.

If either my DD or my DS told me they planned to give up work at 24 I'd consider myself a poor parent not to discuss the financial implications.

However, thereafter it would be up to them. Not my decision.

When I was 17-21 I wanted to be a wife and mother with all my heart. I told my career driven mum it thought she was selfish to not be those things, and I was determined I was going to be a full time wife and mother.
Then, I got marked and had a baby and was at home. Everything I wanted? But I was fucking miserable. Really lonely,y really stressed and really anxious.

I started looking for a nursery when he was six weeks. I didn't end up going back to work until he was nine months, and it was a school hour TA job, so not exactly a huge career powerful job. But it was enough. I then progressed to more out, more responsibility, more training, did another degree, and have never wanted to be a full time wife and mohr again.

Let her do what she wants and support her, that's all you can do.

wowbutter you may have been "fucking miserable" looking after your own kids but I loved it.

I earned no income for many years.

Even now my youngest is 17 years old I work only 15 hours a week.

Bliss.

Some people are miserable or stressed though, some people are bored. Some SAHP I know are fantastic, a couple aren't happy and one pretty much uses it to do the bare minimum for everyone -kids included- save herself. You feel how you feel and until you are on maternity you ae never sure. I've known people desperate to get back to the normalcy found in work routine or get their career on track. Being on maternity myself now, I'm enjoying that rather than the career I loved while before maternity level I thought I'd get bored and love to get back into my work.

My dsis couldn't do it. I know much as I'd love too we couldn't afford it plus my anxiety and post natal depression would just increase. My mum was awesome at it, so is one of my closest friends.

There is a big difference in SAHP and housewife. One is a fantastic responsibility and thing to do, the other is not imo. Sometimes it's needed for the good of the housewife or husband's mental which is a totally different kettle of fish though.

Mental health that should be. But opinions are like belly buttons, we all have them.

I feel exactly the same about my son and my sister, both of whom have bags of potential and choose not to use it to it's full capacity. However, I have learnt to say nothing as it doesn't change anything and just makes them avoid talking to me.
My mother was always uber ctitical and so I'm not going there.
I get you though.

Natalia, Drinkingtea, InDubious - I am one of those women who feels like they have the right balance between career and parenthood so it absolutely can be done. I'm not a brain surgeon (note, i said 'good career' but not particularly high flying as such) but it's right for me. I made the choice to have it all through balance. I chose a man who believes pationately in equality and does his fair share of childcare and chores. I chose a career which is fulfilling while not being all consuming. I feel like I get a lot of good, quality time with my children. I don't feel stressed, my children are happy. I have balance and a great dh - that's it. The women you know who wanted it all may have in fact made a conscious or subconscious decision that something had to give. I'd like dd to realise that it's entirely possible to achieve balance in her life without driving herself into the ground or being beholden to a richer man.

passionately

granny

I have just had an attack of sneezing....i fear i have lost a few more brain cells

I have a friend who also was a midwife and she said the long shifts would be too difficult to combine with having a baby- there is an option for her to do stuff like perhaps be a private midwife or doula, more on her own terms perhaps? Or I know someone who was a nurse and did a retraining ten years on to go back in. So there are options.

We do actually live on the money that we earn, Rubbish. Maybe if I'd said savings rather than Trust Fund it wouldn't have made you so judgemental? That money was for my education, to buy a house and is now for mine and my husband's old age including care home fees or carers and to help out my step children with education and houses.

The money held in Trust for the children is for their education, driving lessons and car and to buy them a house each. It is absolutely not for them to spend on partying and living a lifestyle that is pointless and devoid of meaning.

None of us could live off the money for our entire lives, therefore we work.

There are other reasons to work - self respect, intellectual curiosity and to contribute to society.

Some people are miserable or stressed though, some people are bored.

Many people feel like that working too.

"I appreciate some others aren't as lucky as me, but honestly the disrespect towards SAHMs on mumsnet is breathtaking in its ignorance."

I agree for a bunch of probably more educated women than the average one finds on a forum- what is it with mumsnet and its proud contempt for the sahm??

I stayed home and it was great- I read more books than I do now as a full time worker, we ate better home cooked food and I was less pre occupied with my own work concerns and so was arguably a more decent person to both my kids and my husband during those years.

Now I am back at work, my kids tell me they miss me, I am too tired to really appreciate them when I get home and on the weekends I crave alone time but know it is my 2 of the 7 days to really connect with my kids. I don't pretend that this is better for my children like so many seem to on here- all the bollocks trotted out on here about being a good role model. A good role model listens to others when they need listening, cares for others when they need caring for and has the mental space to appreciate life rather than goes and does the many tasks involved in any job.
But hey who I to pop your bubbles proud working mothers who so enjoy putting te sahm down- you carry on thinking your choice is so laudable because hey if it makes you happy...ladeeda ladeeda.

I know what a great job sahms do and I doubt there are many jobs out there that are quite as valuable as raising a small human being with values and empathy and a sense that someone who loves them is there to care for them.

I have concluded that the mumsnet contempt, so prevalent on here I also have noticed, is just some big self conspiracy to validate the 'this ( working full time and feeling secure about my financial possible future) makes me happy so it must be the best thing for my child let me go cull a few of them on the head every chance I get on mumsnet to reinforce my absolutist delusion on this matter)'

unicorn great post.

My kids talk about how great it was to have me at home. They have very fond memories.

There are other reasons to work - self respect, intellectual curiosity and to contribute to society.
There are plenty of other things you can do to achieve those things without working. Not having a job when mine were small meant that I could volunteer in school and do other local volunteering.

Being able to earn a decent wage isn't just about divorce but also if your partner becomes unable to work. What if he gets sick or disabled so they can no longer work.
That happened to me. I went back to work. It really wasn't difficult. At any point in time, we have both contributed what we could to the family whether that was working or staying at home.

What a load of rubbish. If I had no DH I'd still be managing a home, looking after my children etc. It would be no different. The same jobs would still gave to be done

Errm,....yes you would, but that would mean you had no bloody choice!
If there are two of you with one taking care of everything at home then you are not living off the one who is working. It's a mutual arrangement.
It is usually the mother who ends up doing most of the work at home and the childcare, when both parents work. Shouldn't be so...just usually is.

Gosh some of the comments on here 😩 What on earth is wrong with a woman wanting to stay at home to look after her children? A few generations ago it's what most women did, yes it's great that things have moved on and now women can work in (mostly) the same way as men but why the condemnation for a women who might want to raise her children herself? raising children is just as an important job as working in a paid job and will probably give her family and children a better quality of life than if she's working gruelling midwife shifts. Sounds like she has the financial freedom to retrain in the future if she wants to and she's married so has financially protected herself as far as she can. Maybe just support her right to choose her own life

There are plenty of other things you can do to achieve those things without working. Not having a job when mine were small meant that I could volunteer in school and do other local volunteering

Can't believe that any of that would really satisfy a person for more than about 2 minutes. Too dull for words, all of it.

Um of course she continued going to school and pursuing her own future and life. Even if you have dreams of one day getting married and being a stay at home mom you don't put off your life waiting for that to happen? I'm really confused by the disappointment. It sounds like your daughter did exactly what she should have... continued educating herself, got a good job, now that she is married and may start having kids is willing to sacrifice some of that success to be with her kids. Pretty simple really. The majority of SAHMs I know have done the same.. as a choice. Say nothing, it will not change her mind even if you do, but it may really upset her. It sounds like you should be very proud of her. If in the future she wishes to go back to work she will always have it to go back to. Taking a couple of courses to retrain is really not a big deal.

Can't believe that any of that would really satisfy a person for more than about 2 minutes. Too dull for words, all of it

some vile vile comments on this thread, shocking, I didn't realise there's so much hate towards looking after your own children full time.

I think its called guilt although few would admit it.*

There you go. Wonderful PA attack on working mothers (always mothers) - so to give it right back to you "I think its called inadequacy altho that few would admit it."

You've taken that PP's comment out of context completely. I totally agree with them. I have to assume that those WOHMs who take such great delight in knocking down SAHMs must be jealous or feeling guilty. I can't imagine another reason why anybody would care so deeply about another person's choices that they have to rip them apart anonymously on the internet. What's wrong in calling that out?

The PP wasn't saying that all WOHMs feel guilty, or even that they should feel guilty. Just that the ones who have to criticise SAHMs probably do. And to be honest a couldn't give a shiny shite how those mothers feel about being called out for their nastiness.