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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 28/05/2017 00:07

Jassy, I am not the one talking about internalised misogny and self-respect in reference to people who don't get this fuss about this surname business.

Given that you got them from two different posts describing two different circumstances and conflated them into one idea... yes. Yes you are. At least have the courage of your convictions! Grin

Just to confirm - not wanting to change your name is rabid feminism? Or not thinking kids should automatically take their dads' names? Just so we can be sure that your idea of 'rabid feminism' actually encompasses all feminism, or just 99% of it.

Misstic · 28/05/2017 00:10

Conflating? One poster referred to women who thinks the OP is being unreasonable as not being self-respecting, another described the same thing as internalised misogny.

JassyRadlett · 28/05/2017 00:13

'Rabid feminist: one who believes that there should be equality between the sexes, and that women should have the same economic, social and cultural capital and opportunities as men.'

Have I got that about right? Wink

JassyRadlett · 28/05/2017 00:13

One poster referred to women who thinks the OP is being unreasonable as not being self-respecting, another described the same thing as internalised misogny.

No dear. I think you need to work on your reading comprehension.

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 00:17

I was the one who mentioned drinking the patriarchal kool aid. Interesting that I was quoted but the rest of my post was ignored.

Because I said that I was also guilty of it. Meaning that it's something we aren't even aware of a lot of the time until we open our eyes. I certainly wasn't aware of it until the last few years.

But yes, please do continue to misquote me out of context and make me look like I was insulting someone rather than commiserating with them. The person I was talking to knew I wasn't being offensive.

Yours, a rabid feminist. I'm quite pleased to call myself that, to be honest. Rather rabid than passive. Bit like calling myself a liberal lefties. Yep, and proud of it, thanks. Darn me, wanting equality and rights for people and fair treatment all round and now wanting to see the vulnerable in society shat on.

PutUpWithRain · 28/05/2017 00:18

My DC have two surnames. Not double-barrelled, just two surnames, because Ex & I felt that both our surnames deserved to be preserved. We never married, but if we had, I would have kept my own name. Up to the DC if they want to keep both surnames into adulthood.

I may have a slight inner fistpump that both of them prefer to use my surname (to be fair, his is always misspelt & mispronounced, although my life has been mostly spelling mine out).

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 00:23

No dear. I think you need to work on your reading comprehension.

Why so rude to those with differing opinions? My opinion - get married, take DH's name, THEN kids if you want them....
Yours - get married, all have different names.
I don't go around telling everyone they have to think like me in RL. Each to their own. I'm entitled to my opinion though, and was asked for it. So I aired it.
I'm not part of a man infiltration of MN, or should be told "shame" for holding my perfectly valid opinion.
There's a lot of patronising and rudeness from your "side" with ODFOD comments from some.
Are people that opposed to hearing others points of view now? All have to think the same way or the personal insults start up or you're automatically a man?

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 00:25

Because I said that I was also guilty of it. Meaning that it's something we aren't even aware of a lot of the time until we open our eyes. I certainly wasn't aware of it until the last few years.

I'm aware of it but still perfectly happy to all have the same name. For me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 00:26

Good for you.

Why did you quote me as part of your 'look how rude people are being' nonsense though, when I clearly wasn't?

Iggi999 · 28/05/2017 00:30

There was one odfod comment, from me, aimed at the poster going on about rabid feminists, aka a goady fucker.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 00:31

Why did you quote me as part of your 'look how rude people are being' nonsense though, when I clearly wasn't?

Because "drinking the patriarchal kool aid" does come across as being sneering to those who have a differing opinion.
Just like "you're from the 1800s" comes across (not saying that was necessarily you - can't scroll easily on here)
Maybe people in this century still like and believe in the traditional all have the same family name - (the mans) and kids after marriage all with the same name.

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 00:32

Again, you're taking it out of context. I was talking to one person in particular, who then responded to me. My post is quite clear yet you're still trying to make it into something it wasn't.

TheExuberant1 · 28/05/2017 00:42

I also don't get all this I want to keep my own surname? It is so try hard.

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 00:43

So try hard.

Ok then...

Mumchance · 28/05/2017 00:47

'Try hard?' Where is the effort in not arbitrarily changing your name to someone else's? Hmm

FleasSitOnPeas · 28/05/2017 00:48

I agree TheExuberant1. All these men that insist on keeping and even passing on their surnames to children! What is that about?!

metspengler · 28/05/2017 00:49

You get 99.99% of the awesome permanent connection with your baby by gestating and mothering them.

I don't see how it's sexist to have this particular kind of connection that men can do, stay a thing.

CherryMintVanilla · 28/05/2017 00:50

I also don't get all this I want to keep my own surname? It is so try hard.

Tell it to the OPs boyfriend, not us.

JassyRadlett · 28/05/2017 00:54

Why so rude to those with differing opinions?

It's not a differing opinion - it's an incorrect statement about what a poster said.

I find it interesting that you are lumping people who don't agree with you into the other [my?] 'side'. We're not the Borg, you know. We didn't have a chat before the thread started and agree on the language we'd all use.

You're entitled to your opinion. I disagreed with it, explained why, asked you some questions you didn't answer, and I also pointed out where you'd been slightly untruthful a couple of times.

Being entitled to an opinion doesn't mean you're entitled not to have it questioned or criticised.

Slimthistime · 28/05/2017 00:54

Exuberant "It is so try hard"
That's odd, it takes zero effort to keep a name after marriage.

Pallisers · 28/05/2017 00:54

I also don't get all this I want to keep my own surname? It is so try hard.
ha ha. I got married, went on a lovely holiday and came home and resumed life -except with a delightful husband at my side.

I didn't have to contact my bank, my employer, the tax office, my friends and family to tell them my name was now different.

I know who is "try hard"

JassyRadlett · 28/05/2017 00:55

And if we're talking about rudeness - I'd remind you you're the one who described other people's choices as 'this silliness' and asked why they bothered getting married.

Jux · 28/05/2017 00:58

Is he yhe sle heir to a stately home? If her were, then I could just about understand his stance.

Don't have children with him. He's almost certainly going to be like this about other things.

metspengler · 28/05/2017 01:09

Yes, he may be sort of roughly normal about other things. He may even be old fashioned about somethings. How simply awful.

In mumsnet land the very idea of this sort of thing is supposed to blow our uggs right off our feet and you should probably ltb, but in reality we don't settle down with someone because we hate them and want to fight them on every little thing like they are our worst enemy. Quite the opposite.

A man is never physically joined to the baby. The surname is an important permanent connection for some. I can't see any reason to sever it when it is so insignificant compared to what we get.

Iggi999 · 28/05/2017 01:13

Both my dcs look the spit of what dh was like at that age. That's a prettt physical connection. As my MIL points out to me regularly.

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