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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 23:40

Nice sidestepping of the rest of the post and the fact I'm really a man in disguise, it's a "shame", I'm from the 1800s, and must have been slurping the patriarchal Kool Aid - are others only allowed to air their opinions if it's the "right" one to have?

Given I haven't said any of those things, I'm unclear why you keep bringing them up.

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 23:40

Cross-posts. None of those were me.

honeylulu · 27/05/2017 23:41

Jassy yes been with husband 22 years. Two children (who each have both surnames - can choose to drop one if/when they want. So far they want both!)
Very equal happy partnership. Gobsmacked that some consider our union pointless because we don't share a surname. There's more to marriage than that, you silly fuckers! Grin

elgwyn · 27/05/2017 23:42

Adalind - This thread is amazing. In the sense that I am amazed to read so much internalised misogyny.

I think you'll find a lot of it is externalised misogyny, Adalind.

Just sayin'. Wink

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 23:42

No Cheese, you didn't say it was right for you. You said it was a poor/wrong choice for others to do differently. The 1800s remark was about the insistence of some posters that only the man's name is right for the family. And one insistent poster has even admitted she feels strongly without having thought it through.

"After that last post, I definitely agree that there has been an infiltration"

And the OP didn't come back so I did the AS.

AbernathysFringe · 27/05/2017 23:44

I dislike double-barrelling for the same reason as Jupitar and that it smacks of social-climbing since the only reason for doing it USED to be because you came from two families of importance and famous lineage. However, it could be argued that the primary reason nowadays isn't to be pseudo posh but because of feminism - why should the male name take precedence any more? In the days before DNA tests maybe it was more important.
I put my surname in as a middle name and gave DD her father's surname for three reasons: 1. Because there aren't any males of my generation in my family so I wanted my surname to carry on somewhere. 2. Because his surname is infinitely more normal and spellable. 3. Because I used it as a bargaining chip to have more control over her first and middle names. Maybe you could use that OP?

Pallisers · 27/05/2017 23:49

If you aren't a Mrs then why even bother being married ?

jesus when I look back on my 25 years of marriage and all we have faced together, the idea that who is called what might actually be at the core of the relationship??? Can't imagine a relationship where the surname is that critical.

I kept my name. Gave children Dh's name. In retrospect I wish we had thought some more about that. My name is great and my kids would have liked it. It literally didn't occur to me (although it did occur to me that he got to supply the last name so I should have a tiny bit more say on family first names). DH would probably have been a bit startled back in the 90s if I suggested that the kids have my name but I think he'd have actually thought it was fine/cool in the end.

They all had my last name in the hospital when they were born - still have the wristbands of "baby Pallisers" for each of them.

Recently I registered my dd for something and it mistakenly registered her as my last name. She saw it and said "that would be such a cool name, why didn't you give me your name?"

Misstic · 27/05/2017 23:50

Internalised misogny? So if a woman does not subscribe to a rabid form of feminism they cannot be self-respecting women? So if a black person does not see racism in every nook and cranny or does not subscribe to a rabid understanding of racism, then they ate not self respecting?

CherryMintVanilla · 27/05/2017 23:53

He wants to pass on his name to his children

And women - the people who actually do the growing, birthing and nourishing of those children - shouldn't want to pass their names on to their children because...

Misstic · 27/05/2017 23:54

To even bother kids with all this nonsense about changing their names when they ate of age. Why? Why even make this an issue to the point children need to have this on their already full list of things to worry about?

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 23:54

Misstic "rabid form of feminism"

Yup, it's an infiltration, probably time to shut it down.

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:54

Internalised misogny? So if a woman does not subscribe to a rabid form of feminism they cannot be self-respecting women?

Yep, if you don't hold the same view you're a man or it's internalised misogyny. Apparently.

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:55

Just to point out I don't think it's a rabid form of feminism before anyone thinks I;m endorsing THAT wording....

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 23:57

Internalised misogny? So if a woman does not subscribe to a rabid form of feminism they cannot be self-respecting women?

😂😂😂 at the idea that not wanting to take your husband's name/have kids automatically take their father's name is 'a rabid form of feminism'.

Separately, I don't think you really know what internalised misogyny is. I don't know why you think it's incompatible with being a 'self respecting woman'.

I'm pretty sure that most women have some degree of internalised, unconscious misogyny, because of how we are raised and socialised. I know I do. I often find myself coming up against it and questioning why my assumptions are the way they are.

Misstic · 27/05/2017 23:57

Cherry, most woman would only be passing on their father's surname anyway. So if the issue is about children assuming male surnames then this does not achieve much.

This is just fighting for the sake of it.

CherryMintVanilla · 27/05/2017 23:57

But why is your desire for your children to have your name more important than his?

You can reverse this one just as easily too - why is his desire for his children to have his name more important than hers?

The main problem here is that her DP has no interest in compromise, she's expected to just get in line and do what he says - which is a red flag for the future of their relationship. What else will he find "non-negotiable" once she's pregnant?

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:58

Yup, it's an infiltration, probably time to shut it down.

Shut down the debate? What? Don't be so bloody ridiculous! Because people aren't automatically agreeing with you?!
You don't just shut down debate, cry "it's an infiltration, shut it down!" when you get an opposing viewpoint! FFS. Hmm

Iggi999 · 27/05/2017 23:59

Misstic odfod

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/05/2017 23:59

"Men are not like women. Because they don't physically bear the children they need to feel that the children are definitely theirs."

Men may use that as a reason, but ... given that (having physically borne the children) women do not thereafter walk around with the umbilical cord still attached (as a means of identifying the children as definitely theirs) ... I think it's a crap reason.

"It's an evolutionary thing."

If it's an evolutionary thing, why is it not done throughout the world. Are some countries less evolved than others?

Slimthistime · 28/05/2017 00:00

Oh no, carry on debating. It was just a wee joke for the, er, rabid feminists among us. Grin

JassyRadlett · 28/05/2017 00:01

Cherry, most woman would only be passing on their father's surname anyway.

Even if that makes much logical sense (which....no) then time to break the cycle! Let this be the time when we are able to say our names are our own, not belonging to a man and bestowed upon us, and families can make the right decisions for their own families about how the names are passed on.

If it really doesn't matter that much, I'm sure we'll see a pretty even split of fathers' and mothers' names used, right?

CherryMintVanilla · 28/05/2017 00:02

Cherry, most woman would only be passing on their father's surname anyway.

For all we know, his DM was a single mother and he'd be passing on her (by the sounds of it, inferior) name. Many men have their mother's family names these days, including my DS.

But even if not, where does the "only" come in? Your surname is your surname. Womens' surnames are not worth less than mens if they get them from their male parent! They have a heritage too...

Misstic · 28/05/2017 00:02

Jassy, I am not the one talking about internalised misogny and self-respect in reference to people who don't get this fuss about this surname business. I am simply playing back the terms used by some here.

Yes, it is very, very funny this rabid feminism and yes, this pointless fight over surname is a product. I laugh just as much as you, only for different reasons.

Misstic · 28/05/2017 00:05

It might be worth some of you looking up the definition of rabid.

Misstic · 28/05/2017 00:06

having or proceeding from an extreme or fanatical support of or belief in something.
"the show's small but rabid fan base"
synonyms: extreme, fanatical, overzealous, over-enthusiastic, extremist, violent, maniacal, wild, passionate, fervent, diehard, uncompromising

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