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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 01:22

Being entitled to an opinion doesn't mean you're entitled not to have it questioned or criticised.

Completely agree, so we do agree on something. Others on the thread need to realise that point too.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 01:27

Is he yhe sle heir to a stately home?

What?

Misstic · 28/05/2017 01:30

Jassy, do not forget the word 'extreme'. It is the important part of that definition. Worry about your comprehension and not mine.

Don't know what odfod means and frankly I don't care.

Someone talked about caring for equality, etc as if others who hold a different view on this surname issue do not. The only fair and equal thing is that the kids adopt the mother's name. If you think this is all over the top rabid nonsense, then you are apparently suffering g from internalised misogny, you are not a self-respecting woman, and you do not stand for fairness and equality.

Anyway this thread is going nowhere. Just lots of pointless back and forth and the OP seems to have disappeared.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 01:32

Why is it a daft thing to say ? I only ever see on MN those whom HATE HATE HATE being a Mrs . Truly bizarre

Yep, I feel the same. If you hate being a Mrs, or having the same name as your partner, it seems a bit pointless to me to enter into a marriage.
If you don't want to be unified and "married" (the definition of the word marriage as the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship) then why bother getting married in the first place?
You might as just well be co-habiting partners IMO.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 01:49

A few dinosaur misogynists on this thread. As for saying why bother getting married if you don't change your name.....I mean the ignorance is staggering.

I believe the default should be that the children take their mothers name. As mine have.

With half of marriages ending in divorce and children very probably residing with their mother, nevermind the amount of dad's that aren't involved, it's only common sense that everyone has the mother's name.

FleasSitOnPeas · 28/05/2017 01:52

There are countries where it's not possible to change your name on marriage. Just think, a whole country of pointless, un-unified marriages! I wonder why they still do it tbh. We all know it's not a real "union" without the matching surnames.

Pallisers · 28/05/2017 01:54

If you hate being a Mrs, or having the same name as your partner, it seems a bit pointless to me to enter into a marriage.

Seriously! how weird are you.

I am married 25 years. Have never used the term Mrs. Don't have the same name as my husband. Our marriage isn't pointless. (and no one ever gave a shit about my title or my name)

You have a very facile view of the purpose of marriage. Are you 12?

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 01:55

Fleas

Grin. Those poor ununified married foreigners.

Atenco · 28/05/2017 01:55

Another disappearing poster

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 01:55

A few dinosaur misogynists on this thread.

Again, people are allowed to hold different views to you. There's no need for name calling.

Brandnewstart · 28/05/2017 01:57

I kept my name and the kids have both our names. Mine first. We've spilt up now so I'm really glad to be honest. My friend's child only has his dad's and they spilt up when he was little (they weren't married). It is a really big regret for her that they don't share a surname.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 01:58

With half of marriages ending in divorce and children very probably residing with their mother, nevermind the amount of dad's that aren't involved, it's only common sense that everyone has the mother's name.

Well, that's a very black and negative way of looking at things. "Marriages can end in divorce anyway and they'll automatically go to their mum, so we might as well all have the same name. Screw the Dad."
If it makes me a misogynistic dinosaur to think the Dad is just as important, then I'm happy to be one.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 02:00

Are you 12?

Most definitely not 12.

FleasSitOnPeas · 28/05/2017 02:09

I actually disagree with you there cheese, the dad is not just as important, he's MORE important. That's why we carry his surname. Until our husbands grace us with theirs of course.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 02:16

cheese

Please don't misquote me in order to fit your agenda.

It's not negative by the way, merely realism.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 02:19

I actually disagree with you there cheese, the dad is not just as important, he's MORE important. That's why we carry his surname. Until our husbands grace us with theirs of course.

Well, I honestly cannot get worked up over the Dad having the family name.
Why is it automatically any better if the family takes the woman's name instead?
Anyway, my point was referring to the poster who said marriages usually end in divorce anyway so we should have the same name."
Which I pointed out is a black way of looking at things.
You seized on the wording of "just" though and ignored the rest.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 02:22

Please don't misquote me in order to fit your agenda.

How on earth have I misquoted you? You said it. Granted I added "Screw the Dad." The rest was all you though.
Oh, and I really don't have an agenda. Just an opinion, you know, just like you do.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 02:22

Again please stop misquoting. Usually? I said no such thing.

If you have to lie to make your point then it's evident your point has no substance.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 02:23

Can you even read?

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 02:24

I'd appreciate an apology for you misquoting me - twice.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 02:28

Again please stop misquoting. Usually? I said no such thing.

Can you at least quote so I know what you're referring to (hard to scroll up and down on my phone) or are you just going to seize on random words and ignore the rest?

Gwenhwyfar · 28/05/2017 02:33

"if you marry Mr John Smith in the eyes of the law you are Mrs John Smith, NOT Mrs Jane Smith"

I think you need to read up on the law.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 02:37

It's your entire quote in speech marks. You didn't just add "screw the dad". They were not my words so why imply that they were with the use of the speech marks?

And then you compounded it by addressing another poster about the point and misquoted me again saying I said usually marriages end in divorce. I did not say that and it was misleading.

FleasSitOnPeas · 28/05/2017 02:49

But why else would we automatically take our fathers/ husbands name if they aren't more important? If mothers and fathers are of equal importance you would think there would be a more even split of "surname taking/changing".

I can't even begin to fathom what same sex couples do. For men, maybe the one with the biggest penis gets to pass on and keep his name? The presence of penis being the important thing after all.

OkPedro · 28/05/2017 02:55

Ah here cheesequeen you have to be taking the piss?!

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