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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
eurochick · 27/05/2017 22:53

There is so much bollocks being spouted on this thread. You are not legally Mrs John Smith after marriage. What nonsense. I'm married, have not changed my name and can assure you that I am still legally my name my surname. The passport office, dvla and Bar Council (I'm a lawyer) seem to have no issue with this, unsurprisingly.

We've double-barrelled our daughter's name. This has caused no issues.

OP the fairest thing in this situation would be to give both names, but if your partner won't accept that, go down the traditional route (the tradition being for unmarried mothers to give their children their own names).

e1y1 · 27/05/2017 22:55

Naice - I know, thinking about it, it is strange (I never gave it much thought).

Whisk Is that something you would consider? I believe if the child has "sufficient legal understanding" they can apply in their own right to have their name changed.

Whiskwarrior · 27/05/2017 22:57

I have considered it, yes. But it'seems not down to me. I'm going to let the kids decide when they're 18.

DD already uses my surname for some things, unofficially.

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 22:58

Just the way I've always felt Jassy. Can't even explain it, but I would never have even considered not giving DC the DH name.

Oh. Ok.

Seems pretty flimsy grounds to hold forth on what everyone should do.

AdalindSchade · 27/05/2017 23:01

This thread is amazing. In the sense that I am amazed to read so much internalised misogyny. Shame.

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 23:02

e1, it's really worth looking at why you feel strongly but never gave it much thought. also worth considering if you have other strong views that you've never questioned.

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:03

But why is your desire for your children to have your name more important than his?

Exactly! No-one can say that their partner is being unreasonable if they're being as stubborn about it themselves!
If you've got different names to each other but are both adamant that you want the baby to have your name but neither are willing to back down, this argument is going to go nowhere!
So it really isn't rocket science to all have the same name otherwise you'll be going in an argumentative circle for ever more....

Slimthistime · 27/05/2017 23:03

Also, it isn't really what you think if you haven't thought much about it.

hippyhippyshake · 27/05/2017 23:07

Cheese, read the op, she never said anything about HER insistence, only her dp's.

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:07

I am amazed to read so much internalised misogyny. Shame.

"Shame" because you don't like the fact that some married women WANT their family to all have the same name and think it's pretty strange wanting to get married and set yourself apart from the rest of your family - or the husband setting himself apart if the kids take the mum's name?
Pretty weird thing to think "shame" about.

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 23:11

So it really isn't rocket science to all have the same name otherwise you'll be going in an argumentative circle for ever more....

If it's that simple, why don't we see equal numbers of men taking their wives' names?

There is always the other, potentially better option as it doesn't mean either party giving up a name they want to keep - give the kids a third, mutually agreed name.

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:15

If it's that simple, why don't we see equal numbers of men taking their wives' names?

I really can't get myself worked up over who takes who's (whose? lol neither looks right Grin )name.
I just took DH's. Then had kids and we all have the same name. Simples.
Start with all this silliness and you're just complicating matters - maybe the real reason we all take the man's name traditionally is so that there's no arguments and confusion in the first place.... just straight and simple. Smile

hippyhippyshake · 27/05/2017 23:19

After that last post, I definitely agree that there has been an infiltration. No way would any self-respecting woman write that.

Iggi999 · 27/05/2017 23:19

Simple is the word alright. I'm off to look at pictures of kittens and think simpler thoughts.

newtlover · 27/05/2017 23:20

but.....it would be equally straight and simple if the man and children took the woman;s name...so why doesn't that happen eh?

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:20

Honestly, I don't know anyone who holds some of these 1800s views in real life.

Well, I do. There are still people about who get married first, then have kids, and take their DH's name and so the kids automatically do too.
Seems daft to me to get married (a union) and then insist on disjointing yourselves with one name for husband, one for you, and maybe a double barrelled one or a made up name for the DC's.
Why bother getting married in the first place?

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:21

After that last post, I definitely agree that there has been an infiltration. No way would any self-respecting woman write that.

Grin Who, me?!
Nope, still 100 per cent woman! People ARE allowed to think differently to you, you know.

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 23:22

Start with all this silliness and you're just complicating matters - maybe the real reason we all take the man's name traditionally is so that there's no arguments and confusion in the first place.... just straight and simple.

Yes. Absolutely no overtones of some pretty awful historical treatment of women that had ended in this delightful 'tradition'. And internalised misogyny that ends in women just happening to be the ones who changed their names, don't know why didn't really think about it!

As for 'complicating matters' - gosh, maybe my five year old is brighter than I give him credit for but he seems to have got his head around it, so I'd assumed most adults wouldn't have too much trouble. I have to say it has caused us zero angst, despite the added hassle of me being foreign and having a different passport to my kids.

Why do you feel the need to denigrate choices that work for other people, out of interest?

honeylulu · 27/05/2017 23:26

Double barrel is so effected. Hate it. Same with keeping your own name . What is this nonsense ? If you aren't a Mrs then why even bother being married ? Perhaps I'm old but I truly do not get it . .Seems controlling.

Do you mean "affected"? Please buy a dictionary, dear. What is affected about a child reflecting the heritage of both parents? Why is it only the one with a cock that matters?
Why do you think it's pointless being married if you're not called Mrs? Surely if it was so critical to reflect your status men would change their name/ title? Or is it only important to confirm who owns your vagina?
And you think objecting is "being controlling". Words fail me.

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:29

Why do you feel the need to denigrate choices that work for other people, out of interest?

Each to their own, all I'm saying is it doesn't work for me. The OP and other posters asked how I felt so I answered.
Take a look at "1800's attitudes don't exist in RL, we've been infiltrated, you're not really a woman" and "you've been drinking the patriarchal Kool Aid" comments and note to yourself the pot, kettle saying when it comes to "denigrate choices that works for others"....

SparklyUnicornPoo · 27/05/2017 23:30

I can see the one more brother thing actually, SIL changed her name when she got married so it's only DH left with his surname, I have 7 siblings who all have my maiden name, so DD has DH's name because my name will almost certainly be carried on by one of the others. (I kept my name, but mostly because DH's name sounded stupid with my first name)

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 23:34

Each to their own, all I'm saying is it doesn't work for me.

Oh no, that won't do! Having described it as 'this silliness', and 'seems daft...to insist on disjointing yourselves...' and 'why bother getting married in the first place?' in the last dozen or so posts? Grin Backtracking when the truth is in such clear view is so ungraceful.

These threads are so often an eye opener though! Now I'm quite grateful that my sense of union and unity with my husband and children isn't so fragile that it lives or dies over a shared label.

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2017 23:36

And Cheese, you'll note I've only quoted you there. Why did you quote other people in trying to suggest I was denigrating others' choices?

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:38

Oh no, that won't do! Having described it as 'this silliness', and 'seems daft...to insist on disjointing yourselves...' and 'why bother getting married in the first place?' in the last dozen or so posts

Nice sidestepping of the rest of the post and the fact I'm really a man in disguise, it's a "shame", I'm from the 1800s, and must have been slurping the patriarchal Kool Aid - are others only allowed to air their opinions if it's the "right" one to have?

CheeseQueen · 27/05/2017 23:39

And Cheese, you'll note I've only quoted you there. Why did you quote other people in trying to suggest I was denigrating others' choices?

Apologies on that one - I appreciate that wasn't all you but others as well.

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