To be surprised at his reaction?

[CowPatRoberts]

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

So it was for practical reasons then? Not so much a public statement?

No, he wanted me to change my name to his and I wanted to take his name. It was not a major discussion at the time. This was 15 years ago.

The Queen did not change her name to Prince Phillip's when she married him, and everyone knows how short and lacking in devotion that marriage is.

The Queen did not change her name to Prince Philip's when she married him

Why did they even bother then

No, he wanted me to change my name to his and I wanted to take his name.

What was his reason for that? Honestly curious.

No, he wanted me to change my name to his

Did he tell you that it was "non-negotiable," like the OP's dp? Because I think that, for me, I would have dug my heels in.

He never said it was non-negotiable, but se never got that far tbh because I think he just presumed getting married meant me changing my name to his. I wanted to have his name - its hard to put into words why. Maybe I felt closer to him that way, perhaps I felt like it marked the start of something new? It never occurred to me to ask him to have my name.

Thinking about it, I think most men now are happy to double-barrel. Many may be OK about their wives not changing their names over. But I think if the truth be known, many men would feel somehow emasculated if they were pressured to take their wives' names because of the whole historical and societal context that still persists.

But I think if the truth be known, many men would feel somehow emasculated if they were pressured to take their wives' names because of the whole historical and societal context that still persists.

Which is all the evidence needed that it's a ridiculously sexist construct, if ideas of men's masculinity and ideas of what women need to do to demonstrate commitment are so tied up in this 'tradition' of who has what last name in a family.

how would the DH feel if for years on end he was supporting a wife and children who wouldn't even share his name? I think he could possibly feel kind of an outsider in that scenario, no?

My Dh has always been the full-time worker and higher earner while was pt and often stayed at home with the D. He has his surname, I have mine and the DC have both. I don't think he's ever felt like an outsider? He certainly manages to make it home every night and has done for 24 years. He does tend to look a bit too comfortable sometimes though - I really must do something about that.

I got married 20 years ago, when it was comparatively rare to keep your maiden name
That's not my experience. I got married then too and almost every woman I knew kept her own name and was questioned ad nauseum if they chose otherwise!
My children also have my name, not their father's

Meant to add: it seems weird to me that society has taken a step back into assuming married women have their husband's name. I thought it was outdated 25 years ago and that by now it wouldn't cross my daughters' minds to change their names. Not at that point yet, but I'll feel I've failed them if they decide that's what they want to do

Secret - women in my family kept their names 40 years ago and they didn't have high flying careers. It does look like we've regressed.

" I got married 20 years ago, when it was comparatively rare to keep your maiden name "

no it was not.

Not at that point yet, but I'll feel I've failed them if they decide that's what they want to do

Really? You'd feel that over a name?

*" I got married 20 years ago, when it was comparatively rare to keep your maiden name "

no it was not.*

Seriously. I married 25 years ago and not one of my friends changed their names.

It obviously depends on the circles you mix in. About 90% of the women I know change their names, but the stat for the UK is actually 75% so I obviously know some conventional people.

Yes, Owlina, I would. It's about more than just a name. It's about female identity and autonomy. Fair enough if they have a rational reason to change or double barrel, but to unthinkingly do it 'just because' would upset me. Same applies for DS. I'd be upset if he insisted on his spouse taking his name

See to me is just a name, it's not symbolic of who I am in a big way. Changing my first name would be a big deal, everyone knows me as that. My surname, not so much.

I quite like the idea of people choosing a brand new name for their family. I'm not really bothered about whether my children keep their surname when they marry. They'll still be the same people. I'd be upset if they changed their first names though.

Same applies for DS. I'd be upset if he insisted on his spouse taking his name.

I have two sons; I agree that I'd feel I've failed if they were to do this, or refuse to consider changing their own names.

Don't do it if you feel strongly about it...you both have to be ok with whatever is decided. If you do what he wants it may build up resentment over time. It sounds like using both names might be the way to go.

Secretservice - I wonder if the number of women keeping their name on marriage has dropped. In my friendship group, age 28-32, I'm the only one I know who kept her name. I know one other who double barrelled. Everyone else who is married changed their name (or plan to for those who aren't yet married that I've spoken to). I didn't expect the reaction for keeping mine or double-barrelling dd that I got, but a lot of people were shocked, surprised (and angry - in the case of dd being double-barrelled, by her father's family)!

Ummm it certainly feels that way. It seems very unusual in my niece's generation, at least going by FB. She - who I always had down as one of the sisterhood! - took her husband's name and it really irritated/angered me - far more than it ought.
I know it's not a completely rational response but why!?!

I'm 30 and have been to approx 900 (OK maybe more like 10-15) weddings in the past five years. One woman aside from me has kept her name.

One of my best friends was going to keep her name, and her fiance had no issue with that, but her dad and brother wouldn't hear of it! Annoyingly, she is now going to namechange.

For me, it was very simply about us all having the same family name.
I do not feel like I've given up part of my identity by having the same name as dh.
However as I said up thread, these very basic things need sorting out if either of you have strong feelings about it, because once you live together and maybe have dc it will be one never-ending session of butting heads.