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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
Topseyt · 28/05/2017 02:57

Nannybeach, look closely at a marriage certificate before making your wrong pronouncements.

In your example it would refer to the marriage of Jane Maidenname to John Smith. It makes no reference whatsoever to Mrs. John Smith. Mrs. John Smith does not, in fact, exist.

That is how the marriage is viewed in law. There is no legal requirement in the UK for a name change at all. It is entirely optional.

Also, if either party does decide to change their name then it is only their surname. Generally. So, Mrs. John Smith still wouldn't exist.

Coneheadmum · 28/05/2017 03:31

Oooh I read nanny beach's comment and I thought great, we're having another game of Victorian mumsnet

"if you marry Mr John Smith in the eyes of the law you are Mrs John Smith, NOT Mrs Jane Smith, I know Teachers Doctors tend to keep their maiden names for work, but I have seen it cause problems"

Hahahahahahhaha. Just hahahahah.

And legally wrong, for what it's worth, not just stupid.

Double-barrel otherwise your sexist husband is going to get the fuck on your nerves at some point and it'll be too late if you've saddled them with his -worldview- name.

Pallisers · 28/05/2017 03:32

*Are you 12?

Most definitely not 12.*

That's all you addressed in my post - that you are not 12.

You said:

Yep, I feel the same. If you hate being a Mrs, or having the same name as your partner, it seems a bit pointless to me to enter into a marriage.

So all of those who are now 25 plus years into marriage without changing names are in pointless marriages. Seriously?

you sound very ... silly ... maybe stupid.

Coneheadmum · 28/05/2017 03:51

And cheesequeen: Jassy and co have been v. patient with you. But I RTWT and you are saying things and weaseling out of them when they turn out to sound completely crazy to most of us and you've got a bad habit of mis and cherry picking quotes. Shame on you. If you can't scroll back through your phone or your memory to get things right, then how about take a deep breath and read a nice book (perhaps a history book?) If you're doing/saying what you are for effect, it's not working, you just sound like an incoherent loser (with a 1950s set of beliefs). Sorry but I'm calling it like I see it.

user1492315100 · 28/05/2017 04:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gabilan · 28/05/2017 07:59

If you've got different names to each other but are both adamant that you want the baby to have your name but neither are willing to back down, this argument is going to go nowhere! So it really isn't rocket science to all have the same name otherwise you'll be going in an argumentative circle for ever more

The OP hasn't insisted that the children take her name. She's asked why her DH is allowed to be upset by them not having his name, but the same does not apply to her.

Dear god. It's 2017. All I would like is for women's names to have parity with men's. If you all want the same name it should be perfectly possible to adopt the mother's last name or the father's last name or choose a third without a man getting in huff about losing his identity or being accused of rabid feminism. As it is, if there is an argument, who in the situation is asked to roll over and accept it for a quiet life? The woman. Because that's what women do, isn't it. They allow their own needs and desires to take a back seat for the sake of a quiet life and so somebody male can be prioritised. Fucking great.

I'm off out. Happy Bank Holiday weekend everyone.

AdalindSchade · 28/05/2017 08:02

Well this thread got dull quickly

I said internalised misogyny to describe the many women coming here and saying that of course women and children should have their husband/father's names! They can't think of any actual reason for it but women who don't participate in that practice are wrong, stupid, try hard, silly, not properly married...etc etc
That view (that men should automatically take precedence over women) is misogyny. It is internalised because you believe it without even being aware of why you believe it. It is not a choice you made through consideration of the options, it's something that you internalised through your socialisation until it seems to be totally natural and instinctive to you to prioritise men over women.

MsHopey · 28/05/2017 08:22

Literally skipped from the first page to the last, so missed most of the rest.
But I've been married to my husband for 4 years, and together for 8. I always said I would keep my last name when we married, my husband has never been bothered at all. We even talked about children, and names. I said I wanted them to have my last name as I think it's nicer. We did talk about double barrel and didn't like our options, we also discussed putting our 2 last names together to form a new one, but they were hilarious and seemed like more paperwork than it was worth. He has always said I am giving him a child, something he has always wanted, i am carrying his baby and bringing it into the world, and because of this he gives me pretty much all final decisions on everything. He has always agreed to everything. Plus he says his last name hasn't brought anyone in his family any good luck so maybe we should try mine. He is very laid back, and respects my choices and feelings. Reading this I feel very lucky that he has been so agreeable on literally everything. Some members of his family were horrified when I didn't take him last name when we married, and are even worse now they know the baby will be having my last name. I even once had someone ask me how the baby will know who his father is if he doesn't have his last name. I replied with, "If I raise my child thay crappy that he doesn't know who his father is based on his last name, I have more parenting problems than his last name."
Now, saying all this, I love him more than anything, if he had disagreed with me I don't know what I would do. But I wouldn't want to argue with him if he felt super strongly about the baby having his last name, but I think I'd want a better argument than "its the done thing" or something else along those lines.

AntigoneJones · 28/05/2017 08:29

" if you marry Mr John Smith in the eyes of the law you are Mrs John Smith, NOT Mrs Jane Smith, "

sorry but that is bollocks, in the 'eyes of the law' I am whatever I choose to call myself. thanks.

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 09:32

Cheese, are you going to acknowledge and apologise to any of the posters that you've misquoted or cherry-picked out of context on this thread?

There's at least three of us you've done it to and whenever you're challenged on it you say we're insulting people or you're allowed to disagree with people.

Personally, I haven't insulted anyone but this is the third time I've questioned you quoting me out of context. Can you acknowledge that and apologise please?

If you insist on behaving the way you are, you undermine your arguments.

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 09:51

Ah here cheesequeen you have to be taking the piss?!

Oops, I forgot it was supposed to be an echo chamber on MN and alternative viewpoints aren''t allowed.
Hmm

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 10:01

Shall I take that as a 'no' then or...?

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 10:04

Shall I take that as a 'no' then or...?

To put into simpler terms for you - no, I'm not taking the piss. Yes, other viewpoints ARE allowed on MN even though you wouldn't think so sometimes.

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 10:05

I was referring to my post above yours. Would you mind responding to that?

JassyRadlett · 28/05/2017 10:05

Oops, I forgot it was supposed to be an echo chamber on MN and alternative viewpoints aren''t allowed.

Grin That's getting a bit transparent now, don't you think? Most folk have noticed that when someone questions your or your Sacred Opinion, you respond by claiming that alternate viewpoints 'aren't allowed' [by whom?] rather than actually engaging in the discussion and justifying your viewpoint or your behaviour.

AdalindSchade · 28/05/2017 10:52

Your viewpoint is as allowed on mumsnet as any other. You may be invited to explain or defend it but you can choose to decline. Nobody is trying to ban you from posting.

elgwyn · 28/05/2017 14:50

Adalind, for it to be internalised misogyny as opposed to just plain old misogyny, the posters posting this stuff would have to be women.

Which I think is highly unlikely. I imagine thread titles like this are like red rags to a bull to a certain sort of MRA on MN.

Hence all the somewhat unbelievable-in-the-21st-century type of comments.

nannybeach · 28/05/2017 18:15

Why do widows happily call themselves by their MARRIED name? I never said you HAD to change your name. You dont HAVE to get married.

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 18:19

But some people want to get married without changing their name.

And not all widows changed their name to begin with anyway.

Are you aware that using caps lock is SHOUTING for no REASON?

nannybeach · 28/05/2017 18:21

My late MIL lived in Spain married twice and had TWO double barrelled names, because they dont remove their maiden name. So when i married her son, I had a double barrell firstly.

nannybeach · 28/05/2017 18:27

I was under age (pregnant when I married lst H, so we eloped it was 50 years ago, no-one would thought about NOT changing their name then

Justanothernameonthepage · 28/05/2017 18:37

Nanny, as pointed out before, women have been campaigning on keeping their names since before slavery was abolished in the USA. I understand that when you got married, the people in your circles did not think about it as a valid option. I also know that my maternal GM when she became a widow in the 80's, reverted to her maiden name as she felt she had no choice but to lose it and had always regretted it. So from my POV, getting married in the naughties it wasn't an unthinking assumption that I would change my name. I actually had plenty of women on both sides confide that they wish they'd kept theirs. It's only really one SIL, my BIL and my FIL who took it badly

Ummbopdoowap · 28/05/2017 19:39

Yep, I feel the same. If you hate being a Mrs, or having the same name as your partner, it seems a bit pointless to me to enter into a marriage.

There are legal and financial reasons. And some married couples even love each other. And manage to do so with different surnames!

I'd happily have the same surname as dh if he changed his. He's quite attached to his own though.

honeylulu · 28/05/2017 20:11

Yes men tend not to change their name on marriage - would anyone ever tell them that it was "pointless" getting married?

Pallisers · 28/05/2017 20:31

I'm beginning to understand why so many marriages fail when there are grown women who think the point of marriage is having the same name as your husband.

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