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Original poster

To be surprised at his reaction?

382 replies

CowPatRoberts · 27/05/2017 19:01

Been with DP a while and earlier we're discussing about what we'd do if we had children, and who's name they'd take. I've always been very clear that if I got married I'd keep my maiden name, it's never really been much of a problem and I thought he understood my point of view.

But today it came up that he thinks if we had children that it's totally non negotiable- they'd take his name. Went on about 'surrendering his identity' and 'destroying his heritage' and honestly I'm a bit Hmm about it all. He's almost militant about this, but I don't see why it's unthinkable for him to do it but totally fine for me. Am I nuts?

His argument seems to be based on the face that I have one more brother than he does, but other than that it's just 'the done thing'

OP posts:
nannybeach · 28/05/2017 21:44

Yup.got married for love this time. I dont know any widows who have reverted to their maiden names, one friend was widowed very young, said she still love her husband and wanted to keep his name. Your GM was very unusual Justanothernameonthepage. Women also used to revolt against getting married, you dont have to get married these days, a lot of people dont they live together,have kids. I dont know anyone who lived together without being married 50 years ago, when I was growing up both being gay and abortion were illegal. I never actually said anywhere you should change your name. I have a relative who keeps changing their name!

CheeseQueen · 28/05/2017 21:50

I'm beginning to understand why so many marriages fail when there are grown women who think the point of marriage is having the same name as your husband

As much as you may not like the fact, there are women out there who want to have them and their family to all have the same name as their husband. It's important for them their family to all have the same name, and can't see the point in deliberately setting yourself apart by insisting you keep your own name.
You're being deliberately obtuse if you think I'm saying the whole point of getting married is to have the same name as your husband. As there's obviously much more to a marriage than that. All having the same name as each other is important to me though.
It does seem pointless to me to go into a marriage if you're intent on separating yourself up,especially if you have kids. You may as well just live together in a civil partnership if that's the case. Some said "well, it's about the security..." yes, but keeping separate names and getting married just for the financial etc security - well to me that comes across as just doing marriage as a business transaction and it means more to me than that.
It doesn't make me a man infiltration for daring to think so as some have charmingly insinuated.

Whiskwarrior · 28/05/2017 21:52

Still not responding to people's queries from earlier.

Still banging the 'I'm so victimised' drum.

Can't take you seriously anymore.

catkind · 28/05/2017 22:17

"I like marmalade for breakfast"
"I can't see the point of breakfast without marmalade"
Not the same thing.

honeylulu · 28/05/2017 23:09

can't see the point in deliberately setting yourself apart by insisting you keep your own name.
The point is that i am not a fucking chattel!
The name change relates back to a time when women had no legal identity. At one time women were not even considered to have souls FFS.
The change in name related to the transfer of ownership of the woman as chattel from her father's house to her husband's house - literally "given away" as denoted in the C of E marriage ceremony even today. (I refused the "giving away" element at my wedding, unsurprisingly.)
Some of us find that deeply offensive.
So, that's my point.
What's yours?

Kennethwasmyfriend · 28/05/2017 23:30

A heterosexual couple can't have a civil partnership.
When he got married my dh didn't change his title or his name. Why did he bother marrying me at all?

Pallisers · 28/05/2017 23:39

Cheese your view of marriage is absolutely bizarre.

You tell me :

You're being deliberately obtuse if you think I'm saying the whole point of getting married is to have the same name as your husband

And then go on to say

It does seem pointless to me to go into a marriage if you're intent on separating yourself up,especially if you have kids.

Defining "separating yourself up" as not having the same name.

I am 25 years married. I have my own name. We are not "separated up" (whatever that thing is).

You have an incredibly facile view of marriage. you make me understand why so many marriages fail - women go into them thinking "Ooh I'll be Mrs John Smith and we'll be a couple and it will all be lovely forever and ever" and then then reality of navigating 2 separate adults through life in a supportive and kind way hits.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/05/2017 23:47

Not responding I see to all the points you've had raised against you. Bit childish really.

Your stance makes no sense at all. I'm sorry though that you appear to have no insight into your internalised misogyny.

MissPickles · 28/05/2017 23:56

To whoever said it's an evolutionary thing... What a load of bollocks. "it's the done thing"... Yeah, so was alot of things, but we've moved on and I'd like to think things gave become a bit more equal. Women took their husbands surname because they became his property. It's 2017. I'm keeping my own surname if I ever get married. And I was absolutely insistent that my children have my surname. I was happy to double barrel, my partner was happy with them just having my surname at first, until his mother got involved. So double barrelled it is. I carried my children through 9 agonising months and had to go through the hell that is labour and you're telling me I'm not entitled to them taking my surname... I don't think so!

metspengler · 29/05/2017 03:10

If anything smacks of a victorian husband attitude in this thread it is you people who think you can tell the rest of what we think and why they think it. Internalized misogyny my bum.

AdalindSchade · 29/05/2017 08:09

You may as well just live together in a civil partnership if that's the case

Heterosexual people have gone to court for the right to have a civil partnership but the state still believes heterosexual people should have marriage or nothing.

I don't have any issue with married people wanting the same name. I have an issue with the expectation that it is always women who will change their names.
Men rarely contemplate the idea of changing their name, even to double barrel not even to change it entirely.

JassyRadlett · 29/05/2017 09:05

As much as you may not like the fact, there are women out there who want to have them and their family to all have the same name as their husband.

Good for them! No one's stopping them doing it. Why aren't their husbands changing their names in equal number, though?

It's important for them their family to all have the same name, and can't see the point in deliberately setting yourself apart by insisting you keep your own name.

I really, really don't understand the idea that a family's unity is dependent on all having the same label, or that by having a different last name you're setting yourself apart from them. It seems to me an incredibly superficial and fragile idea of 'togetherness'.

JassyRadlett · 29/05/2017 09:11

I never actually said anywhere you should change your name.

GrinGrin

So.... 'why bother getting married' and 'If folk see this as a problem, then dont get married, dont have kids, stay you as you always were' weren't suggestions that if you want to get married, you should change your name?

Seriously. You know you wrote these things in the same thread, and people can still see them, right?

JassyRadlett · 29/05/2017 09:12

If anything smacks of a victorian husband attitude in this thread it is you people who think you can tell the rest of what we think and why they think it. Internalized misogyny my bum.

So tell us! Explain it so we understand why many women think it's necessary to change their name to a man's on marriage, but men don't share the same feeling in equal numbers?

brindisi · 29/05/2017 09:39

OP - I'm not sure why you would actually be "surprised" st his reaction tbh. Its not totally off the wall and I think most men would feel the same.
I can only speak for myself, but when I got married It was because I wanted to be his wife and I suppose name-changing was symbolic of that. If, after children, you become a SAHM (as I am now), how would the DH feel if for years on end he was supporting a wife and children who wouldn't even share his name? I think he could possibly feel kind of an outsider in that scenario, no? Anyway, that's just a thought based on my experience. Everyone is different.

Ummbopdoowap · 29/05/2017 09:48

If, after children, you become a SAHM (as I am now), how would the DH feel if for years on end he was supporting a wife and children who wouldn't even share his name?

I don't think it's ever crossed my dh's mind that we don't share a surname! If his ego was that fragile I wouldn't be with him.

Ummbopdoowap · 29/05/2017 09:48

I'm a sahm.

JassyRadlett · 29/05/2017 09:49

brindisi, I wouldn't want to marry any man who felt like that. I'm the main earner in our family and have gone though periods of supporting us totally. I've never resented the fact I had to do that, or that I was supporting a husband and children who wouldn't 'even' share my name. That is such a weird argument to me.

hippyhippyshake · 29/05/2017 09:50

Each time a new poster explains their logic for submissiveness, I keep thinking it can't get any worse. Wrong

OwlinaTree · 29/05/2017 10:04

Me and dh discussed this before we got married. He was fine about me keeping my name if i wanted to, but didn't want to change to my name as he didn't like it that much. I've never really liked my surname that much, my mum and dad made it up so there's no tradition to keep alive etc.

I decided I would change it to his name, and tbh having a lovely normal average surname that everyone can spell and nobody passes comment on has made my life much easier. I'm hoping my children will have an easier time than me growing up with people not commenting on their name all the time!

So this is why I changed my name, I don't think that's internalised misogyny. It is in response to the perceived normal in our society I suppose, but I had reasons other than 'just because'.

JassyRadlett · 29/05/2017 10:13

So this is why I changed my name, I don't think that's internalised misogyny.

DH and I had a similar conversation that led to us both keeping our original names. One of my mates had always loathed hers and loved her DH's, so it was a stress free way of changing her name.

Still, it never crosses most men's minds that changing is even an option they'd be willing to consider.

brindisi · 29/05/2017 10:17

Of course I understand other people's logic around this issue, but that's how I felt in the context of our relationship. I quite liked changing my name because it felt like a new start. I guess it was important to him on some level too, but it's not something we had a huge debate about.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/05/2017 10:18

Erm, not everyone's maiden name is their father's. Mine isn't, and I'm in my 40s - will be much more common nowadays and increasingly so.

JassyRadlett · 29/05/2017 10:27

Not taking issue with that part of your post at all, brindisi - just the idea that not sharing his name might make a man resentful about financially supporting his family. I wouldn't want to be married to anyone who might display such huge levels of sexism, tbh.

MaybeNextWeek · 29/05/2017 10:35

'Well why is his desire to give his kids his name not as important as your desire to keep your name '

Yes, it does seem odd you both want your own ways and refuse to see the other's point. I would suggest if you cant agree on this then you're not remotely suited. God help you when the real problems come along that require compromise.

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