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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Looking after my partners other daughter

151 replies

ConConstance · 27/05/2017 13:17

Sorry, I'm still new to MN and wasn't sure which topic to put this under.

My daughters dads (soon to be ex) wife has just showed up at my house (he doesn't live here) with their daughter and has left her here. She's 13 years old.

He is out with business clients all day and can't get back until at least 7pm at the earliest. He had arranged to her their daughter tomorrow instead which his wife agreed too. Clearly she's not happy with that. Didn't even come to door with her just drove off when I answered. I don't mind helping him out but really not happy her mum has just dumped her here.

I have only meet his other daughter a few times so as you can imagine it's pretty awkward. What the hell do I with a 13 year old I barely know for the next few hours?? Please help

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 27/05/2017 13:52

It's a lovely day so Take them both out and enjoy the sunshine. Get some ice creams and start getting to know her. Don't make this any more awkward than it already is.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/05/2017 13:55

Have a lovely day and don't forget to send him a bill for childcare. .

Underthemoonlight · 27/05/2017 13:57

So your 'darling' partner that your on /off hasn't even completed his divorce yet and you have a 1 year old together and don't know his dd well, poor child that is so unfair that she has been pretty much dropped on a complete stranger. Talk about moving fast im speechless were you the OW?

I agree with the other posters take this a time to bond get to know her a bit, take her shopping or out for coffee and cake. Your dp has dc from a previous relationship and its only right you have a certain level of relationship with them especially as you now have a child together.

Original poster

ConConstance · 27/05/2017 13:57

Thank you for the advice. I'm on my third trip to the bathroom since she arrived to have a look at replies.

I have suggested we take a walk into town with the pram since the weather is so nice for a late lunch (she hadn't eaten before arriving) and will take it from there.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 27/05/2017 13:57

So he was supposed to have her tomorrow, but can't because of work.

So her mum decided you should have her today instead?

How have you only met her once if you have a 1 year old with her dad??

This thread is confusing the crap out of me, but I seem to be the only one not getting it!

Like, if he doesn't live with you, why did she drop her off at yours??

imjessie · 27/05/2017 14:00

13 year olds don't need babysitting . She will no doubt just want to sit around watching tv or something ..

VladmirsPoutine · 27/05/2017 14:01

Waltermittythesequel I'm guessing there is a HUGE backstory here but I suppose the OP doesn't want to be ripped to shreds focus on that for now.

AnthonyPandy · 27/05/2017 14:02

Give her a truly awesome day and make her happy, send her home with a massive smile on her face and the mother won't do it again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/05/2017 14:02

She hadn't eaten! Mother sounds pretty pissed off or not coping.

WishfulThanking · 27/05/2017 14:03

Oh yeah

WishfulThanking · 27/05/2017 14:04

The was wondering why she dropped her off at yours when you don't live with him.

HoHoHoHo · 27/05/2017 14:05

I'd be really angry if dp's ex just dumped their children on me when he's not here without asking. I'm happy to help when needed but I expect to be asked and the responsibility to look after them is his, not mine.

There's not a lot you can do now but you need to make it clear to do that this is completely unacceptable. Also, what was his ex thinking? You could have not turfed the child out on the street for she knew. How irresponsible to leave her child with someone who she hasn't confirmed childcare with.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/05/2017 14:05

Seriously, do not offer her one of your swimsuits. That's bloody grim and she's likely to think you're very weird, especially when there's no reason to go swimming.

It's hard to know what to suggest when we don't know either of you 😬 But most kids that age quite like a reason to act like a kid! Taking your DD to the park will give you all a good chance to get some fresh air & a bit of exercise.

You could bake, paint, watch a film, play cards, do each other's nails...or just play with little DD.

Just tell her it's lovely for you & DD to be able to spend the day with her 😊

Decide how you feel about 'the other daughter' at the end of your day together. If you like her & would like her to be a part of your DD's life, then tell her Dad that. Tell him you'd love to see her again at a pre arranged time, but that if his (stbex) wife does this again you expect him to leave whatever he is doing and come for her. Because you know what, I'll bet my hat on the fact he told his (stbex) wife it was fine to drop her off at your place.

Welshrainbow · 27/05/2017 14:09

Poor kid. I'd do whatever you can to make her feel welcome and not like a burden that's just been dropped on you. After all it's not her fault. She might enjoy having some time with her sister. Take her for a coffee or shopping for the day or something.

Jupitar · 27/05/2017 14:09

Give her a truly awesome day and make her happy, send her home with a massive smile on her face and the mother won't do it again.

Brandnewstart · 27/05/2017 14:13

Some things I do with my DP 13 year old daughter: watch dvds, bake a cake, craft, trampolining, nail painting. Know it's a bit harder with a 1 year old though!!

MarciaBlaine · 27/05/2017 14:15

How did she know where you live? I'd just ask her what she fancies doing.

Ktown · 27/05/2017 14:18

Poor kid
She will remember her mum doing this so make it up to her.
I hope your partner is loaded as paying for 3x kids by ex wife plus you is going to be expensive.

GU24Mum · 27/05/2017 14:20

Agree that it's a pain for your and awful parenting by the mother but (as it sounds as though your're trying to), just give her a nice uncomplicated calm day. My DD is about the same age - she might be quite chatty and happy to speak to you about school, music, the usual sort of stuff - she might even be quite happy to play with the baby too. If you can get out, I'm sure she'd love a trip to a cafe or lunch - doesn't have to be anything flash. If you are passing shops and wanted to admire the lip gloss collection with her, that would probably go down fairly well too!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 27/05/2017 14:26

How can you know so little about her when you have a child with her father!!

Poor girl, obviously neither parent could be bothered today.

youarenotkiddingme · 27/05/2017 14:26

She is your DDs sibling whatever the clearly difficult back story is.

Despite you both being placed in an unfair position this could be an ideal opportunity to build a bond with a young girl who can become a great big sister your LO and great help to you as you raise her.

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/05/2017 14:28

DPs Ex appears to be negligent in her care of the child. Dropping her outside a virtual stranger's house and driving off is hardly the action of a caring parent. That is something your DP needs to address with his Ex.
How does the child feel about todays situation?

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 27/05/2017 14:31

A quick search shows why the ex may have acted like she did, the OP had a five year affair and child with her husband.

Not condoning the ex's behaviour but she's obviously been pushed to her limits.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/05/2017 14:35

Ah well that's a possible explanation Rainbows.

I'd either ask what she wants to do today or suggest park and ice creams with your other DC.

must admit it all seems like a bit of a mess all round though, hoiks judgy pants up

MuvaWifey77 · 27/05/2017 14:37

The soon to be ex sounds awful and a little spiteful , living the girl there and driving off, be the bigger person , don't let the teen know you think her mum is nuts and that its out of order what she did. Talk to you BF and ask to have a meeting with the soon to be ex too, once he's home . I would avoid miscommunication by text or a call when on your own. Good luck, I have 2 steps kids whom I'm v close to never seeing again because their mum is their and a c#nt .

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