Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

I hope my boys don't marry a woman like your wife op, she's just taking the piss and feeling she's entitled to a cushy life because shes been at home with the kids, marriage should be a partnership, not one person seeing how much they can get out the other

I'm amazed at some of the posters here saying you sound nasty and their husbands give them a nice life, christ what age are they, 5????

x post stealth, ridiculous post wasnt it

stealthpolarbear

For a minute there I thought that was your post!!

Dear god,1950's indeed! 'Daily grind'? No no no, working doesn't have to be like that at all....

ssd - why would my husband not want to give me a good life? I give him a good life.
I hadn't realised it was a competition.

A shame OP hasn't been back - but there are a few points that I would like clarified

1. How old are the kids - you talk about youngest finishing P1 - which means reception age? So kids would both have been at school for around 9 months?

1. OP says that chores are split at weekends - is that all chores or just weekend chores? Who does the weekday school-runs, shopping, cooking. cleaning, washing etc?

1. If sahm returns to work will OP be splitting the school runs, sick days and holidays? Or is it envisaged the sahm will find a job that can be done termtime only 9.30-2.30? or that she will earn enough after 9 years out of the labour market to cover the costs of wrap-around childcare and holiday childcare?

safiya that wasnt aimed at you, read the thread, take my post in context

There is still a large element of child care to consider, even when kids are at school.
Holidays, sick days, doctor's appointments. If dw is at work dad will have to step up and help with this.
You may miss the convenience of full time child care.
Also after 9 years at home it's not that easy to just go back to work. Dw may be very disadvantaged and need to develop new skills.

Itsjustaphase - you sound a bit trophy wife. Which is sad. Plus, if your DH wants a trophy wife, be prepared to be traded in for a younger/slimmer/better version in the future. Or get a life and be able to stand on your own two feet if needed.

He WANTS me to not have the daily grind, to not have to juggle children/work, to have fun school holidays with the dcs, to have enough time to keep in shape etc.

You seem to think the OP should aspire to this. Do you think every man wants nothing more than to be a meal ticket?

She sounds like a spoiled princess with the kind of mummy friends I never want to encounter.
Me and DH call them "the ladies what lunch" (deliberate poor grammar and it's said in a sarcastic tone). They sit around the cafes in town chatting vapid crap about how tough their life is and spend their DH'S money.

If she was doing most of the housework then I'd say suck it up but it sounds like her job is socialising with a pretentious group of irritating women and she doesn't want her cushy lifestyle to change.

She is taking the piss and you are a mug for putting up with it

I really hope the op didn't give his edited view of his relationship and then fwd this in to his MNer wife. I really question these "isn't my wife an asshole threads" and the motives behind them.

Have to say that there is no way I'd take a term time min wage type job if I had given up a proper career in order to care for our shared dc and supported a dh to build a successful career. I would expect him to support my retraining so I could have what he has.

Too many women settle for doing all the shit work in a relationship - they work ft and get lumbered with all the housework/cooking/kid stuff.
For me, my dh works the sort of job where it would be impossible for him to do 50% of everything if I went back to work. So I know what would happen - I'd end up doing most of it. Bugger that.

I don't think anyone is saying the OPs wife should have to run out and get a job, just that she actually does the job she signed up for.

deliberate poor grammar and it's said in a sarcastic tone)

I really question these "isn't my wife an asshole threads" and the motives behind them.

Do you also question the (vastly more numerous) "isn't my husband an asshole threads"?

I imagine that she feels entirely validated by the facts that she bore the children ("I've had your babies!") and is surrounded by people like her. I don't know where she finds her self-respect but the important thing is that the OP has lost all respect for her.

This woman is using you OP. Give her an ultimatum. You're working yourself in toban early grave so she can sit on her bottom.

If only op would come back to clarify exactly what housework/childcare his dw does during the week and exactly what each of them gets as leisure time then we might be in a better position to judge whether this is reasonable or not.

Would you say that on a thread where a woman said her husband wasn't pulling her weight? Or is it impossible that a woman would give a selectively edited account of home life?

She signed up to be a sah parent. I presume she is looking after her dc - doing packed lunches and school runs and homework etc. Being there when they need her. Not certain being a sahm means signing up to all the housework. If OP was a single man, he would be working ft and doing house stuff in the evening and weekends. Why does having a wife (whose primary responsibility is the dc) absolve him of this?

I honestly doubt that she is doing nothing. She is probably doing all those invisible tasks that no one notices until they stop getting done.

School age kids don't stop benefitting from involvement from a sahp. I have been on a school trip today with my dc. They love that I can do these things. OP needs to be aware that it is things like this are harder to do when you woh. How willing is he to change his life/work patterns to pick up the things his dw will have to drop?