Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Navy

Sorry, yes that was to you. I'm wondering why a man's account of home life is considered to be not telling the full story, but a woman would be taken at face value?

I'm very proud that I (and dh) earn enough so our children have fun, relaxing lives. On top of the basics of loving, feeding and clothing them. That is our responsibility as grown adults. One adult effectively looking after the other so they don't have to pull their weight* at all is infantilising and in my experience that's not the setup of most sahp.
*excluding arrangements caused by short term or long term illness or disability where you step up and look after the other.

NavyandWhite

When woman come on here complaining that their DH is a lazy asshole do you wonder what their side could be?

Yet another thread that shows how sexist MN is.

I'm going to say LTB (and B for Bitch)

Because if you were the wife OP there would be a flood of LTB posts!

Well aren't you the catch!

Maybe you could write her daily chores list.

FrenchMartiniTime, EXACTLY. Men get called pricks and "wankpuffins" for doing literally anything here.

Whereas it's fine for OP's wife to loaf about because "women have it so hard". Right. Real equality there...

Don't you just love it, when they lob a dubious grenade and then vanish in a manner Kayser Soze would be proud of.

OP admits they didn't discuss what would happen once their youngest started school. Perhaps if he had warned her that he would be expecting her to find a part time job (likely low paid, menial work where she was still expected to juggle the childcare) as soon as their last was in reception she wouldn't have chosen to sacrifice her good career, CV and earning potential for 9 years.

Fliptophead
Why the ?

Given how people on MN just love to go around correcting people's posts I felt the explanation of tone etc was needed.

If it's a at the fact my husband and I find the 'ladies what lunch' crowd a vapid set of ladies who feel entitled to Swan around on coffee dates whilst claiming 'I'm a stay at home MUM' to justify doing sod all then we just have to agree to disagree.

In years gone by women stayed at home and rna the home and brought children up.

Nowadays some women want all the perks of being at home but feel that actually running the home isn't their job.

Weekend jobs should be split. But major cleaning and tidying, laundry is the job of the person at home in my opinion.

If he had posted saying he had offered to let his career take backseat for a while and give her the chance to re establish a career or retrain I doubt anyone would be arguing with him. But he was happy for her to be a SAHP as it suited him and now he wants her to find a PT job as it suits him.

Do you also question the (vastly more numerous) "isn't my husband an asshole threads"?

No because this is a site predominantly used by women (hence Mumsnet) so it would be an odd choice of forum to sneakily backstab your husband.

Hth

I'm another who is frequently puzzled by what these women do. My DH is mostly at home these days because he's semi retired. When he's home he does the housework and whatever stuff there is needing for the kids and dogs. When he's at work we share it. Neither of us think that the home stuff is half as much hard work as actually having a job.

Oh and commuting is certainly not me time or a rest, especially if you are commuting into London on crowded, slow trains or stuck in traffic trying to get into a Town or City.

If you want to stay at home, fine. But it is a situation that can only happen when both partners are happy. If one isn't, then it has to change.

Btw we do our admin in about 10 minutes flat per month so don't know what the fuss is about there. It's obvious that people who claim to spend hours doing it really have forgotten about the real life stresses of having a job.

Because if you were the wife OP there would be a flood of LTB posts!
Because men should work full time, pay the bills etc and the come home and do at least half the chores and do the garden and woe betide anyone for suggesting that only weekend chores should be 50:50.
Men should also do half the bedtimes (I agree) but it's justified as how the mother 'never gets a break from her job' whereas the man has the luxury of working full time and then doing home stuff.

Thankfully most people aren't like that. I often think MN has a disproportionate number of coffee date and haircuts mums.

Why do you think the face?

Filling in forms for trips for Ds
Acknowledging his report
Replying to any request that Ds takes part in any sporting event.
Paying dinner money.
Paying for school photos online and filling form in.
Filling in passport applications/driving license for Ds
Filling in the medical questionnaire for Ds when he moves up to year 7.
Filling in forms for dogs to stay with boarding company.
Ringing back to sort out DH's lost bank card (!)

As I thought, it doesn't take up hours a day, or even a week which many people makes out it does.

And most weeks I'm sure that wouldn't be that much.

It always seems a bit strange to that on these threads people talk about all the hours admin takes as a SAHM and even with five children and disabilities it was never something I thought was at all time consuming.

Erm maisypops many mothers work full time as well. You seem to assume the man provides and the woman sah

No I agree, payibg dinner money is something I do on the way to breakfast club while the children are sitting in the car.
School photos is a huge administration task but only because I accommodate the requests of all grandparents and other relatives :o

Not rtft. Will do later. I'm just on my way out.
But for now. YANBU. How are you financially? Is it a struggle with one income? From both of your points of view?
Does she feel she should have more disposable income than she does already?
Do you feel like you have to go without treats because of the lack of income?

OP be sure to claim your Marriage Allowance.

I'm going to guess that you have an issue with anyone finding ladies of leisure (especially when you go to a cafe after work and hear them complaining about how tough their life is between baby yoga, their haircuts and brunch followed by a cheeky wine later with their mummy friends') insufferably irritating.

Stay at home = most of the chores are on you.
Evening duties like homework, bedtime and weekend duties should be shared 50:50.

I have no time for socialite women who want all the perks of a leisurely lifestyle but don't feel the need to pull their weight.

I love when people bring up Admin - then list once-a-year jobs like school photos, report cards, passport stuff.

Hilarious.

She's being a bit lazy and taking the piss.

That said, it may genuinely be hard for her to go back to work after 9 years, plus if she did you would have to sort childcare to cover wrap around hours and all school holidays. To be fair, if the kids are close together, the preschool years would have been pretty relentless at home. Doesn't warrant several years of sitting on her arse all week though!

I think you need a sit down serious talk op, about how to split all the work that needs doing (paid and child related) evenly. Could you work less days? Could she cover more in the week? What are your long term goals and plans as a couple ? Ie work wise for both of you/when do you want to retire etc