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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
DailyMaui · 26/05/2017 18:14

There are times when I envy my friends who work and come home just as the nanny is putting the kids to bed after feeding and bathing them.

Hahahhahahahhahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahahahaa.
I may have wet myself laughing at that. Both myself and my husband work full time, have a commute (btw a commute is NOT me time or thinking time... Hmm) and I still manage all that admin and sorting and organising stuff (strangely enough, mostly during that commute). We try to split cleaning but I found delegating works best. I'm doing stuff like cooking or sorting etc from the minute I get in until about ten at night. If I was the the only one working and we spent every weekend cleaning and adminning I'd be thoroughly fucked off.
I used to work very part time - I remember what it was like being at home. The house was tidy, I went to the gym... Even when they were tiny it was bliss compared to the commute/work slog and I love my job.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 26/05/2017 18:15

Well I think you sound horrid. I'm a sahm, and my DH is very proud of the fact that he earns enough for me to have a fun, relaxing life. He WANTS me to not have the daily grind, to not have to juggle children/work, to have fun school holidays with the dcs, to have enough time to keep in shape etc. And he enjoys having a high paying, fast paced job which provides for us all. Obviously you don't!!

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2017 18:16

I think I'm starting o see the divide here.

People who work see things like taking rhe kids to school, making dinner, washing their clothes, paying for school photos as family life. It's just what you do when you're not working. It's part of being an adult and having kids.

People who don't work see it as a "job"and it is their "work".

I think that's the divide.

annielouise · 26/05/2017 18:17

I don't think he's saying she does nothing or that she has to find a job. Just that there are home-related jobs that she could be doing during the day when she's free and he shouldn't have to do them at the weekend or in the evening, eating into family time.

The milk thing can happen though as can the bin. But if she's leaving them for him to do while he's worked all day and she's had time then no, it's not fair. Likewise if the bin men come at 6pm and he's walking into the house just after that that's a different kettle of fish - no reason he shouldn't bring it in. But it doesn't sound like that.

It's not easy going back to work but she's leaving herself in a bad situation if she doesn't at least try. He's got every right to feel hard done by. I would too. The weight of being the sole income source is heavy.

It was a solution that suited them both at the time but doesn't now.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 26/05/2017 18:18

I work part time and spend a lot of my time off fannying about having fun. however!! I do 95% of the house work. 60% cooking and 100% of laundry of garden stuff
All food shopping etc etc is done by me. I make packed lunches
I see it as he works 38 hours and I do 25. So the 5 hours odd a week of housework laundry etc is still me working less

annielouise · 26/05/2017 18:19

I agree Blunt. The thing is though people can fit in both, and do. It was nice she was at home for the kids but times change. If both happy for her to continue on that track, fine, but he's not. He feels it's unbalanced.

YoloSwaggins · 26/05/2017 18:19

If the man expects you to do the same amount of chores while working FT, don't date him....my dad did more than 50% and supported my mum! It's a shame if men expect this, but don't let them.

You don't need to 'monitor' kids 24/7 re homework and such. Holidays = holiday club.

annielouise · 26/05/2017 18:20

Sounds pretty equal QOD and works for both of you.

VoidoidDash · 26/05/2017 18:21

Angel it isn't allways a choice either. After my first two were twins I couldn't afford childcare and we (just) didn't qualify for wtc. And the then third appeared soon after (exclusively bf twins and took the pill but these things happen) and now all three have a variety of disabilities that mean I have to be their carer.

No household admin as dh takes care of that, but he complains of how much there allways is to organise. But kid admin- weekly meetings with three different teachers (2different schools), ehcp reviews 3 mthly as well as appeals, meetings appointments with peads/camhs/salt/ots /physios/gp/specialist dentist/councIilor/ play therapist, endless forms for dla, direct payments, ss round at one point bc of this, organising therapeutic activities, accessing these, organising spenis list tutors and carers, parenting courses and support groups, disability work shops, sorting medication, research, parenting books that 'might' help, alot of hands on time applying or over seeing all this. Never ends. And before diagnosis it was worse ofcourse. And they are still up multipul times a night.

And other sahm are maybe stuck with other difficulties. Their own mh for example. Or maybe they over see a house building project. These things are all relative. And it's not a race to the bottom. If the 'wife work' that ops wife does during the week means there is less (cause his estimation of 50% doesnt mean shit if he doesn't see the stuff done during the week) at the weekend and the children have 100% emotional involvement of mum after school (op doesn't say he does school pick up, activities, home work, baths and beds) then there's nothing unreasonable about having some time back to herself during the day.

PetalMettle · 26/05/2017 18:23

When I was on maternity leave I did everything child and housework related and cooked every night. So yanbu

Sleepyblueocean · 26/05/2017 18:23

I'm a sahm to one school aged child with a disability. During term time I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc and all the admin, report writing, chasing professionals etc to do with my child's disability. In the holidays I look after my child and do essential housework as much as I can. Dh does some shopping and everything else gets left

angelcakerocks · 26/05/2017 18:24

bluntness I hope all that extra work is shared by both parents if so. Historically this has been work largely done by the woman.
SAHM do tend to look after the children and take a burden off the working partner by doing their share of those chores you mention and saving the partner having to cover sick days and holidays, school events and so on. Also they do holiday childcare and sometimes other things for the partner who works, to make life easier for the family as a unit Often they have sacrificed a career, by mutual agreement with their partner, because that's what they decided as a family.
While they may admire people who do all of this and work full time, it doesn't make either version a superior human being.

HorridHenryrule · 26/05/2017 18:24

Have you spoken to her yet op?

Mermaidinthesea123 · 26/05/2017 18:25

I worked full time, paid the mortgage and all the bills and did all the cleaning, gardening, paperwork, car etc etc while my ex husband did whatever the fuck he wanted.
I feel your pain.

whoputthecatout · 26/05/2017 18:31

Before we had children and both worked we split the chores. When we had children and I was a SAHM for six years and he worked I did most of the chores. When we both worked again we split the chores. When he retired early and I worked he did most of the chores. Now I am retired as well we split the chores again.

In emergencies (say sick kids) whoever was best placed at the particular time handled it.

I don't understand how people seem to tie themselves in knots over this. Confused

YoloSwaggins · 26/05/2017 18:31

Itsjustaphase, and is that fair that your husband slogs and you have a "nice relaxing life" and can keep fit?

Safiya17 · 26/05/2017 18:36

So basically OP, you were happy for your wife to do the pre-school years and the grind, so you didn't have to take any hit to your career.

Now after 9 years, you just expect her to step back in as if nothing happened and you resent that she may be getting some life back.

I too have been a SAHM for 10 years to 3 DC, all now in school. I gave up a highly paid professional job to do this. My DH sees it as his responsibility to financially support his wife and kids and he wouldn't have it any other way. I don't ask him to do housework or cooking tbh, but I have a cleaner 2x 4 hrs a week. He's delighted that I go to the gym every day, get to the salon, meet friends for lunch and so on. Why would he begrudge me anything if he's my husband? He knows I have facilitated his success and he's very grateful for it.

I guess it depends on how much you need the money, but if you don't need it, YABVU!

grafittiartist · 26/05/2017 18:37

P1 is really little. We find it loads easier to have one partner take a back seat, job wise, to be there. School finishes at 3- it's hard to contribute financially as well as running about from 7-9 in the morning and 3- bedtime.

Sillysausages007 · 26/05/2017 18:49

Is the OP coming back to this? I haven't seen any further comments from them.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/05/2017 18:53

I am always bemused by the fact that in households where both parents work all these tasks which occupy a SAHM full time still, oddly, get done.

HorridHenryrule · 26/05/2017 18:54

He could be talking to her now.

9 years is a long time and it shows on your cv. If she did agree to return back to work she could either volunteer or start a course.

AvoidingCallenetics · 26/05/2017 18:55

Not rt whole ft yet, so apologies for any repeat, but here's my tuppence worth.
It seems to me that you have enjoyed the benefits of having a sah partner through all the tough years and now it is easier, you resent her having a nicer life than you. But, what she did has made your life much easier in the past in that you have never had to worry about childcare in holidays and when the dc are unwell. You were free to concentrate on work. Her sah has come with sacrifice in terms of career progression, pension and earning potential. She will find it vety hard to make those things up.

So, if you are set on having her return to work, you owe her the time and resources to retrain and rebuild a career. To replace what she gave up for your shared family. Are you willing to invest the time and money in this?
If she retrains and is successful in getting a job, you will have to take on 50% of all the commitments. Not just a bit of shopping or cleaning on the weekend, but half the school holidays and ehrn the dc are ill and after school, plus your 50% of housework.

I honestly don't anticipate that your life will get easier. There might be more money in the house, or it might get sucked into childcare costs etc. I don't know. But hey, so long as she isn't having a nicer time than you, it's all good right?

Btw, witholding money is financial abuse. If you are seriously after a divorce, thrn this is a sure fire way of getting one.

Safiya17 · 26/05/2017 18:58

Life is what you make it though Lass. One person's idea of an ordered house might look like chaos to another person. "Quality time" with kids means different things to different people. How long is a piece of string really?

mygorgeousmilo · 26/05/2017 19:00

YANBU. It can all easily be done while the kids are at school surely?? Someone said to me today "I have to do all of my cleaning and housework on a Sunday". SAHM with school age kids and no commitments to any volounteer jobs or anything. I was a bit taken aback because even though I'm out from drop-off to pick up, I get 99% housework done with my DH so we can all enjoy the weekend together. I wonder what anybody is doing while their kids are at school, if there is still stuff to do when they get home? The odd outing or commitment here and there is fine of course, but I'd feel so bad for my DH and kids if their evenings and weekends were taken up with stuff I could have done before everyone got home.

StealthPolarBear · 26/05/2017 19:00

" Itsjustaphase2016

Well I think you sound horrid. I'm a sahm, and my DH is very proud of the fact that he earns enough for me to have a fun, relaxing life. He WANTS me to not have the daily grind, to not have to juggle children/work, to have fun school holidays with the dcs, to have enough time to keep in shape etc. And he enjoys having a high paying, fast paced job which provides for us all. Obviously you don't!!"
Ugh. The 50s have called, they want you back