Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

I've been a sahm to a husband who works long hours. I saw it as my job to look after the kids and do all the housework and meals. I now work school hours and have to try and do the same which is hard but I totally think 6 hours a day is a complete luxury and I wouldn't dream of expecting a working partner to be cooking and cleaning if I had that much time to myself a day it sounds like total bliss for her

All these people saying 'get a job' - do they know how difficult it is to get a term time job? Certainly round here they are like gold dust (and then they are paid a pittance).

navy

Nope

People asked what SOME sahm did, other people gave a list of all sorts of things including admin

And now all the posts say 'admin only takes 5 mins'

The depressing frequency of these types of threads at the moment is making MN a depressing place to be. Since when did people have to be so hostile and nasty about peoples choices to SAH and look after their own kids. If a couple agree on this and can afford it, it can be a beneficial arrangement for the entire family and give the kids a parent around at home in the school holidays and before and after school. Some people think dcs can take care of themselves above a certain age e.g. early teens, some don't want that.
OP I find the way you talk about your wife, posting on here, not especially nice. I'm sure you were happy to benefit from the boost to your career of not having to do childcare and all the donkey work in the early years. I expect you had it easier than her. Now she has it easier than you, it doesn't suit you any more.

You listed about 10 things Navy to make it sound like it was a fairly big job of being a SAHM though (although most things on there are once a year things and full time working parents still manage to do these things too - we don't not have admin just because we work outside the home).

I don't think admin needs mentioning. It's life. We all do it.

Ha,...you are not my son are you?
My son is in exactly the same situation. His dw even has the cheek to tell him he is not earning enough and they need a bigger house!
She moans to me that she has so much to do and how busy she is. I keep out of it because frankly, I think my son should grow a pair and stop enabling her.

Just to add,...my daughter has 4 children, a full time job and does everything at home because her dh is pretty useless.... I think I brought up two doormats to be honest....

If DC are at school whoever is home during those 6 hours should be doing the chores. It doesn't take 6 hours every day to clean the house. You should still have time to meet someone for lunch or go to the gym.

'vagina recliner'

Is this a new term for a SAHM?

What exactly is she 'taking advantage of?' The fact that she sacrificed her career in a mutual decision and now she is fucked after 9 years out of the workplace and still with apparent restrictions on what hours she can work?

These threads are so so silly because no one is comparing like with like. Everyone is different.

For example, you could live in a spotless mansion, your dc could do 1000 activities per week, and you grow your own veg and cook everything from scratch. Pretty hard work.

Or you could live In a one bedroom hovel, do nothing other than watch tv and eat takeaways. Pretty easy.

Or anything in between.

So, writing my admin only takes 5 mins so therefore everybody else's must, or my housework takes 8 hours a day so everybody else's must, is utter nonsense and pointless.

Angelcakerocks - it's not fair for one person to work FT to enable someone's leisurely lifestyle.

Also:

Once I was about 10 (and most of my friends), we just wanted to sit on computer, go the park, go to town, play music, basically entertain ourselves. I loved holiday clubs and would have hated to have sat at home all holiday - same with others I knew. Got the bus/cycled to school and activities.

Once your kids are >8, you're hardly "running around" after them like toddlers?

It would be interesting to know what kind of job she had before. It's not always easy to just 'go back to work'. I was jobseeking for 1.5 years before I found a suitable role after I had DD. Are you arguing for her to get back into a 'career', or go into a menial, low-paid job, anything at all?

Least she could do is all the cleaning shopping ect. Your being mugged off

I went back to work after maternity leave when my DTs were 9 months. They are 11 now and DH and I both work still. (me 32 hrs). Ive done all drop offs pick ups and everything else associated with house and kids for all those years as well.as a fairly demanding job that can eat into evenings and weekends. My DH works v long hrs and does bits and pulls his weight at weekends

can I be your wife now OP it sounds heavenly! Though I wouldnt have the gall to not work in that situation - or any actually - I like working.

It's relentless though

Op has not given enough information. But can I point out it's not 6 hours. Presumably she has to get to and from school, at least twice a day, which will be significantly reducing her overall time.

If she is genuinely doing nothing for the family then I think op INBU. But that seems pretty unlikely to me, not least because of his absolute lack of awareness about the implications of her working including childcare, holiday cover, covering for sick children etc. Also, no matter how slovenly you are, not all chores can be left for the weekend. Who prepares breakfast and packed lunches? Who cooks dinner and tidies up after? Who interacts with schools and teachers on a daily basis? Who ensures kids are in bed and have brushed teeth, done homework etc?

So even if she does nothing for a few hours a day, one assume her working day starts by 7 am and that she is then working until at least 9:30. Then she is working from say 14:30-20:00. An 8 hour day before we take into account any chores she may be doing during the day. And hat excludes. Rig available when children are sick or doing longer days during the holiday.

Having said al that op, you clearly need to talk with your wife. You need to understand where she's coming from and vice Versa otherwise your resentment will build even more.

yolo I don't call SAHM a leisurely lifestyle tbh. It may have moments of leisure but it also involves childcare, driving, all the domestic stuff, long school holidays and being on call for sick children sent home from school. I'd consider it a lady of leisure if one spouse was supporting another who did nothing, but SAH is not nothing. It is being devalued a lot on here which imo is not supportive of women or children. Some children love having a SAH parent and their input. It seems almost taboo to say that nowadays.
I agree with stichglitched

middleoftheroad just because you do that mammoth task doesn't mean everyone else wants to or is even capable of it. We are all different.

Angelcakerocks - before school age, yes I agree.

At school age - really??

There's a myth that men (generally) are getting shafted by SAHM when in reality it is women who get the rough end of the stick by having to do more than their fair share of domestic chores and childcare, even if both partners work. That is not going to change any time soon. Men want the woman to have a FT career and still do all this stuff. Kids get no parent around. That arrangement is not what everyone wants and its not in womens' interests to constantly denigrate SAHM imo

I don't work apart from occasional voluntary and my 'children' are 17 & 19. Dh couldn't care less- and they're not even his children! He enjoys what he does though. I think it depends on your financial situ; if you were broke I'd agree with you. Your attitude does not bode well for a good marriage- poor woman

yolo it surely depends on the hours worked? With school age children someone has to do tea, help with homework and be there surely? How about in school holidays, which is quite a number of weeks. Are we saying school age children should be left unattended Surely someone has to look after them? Even teens need some input ime.