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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
LastGirlOnTheLeft · 27/05/2017 21:41

😂😂Rufus!!

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 21:41

Well that's unfair isn't it? Because I didn't say that.

But that's how it came across Sad

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 21:42

Thanks, I missed the swimsuit bit. So it was another dig at SAHMs then. Ironically made whilst lecturing another poster about their 'dig.'

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/05/2017 21:43

lastgirl

I got confused Sad

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 27/05/2017 21:44

I feel the same way Rufus....I think it's this thread!!😜

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 21:45

I don't differ when any of that at all Angel. We all make our choices and with the best of intentions.

It is the judgemental "my choice is better than yours' statements, the refusal to explain why closely followed by "then tough shit", when it all becomes more than a bit unnecessary .....

All a bit lacking given the clear sentiment Navy possessed and is now trying her level best to detract from quite unsuccessfully...

I would happily agree to differ if at least some conviction in the argument was provided.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/05/2017 21:45

God yes last

Grin
MaisyPops · 27/05/2017 21:45

Well that's unfair isn't it? Because I didn't say that

What's ACTUALLY unfair is that I told you how I read it in light of your other comments AND said that I may have taken it that way because of things I've heard family members saying and yet when you replied you chose to completely miss that bit out of your quote Hmm

I get it. Saying.that SAHP/WOHP should be able to make the right choice for them isn't actually enough. Actually pointing out the amazing SAHM on this thread who are content in their choices and don't require hyperbole about PE kits isn't enough.

What has to be said is that SAHM are the most amazing, busy, selfless individuals who understand children so we that they know that the only way to put a child's needs first is to not have a career. That's the only way some SAHP can truly feel happy with their decision.

AvoidingCallenetics · 27/05/2017 21:47

The swimsuit comments don't help. Lass, tbf, you can't really complain about Navy thinking her way is best while taking the view that sah is essentially unnecessary and therefore your way is clearly right.

MaisyPops · 27/05/2017 21:48

I can only be thankful that my friends who are SAHP are more.like the calm get on with it people on this thread who say "yeah it works for us" and do it.
I don't actually think I'd last long being friends with them if they required the same amount of validation that's seen on this thread about endless admin, lunch box making etc. We all make the best choice for our own family and situation.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 21:48

The swimsuit thing was probably just one mini task in the whole litany of invisible tasks that SAHPs do day-in-day-out so that others don't have to worry about these things. Why jump on that and use it to undermine women further as petty and worthless.
I thought you were a feminist Lass?

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/05/2017 21:49

lass isnt a feminist and has said so many times

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 21:50

All the swimsuits comments show is that SAHMs are fair game for mocking but anyone who makes a comment that could be interpreted as remotely negative to WOHMs is subjected to a cross examination, faux outrage from those who were themselves merrily dishing out insults earlier in the thread, and more dramatic interpretations of one sentence than I can count.

plaintomatopasta · 27/05/2017 21:50

When I was 100% a SAHM I used to feel really guilty that I got to stay home and have fun with the baby/toddler. I was eternally grateful for the opportunity. When I went back to work two days a week I realised how much easier work is (and teaching is sometimes pressured too) because you get to ask for help, drink tea, have conversations and actually be your own person. I adore my son. It sometimes reduces me to tears how much I love him... but those three days a week now are wonderful. From 8-4 I'm a grown up. The rest of the time I'm devoted to him and wouldn't change that... the money helps too but it doesn't beat the feeling of independence.

When we have another baby I'll do the same... but it makes me a better parent having some time apart. Plus he's at school in January and I'll go crazy all alone! I'll rearrange the cupboards constantly like the week I was on maternity leave and he was overdue!

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 21:53

Could you find comments where I was "merrily dishing out insults" @stitchglitched?
And please don't dismiss the genuine upset that's been caused as "faux outrage".

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 21:56

I wasn't referring to you Petal. I thought it was obvious I was talking about Yolo. I've been upset by comments on this thread. I've been told I have no value. I don't think you can actually get any more insulting than to tell someone they have no worth.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/05/2017 21:57

To be fair maisy a poster asked what admin a sahm did

navy answered

And then loads of posters started taking the piss and exaggerating the time

Both ways! Which was weird

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 27/05/2017 21:57

I am a firm believer that SAHP have a much tougher job than WOHP as I have been both!! If you do it well, NO job is harder than being a SAHP! It is all-encompassing.

Maybe we could take a survey to settle the question once and for all. 🤗 Or maybe we could just agree that women tend to have it hard no matter what!!

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 21:58

im sorry people have said that S and G. That's asinine even in purely economic terms as even if you were doing nothing other than making sure DC didn't jump out the window there'd need to be someone else paid to do it if you weren't there.

missadasmith · 27/05/2017 21:59

What has to be said is that SAHM are the most amazing, busy, selfless individuals who understand children so we that they know that the only way to put a child's needs first is to not have a career.

most working mums I know (myself) included do not have a carer bit work because they put their child's needs (roof over the head, food on the table) first... lots of Wohms are paid a pittance to do so
it is a job, not a career. Hmm

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 22:20

Rufus it seems Navy is only willing to answer select (less difficult) posts though doesn't it?

Stitched
I don't think you can actually get any more insulting than to tell someone they have no worth. I am sorry you feel this. In my view everybody or any parent here or in RL makes their choices and half-kills themselves in their efforts, we all have worth as if this thread proves anything positive, it is obvious that everybody cares deeply.

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 22:22

stitchglitched, that's horrible.

Any "insults" I may have said were regarding OP's situation, because if what he described is true - his wife does sound a bit lazy, yes. Of course I don't know him, but that's what I could tell, and their situation did not seem fair in my opinion.

I would never say and definitely do not think SAHPs have no "value" Confused As PetalMettle said, you'd have to pay someone else to look after kids.

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 22:24

Yeah I probably should have just avoided this thread really. I've got a child that doesn't sleep, can't attend school and I never even wanted to be a SAHM. I already feel pretty worthless half the time anyway.

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