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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/05/2017 23:45

Night

honeylulu · 28/05/2017 00:20

Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc
Just wanted to say this was horrid and I cried.

YoloSwaggins · 28/05/2017 00:35

Honeylulu, Flowers

It was horrid. And total bollocks.

fatdogs · 28/05/2017 00:56

I have disagreed with @navyandwhite a number of times in this thread but the attacks on her are getting very tiring. So what if she does believe her choice to be a SAHD is superior to that of a WOHM? It's her opinion. I disagree with it and I am not afraid to say that I think a person who is in full time employment is superior to one who chooses not to be. Call me vile if you want. @navy and white can believe what she wants to believe, she doesnt need to jystifybherself to make others feel good about their life decisions.those who are hurt by it need to be more secure in their choices
@honeylulu get a grip. Just becuase you work doesn't make you any less of a person and there's no need to cry becuase a SAH believes her choices to be superior.

trixiebelden77 · 28/05/2017 02:16

Surely nobody really thinks that paying for the food your child eats isn't raising them? Changing a nappy is raising a child, but paying for it is not? How bizarre.

How does your husband feel about your belief that he isn't raising your children?

Westray · 28/05/2017 06:02

I think a person who is in full time employment is superior to one who chooses not to be.

Oh dear.

I choose not to be in full time employment.

You are superior to me?

Westray · 28/05/2017 06:37

Is a person's worthiness based on their income?

Atenco · 28/05/2017 06:44

Oh dear, we all do what we can to be good mothers, put food on the table, etc. etc. My mother was a SAHM until my eldest sister was 16 and my sister hated it because my mother was profoundly depressed. Being the youngest, most of my childhood my mother worked fulltime and I missed her being there when I came home from school. There is no one way of doing things, we just do our best.

Westray · 28/05/2017 06:48

Not all SAHM are depressed.
My youngest is 17.

I work 15 hours a week. For many years I didn't work at all. I was not depressed.

I am having the time of my life.

larrygrylls · 28/05/2017 07:00

Any role is a good role as long as it is performed with enthusiasm and lack of resentment (including the boring bits, all jobs have boring bits).

The problem arises when someone seeks to redefine their own role (as the OP's wife seems to have done) to only include the nice bits and not include supporting one's partner.

The above is much easier as a SAHP than as an employee as you don't have an employment contract or a boss. As soon as the working party talks about expectations of the role he/she is nowadays seen as controlling or abusive. So it is possible for the SAHP to basically opt out of all except basic childcare whilst still wanting an equal share of all the benefits of the WOHP's labours.

In the modern world the expectations of SAHPs are fully up for debate. Some feel taking children to school, doing some (minimal) tidying, collecting them (maybe after a club at 4:30pm) and spending 20 minutes helping with homework justifies the self actualisation of a serious hobby, keeping fit as an athlete would and plenty of socialising during the day. Clearly this leads to resentment for the stressed WOHP with virtually no free time.

There are some amazing SAHPs who truly embrace and enjoy the role. However for many others they do it resentfully and feel that their additional free time is justified by them giving up careers (which they have rosy recollections of and assume their careers would have progressed without any stresses or setbacks).

I am starting to think that, with some exceptions, both partners would be happier with roles shared more equally and the idea of being a long term (many years) SAHP has had its day.

Westray · 28/05/2017 07:04

both partners would be happier with roles shared more equally

Many jobs don't lend themselves to that idea.

My OH works in a very family unfriendly industry. No women in his team, none of his colleagues have wives who work full time, most are either SAHM or have part time jobs.

diodati · 28/05/2017 07:18

I see your point OP but it strikes me as odd that you're come on here to bitch about your wife so eloquently.

Why don't you discuss it with her? Without the snide comments about haircuts, etc.

Westray · 28/05/2017 07:19

Has the OP been back?

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 28/05/2017 07:59

I put my children into nursery and can honestly say I wasn't bothered at all about Navy's comment. Nursery is grand but can't possibly be better than for the children's own parents to care for them. It's an excellent alternative but imo home is better. I can't understand the outrage over one comment - I think there was a bit of an agenda there.

PetalMettle · 28/05/2017 08:22

Don't you dare accuse me of having an agenda. How come several different posters commented how out of line it was?
And just FYI www.google.co.uk/amp/www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/11/16/kids-better-off-at-nursery-rather-than-staying-at-home-with-mum/amp/

PetalMettle · 28/05/2017 08:23

The correct answer is actually nursery will be better for some families/children, mum or dad being at home will benefit others. But no one should make condescending comments about other'S choices and accuse them of not bringing up their own children

AvoidingCallenetics · 28/05/2017 08:28

Women feel criticised and judged, whatever they do because truthfully (imo anyway) no choice is 100% perfect. They all have goid points and bad points, which is probably why this thread has hurt so many people. We all feel bad about the drawbacks to what we choose and this thread has really put the boot in! The wohp have focussed on the comment where a sahp said she felt her way was better because it is criticising their lives and choices and it is hurtful to hear that some people think that what you do isn't good enough. But there were lots of comments where sahp were told they weren't true partners, were freeloaders, not setting a good example, what they did required no skills and anyone could do it, were boring conversationalists with narrow lives. It has been very upsetting to be told that what I do has no value, not even to my children! A lot of nasty stuff said to sahp was left unchallenged. Those things stuck in my head because they are attacking me and the life I chose.

I honestly cannot see one good thing that has come out of this thread. Except maybe the realisation that I give sahp threads a wide berth in future!

arethereanyleftatall · 28/05/2017 08:32

I don't think any person is superior to another. We all just make different choices. Some make those choices to benefit their family, some make them to benefit themselves.

Westray · 28/05/2017 08:34

Some make those choices to benefit their family, some make them to benefit themselves.

I don't see it as an either/or.

The decisions I made benefited both me and my family.

A win win.

DeleteOrDecay · 28/05/2017 08:34

The wohp have focussed on the comment where a sahp said she felt her way was better because it is criticising their lives and choices and it is hurtful to hear that some people think that what you do isn't good enough. But there were lots of comments where sahp were told they weren't true partners, were freeloaders, not setting a good example, what they did required no skills and anyone could do it, were boring conversationalists with narrow lives. It has been very upsetting to be told that what I do has no value, not even to my children! A lot of nasty stuff said to sahp was left unchallenged. Those things stuck in my head because they are attacking me and the life I chose.

Exactly. What a nasty thread this is. I'm sure the op is having a whale of a time reading the responses however.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 28/05/2017 08:48

Calm down, Petal!! You are right that everyone makes choices best for their family but it does seem pretty obvious nursery isn't going to provide the same kind of love and care that a parent would. I put my children into nursery and have no issue with that as it is the best option even though it is not the best care iycwim.

And sorry but for people to get sooooo worked up over a stranger's comment on the internet does indicate something else going on.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/05/2017 08:52

I agree lastgirl.

I haven't been remotely offended by any of the insults thrown at sahms on this thread, because I don't think any of them are true. A bit like if someone calls me a fat slag, it's a pointless insult which carries no weight, as I'm neither of those.

YoloSwaggins · 28/05/2017 08:56

My OH works in a very family unfriendly industry. No women in his team, none of his colleagues have wives who work full time, most are either SAHM or have part time jobs.

A) why doesn't he change jobs
B) why is it normal for one parent to see the kid 24/7 and one to see them evenings and weekends
C) why are women in particular always so quick to give up their career, because men couldn't possibly change jobs or go PT!Confused

YoloSwaggins · 28/05/2017 08:58

Oh, and why are working fathers never accused of "not raising their kids full time"???

As an aside, I think nursery was brilliant. The kids I noticed who stayed at home seemed a bit more spoilt and didn't know how to share. Nursery teaches social skills.

YoloSwaggins · 28/05/2017 09:02

I am starting to think that, with some exceptions, both partners would be happier with roles shared more equally and the idea of being a long term (many years) SAHP has had its day.

Absolutely. It creates an unfair distribution of labour and sexist imbalance if one parent has to sit at home for years and the other only sees their kid evenings and weekend.

Perhaps both could work 3 days a week and put their kid into nursery 1 day.

Many companies now offer flexitime and are family friendly! It does seem many women are quick to go "1 person should stay at home.....ah guess it has to be me"

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