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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 20:55

What are you waiting for though double?
She doesn't want to put her kids in daycare because she doesn't have to. Hardly the crime of the century. Or even unusual.

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 20:57

She's not going to admit to it DSE. She'll keep pretending she just said/meant that some women choose it, whereas the implication was very clear.
Also delightful is "raise their child themselves", as apparently if your child isn't with you 24-7 you're not raising them

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 20:59

That's not what she said though lgp, she didn't say "some women feel" she said "some women understand" e.g. Her as opposed to us vile half humans who go out to work. No remote acknowledgement that some of us need to for financial reasons either.
I can't speak for double but what I would like is for her to apologise for such a smug unpleasant comment and stop pretending she didn't make it.

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 21:00

Hahahahaha into the "no it's your insecurities talking" what a piece of work you are,

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 21:00

I have answered you already. I'm not actually sure what else you want me to say to be honest.

No you have not. You have ranted but not explained.

Obviously you're getting some kind of kick out of this which is telling. But I've given you an answer so if that isn't good enough, tough shit!

Getting a kick no, hugely frustrated though most certainly. I suspect the "tough shit" declaration is how you consider winning arguments in RL when shit gets a bit too challenging, which is telling.

It goes something like this:

Comes onto thread
Writes a flurry of defensive, offensive and inflammatory posts.
Instantly becomes defensive, offensive and inflamed when challenged.
Begs for support from others sharing her view.
Then drops shit on posters who have supported.
Still refuses to explain.
Still refuses to explain but attempts to soften previous post. Badly.
This does not work.
Then flounces with a "tough shit" remark.

do you see now how this might be erm, well more than a bit frustrating now Navy?

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 21:00

Also delightful is "raise their child themselves", as apparently if your child isn't with you 24-7 you're not raising them

Exactly. That was the implication. What a load of rubbish. Clearly if they go to school, you're not raising them yourself Wink

Navy, you're just getting personal. Hardly a way to debate.

Fab39ish · 27/05/2017 21:00

Totally laughable that kids over 9 can walk cycle to activities. Well sorry that would mean a 10 Year old girl walking/cycling home at 9.30pm from one side of town to the other.
Guess op hasn't been back so we don't really know that his Dw does nothing whilst her 5 or 6 Year old is at school. If so than she bu.
However as others have said he may have no clue what she actually does. My youngest is now at nursery so I have time to myself during those 2.5. hours per day.
Much of this is spent doing housework shopping laundry etc. However I make sure at least half of this time is about me but I still get less downtime than he dh.
He gets home at 6pm and his day is over.
I still cook dinner,clean kitchen, do the numerous activity runs and bedtime.
I know SIL is always going on about me not working but we don't need the money so why add additional stress into the mix.
Because you can be sure it will still be me doing the bulk of pick ups and sick days etc

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 21:02

I can't speak for double but what I would like is for her to apologise for such a smug unpleasant comment and stop pretending she didn't make it.

This ^

Not a big ask I don't think

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 21:04

People can state their reasons for going to work - "I need the stimulation - I could not be dependent on a man - I need to for my sense of self-worth - I'm a true feminist - I am a better role model to my DC - Anyone can look after kids" - and so on.

If I told you my reasons for not wanting to put my children in daycare, It would be deemed an outrage. So people in my position tend to hold back.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 21:05

That's how I think it could be really valuable @fab39ish - means you and oh get more quality time in the evenings/weekends because you're not both battling with chores, you can get dinner on before he's home etc. Although it does mean you never get an evening from what I remember from maternity leave

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/05/2017 21:05

navy doesnt have to apologise for anything

Those are her opinions

According to yolo we are all entitled to our opinions

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 21:05

I'm not going to change what I said into something you want it to be.

Well that is clear. I don't want, I am interested to see what your explanation could possibly be.

You've obviously got insecurities surrounding being a wohp, maybe you should skip these types of threads in future eh?

Not at all- entirely happy with my lot thanks. Chores are done, dinner is in the oven and love the work I do though not quite as much as DC Wink who I put in nursery quite securely 5 days a week thanks for your concern.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/05/2017 21:05

Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc

Yes , some women really don't understand how vitally important it is to pack a swimming suit

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 21:07

Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves

Nope, even in context, still vile.

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 21:07

Even if Navy believes kids are better off not being in nursery, so what? Or are you only allowed opinions if they are about SAHMs? Why is that any worse than some of the shit other posters have been spouting?

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 21:09

Are people on the wine tonight?

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 21:10

Yolo what is your issue? I just don't get it.

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 21:10

Has anyone else suggested that sahms are harming their children by not going out to work? And is there a reason why she should be vile just because others have and then deny having said it and cast aspersions at the three entirely unconnected people who pick her up on her smug attitude?

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 21:11

JFC another one www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2940170-To-feel-disheartened-over-daughters-decision-to-become-a-housewife?pg=2

I am 95% sure now it is the same OP.

AvoidingCallenetics · 27/05/2017 21:12

There has been some nasty shit thrown at sahp on this thread - that we are not 'true partners' being the most recent insult.
Feminism is about equality of opportunity, respecting that people have different lives and make different choices and shouldn't be considered 'less' because capitalism has been sold us the lie that only activities which directly generate money are important.

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 21:12

Rufus I have not requested an apology....just wanted an explanation, which Navy is unable provide sadly that's all.

But no, you just picked what you thought looked insulting.
Because let's face it you like an argument don't you?

But no I thought and still do think it was insulting, in or out of its context. And no not particularly no, nowhere near as much as you Grin, seeking out my inaccurate insecurities along the way...what a joy you must be in RL `Navy!

But as you said "tough shit" Wink