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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 27/05/2017 19:28

You do all realise that the absent OP is most likely sitting back laughing at having set you at each other's throats don't you?

gillybeanz · 27/05/2017 19:29

Double

Navy doesn't need me to speak for her, but it was the different angle of why wouldn't you want a career.
It was a direct response to Yolo
Proving we all have different views.

Hi Navy haven't seen you in a while

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 19:29

Ffs navy, I stood up for you on this thread and then you come out with shit like this?
Yes, those of us who work don't give a shit about our kids, that's clearly your sole privilege

gillybeanz · 27/05/2017 19:30

Soup

There's another one now, I presumed this must be full Grin

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:32

You have zero empathy and understanding on this thread though Yolo, like now when it's actually needed. Your responses are laughable given you have no experience on either being a working mother or one that stays at home.

I understand why people do things, but it doesn't mean I always agree with it. My mum raised me to see the importance of a career, and my parents always said "our kids live around what we do, not the other way round!". This is what I look up to and think is a good model. Of course I'm going to hold certain opinions about people who do things differently - I understand why, but I don't agree! Just like any debate, people don't have to agree!

Just like I understand and have a lot of sympathy for people who get radicalised and see their country blown up to bits and feel anger at the West, but absolutely do not agree with what they do as a result!

How do you not see this?

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:34

Just like when someone else's family does things differently, people come out with judging comments saying "why do they do that"....

My colleague understands why some mums choose to go to the gym and get their nails done and not work when their kids are teens (it's easy), but she doesn't agree with it.

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 19:34

Ffs navy, I stood up for you on this thread and then you come out with shit like this?
Yes, those of us who work don't give a shit about our kids, that's clearly your sole privilege

I have tried desperately to understand your view Navy I truly have. I hope that what I have contributed here helps you perhaps understand better other peoples' choices, as opposed to judging them.

Are you honestly expecting me to fight your battles on here too when you are spouting such illogical and offensive crap?

Mistletoekids · 27/05/2017 19:34

YANBU

She ought to be doing more

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 19:36

You haven't shown much understanding on this thread though Yolo. It is great that you are certain of what you want in life and I hope you are able to achieve it. It would be nice though if you could understand that others may want different things to you. Or that others, like me, probably wanted similar things to you but were thrown curveballs like children with SN or health problems. Everyone is just trying to do their best, and even if their best makes you 'baulk' there is no need for so much disrespect.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvoidingCallenetics · 27/05/2017 19:38

I'd rather make my whole families lives easier (mine included) and make my dc happy, than 20 strangers by cutting their hair!
Most jobs can be done by numerous people, but only I can be my children's mum. If I want to do that by being at home ft, that is my prerogative. It doesn't follow that I feel no sense of achievement in my life or fulfillment. I am not denigrating those who have made different choices, but I'd quite like mine not to be described as freeloading or a waste of education or something that an immigrant who doesn't speak English could do. Actually, no they couldn't. Last week I taught my dc how to write an essay on a topic that came up during their exam - I am glad that I was at home and had the time to do it. That was massively valuable for my dc! Not saying a wohp doesn't do that stuff too, but it is certainly easier when it doesn't have to fit in around working ft too. It is offensive to be told that what I do has no intrinsic value and it simply isn't true for my children.

angelcakerocks · 27/05/2017 19:39

yolo are you now moving on to how easy it is to have teens Grin

PeanutButterBunny · 27/05/2017 19:39

*Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc.

Some women want to be there for their children all the time.*

Are you for real, Navy? I was raised by FT career woman and my mom is my idol. She might not have been with me all day long, but she is inspiring and still a FT mom just like you. Have a Biscuit!

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 19:40

That's all true and understandable @avoiding

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:41

I'm sorry. Just to clarify, I do understand and respect people who stay at home when their kids are not in school, or parents of SEN kids, etc. Of course people find fulfilllment from different things in life! I think it's a worthwhile choice. Where I cam from, maternity leave was paid for 3 years by the state for this reason.

What I do not agree with is when all the kids are in school, and we had 22 pages of some people either saying "home admin" took them all day, and some admitting they have a great easy life and go to the gym. This is because I believe everyone needs to pull their weight in a partnership! It is not fair for a woman to have 30 hours downtime and a man to work 40 hours a week and have no downtime, or vice versa. In OPs case, they both need to work PT!

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 19:41

"Some women understand". That really is a vile, horrendous, patronising phrase.
I guess I must be thick as well as a shit mum

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:43

*But you really don't know what you will do until you have your own baby. You have no idea what life may throw at you. And until then your comments hold no water with me because you're only going by what your mum did and for you that may be very different circumstances.

That's if you even have kids eh.*

Yes, that is true. I agree. You never know what the future holds! I'm just speaking from my perspective now. In 10 years time I might completely agree or I might eat my words.

@Angel, I don't know about other teens but I was a breeze haha - just sat on computer or went shopping and only came down for dinner! My brother's a bit of a drama queen though.

SoupDragon · 27/05/2017 19:43

I hope that what I have contributed here helps you perhaps understand better other peoples' choices, as opposed to judging them

Lololol... except I don't see you calling anyone out on their posts that s vile and judgemental about SAHMS. Odd that.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angelcakerocks · 27/05/2017 19:46

Even your shard designer may find it tricky to get back to work after lets say 8 years SAH (assuming a couple of kids say) There's lots of variables yolo I do think lazy SAHM is a lazy stereotype tbh.

angelcakerocks · 27/05/2017 19:48

yolo I hope your teens are also a breeze in that case. Certainly sounds like you've got the whole parenthood thing sussed!

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 19:51

Navy

  1. I've not been offensive anywhere on this thread
  2. What you've said on the above post is not what you said in your earlier post, which implied it wasn't a choice but something the morally superior do
You've been massively offensive
YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:52

I think it's pretty accepted from what I've seen here that teens are easier than toddlers because they are independent, can help with chores, look after themselves, don't need constant watching etc?

Yes they need a lot more emotional support and can be arses, and teen years is when a lot of MH issues can develop - in which case yes it can be harder. But they need/want a lot less supervision and parental time. Generally speaking, of course.