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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 18:54

want to demonstrate to their children that they value human relationships over extra spare cash they don't really need.

I don't believe that for a second Angelcake. Not one bit. Nobody I know male or female commutes daily and works in excess of a 40 hour week for "extra spare cash they don't really need." I would say most working parents cherish the moments they get with their children more than you will ever know (or need to understand clearly).

By the same passive agrgressive token:
Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc.

What an utterly vile thing to state on a forum called Mumsnet. What is clear here is the business of parenting and/or working or not is a choice, not a choice to be "putting it" Shock in nursery as if that's a bad thing? Nursery is excellent for many children surely?

oohloolala · 27/05/2017 18:56

Are there really 677 replies to this, including several posters who have written eighteen pages front and back, but not a peep from desperate Danny?!

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 18:57

'What an utterly vile thing to state on a forum called Mumsnet'

Have you read the rest of the posts on this thread?!

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 18:58

oohloolala must be raking in a lot of places today..... oh and the football is on Wink

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

famousfour · 27/05/2017 19:05

Yolo I would call what you are describing personal aspiration, achievement and fulfilment rather than about 'creating economic value' per se. But perhaps that is just semantics. Others presumably find that achievement and fulfilment other than through career / job progression.

It was the suggestion earlier (I think by another poster) that working is more valuable as it 'creates economic value' as compared to those at home that I found odd. I work but it's certainly not for that reason!

Good role models come in all shapes and forms in my opinion it can't be defined by whether you work or at home.

angelcakerocks · 27/05/2017 19:06

double you said they were doing it 'to demonstrate the value of work and not seeing men as a meal ticket'
That's very different from working because they need to, which is what most people do. I work PT btw, not that that matters.
Most women I know have done combination of FT/PT/SAHM as needed.
If families can afford it, and both agree on it, then I think it's just as valid to show dcs that nurturing family life is important, as it is to show that earning extra money is important. It depends on each family and their ideals.
The vitriol SAHMs have had on here is disgusting imo

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:08

If families can afford it, and both agree on it, then I think it's just as valid to show dcs that nurturing family life is important, as it is to show that earning extra money is important

But this is my issue - women (or the SAHP) having a career is not just "extra money"! It's about the achievement and fulfillment that comes with it, the fact that you could have cut 20 peoples hair that day and made them happy, or saved someone's life with heart surgery, or sent a rocket to Mars, or designed the next Shard.

Extra money, seriously.....SMH.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 19:10

Being a good role model to your children is about being a decent and kind person - it's got nothing to do with whether you have a job or not - nor the type of job if you have one. As if kids care. To them you are just their mum and they want you to be happy above all else.

angelcakerocks · 27/05/2017 19:10

Some people find fulfilment in being at home with dcs believe it or not yolo or doing voluntary work or study or all sorts of things.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

papayasareyum · 27/05/2017 19:14

one thing this thread has been very useful for, is highlighting one again just how deeply ingrained the intense dislike of sahms is on Mumsnet.

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:15

Fair enough.

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 19:16

Yolo do you find it hard to empathise or imagine circumstances that are outside your frame of reference? I can't imagine ever questioning someone so vigorously about why they made a different choice than I would. It's bizarre.

gillybeanz · 27/05/2017 19:17

Yolo
Can you not see though that for a woman who wants to be a sahm if they worked it would be for the extra money as they wouldn't see work as fulfilling or an achievement.

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 19:18

It depends on each family and their ideals.

Absolutely this Angelcakes

That does not though fall in line with the line which caused me the most offence and I would imagine falls into the "vitriol" category the poster was complaining at being sent in her direction:

Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc

Surely you can see how offensively that reads to some who have made their choice?

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:21

Nope, I do have a lot of empathy and understanding for a lot of situations I haven't been in.

It's just "staying at home to look after kids" is the polar opposite of everything I've wanted to do with my life. I've never wanted kids and even now it's a "maybe". So while I know that different things make different people happy, being willing to quit your job in a heartbeat and do the sort of work I'd hate, does make me baulk a bit yes.

Just like a lot of people baulk at how anyone would want to "leave their kids all day" or do things a certain way.

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 19:23

Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc

And I agree, this is offensive. Implying that that working parents are somehow intellectually/emotionally challenged and are harming their kids with childcare.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 19:23

papaya - I agree that there is a hardcore disrespect for SAHMs on MN, but fortunately it's not something I've ever encountered in real life.
The SAHM model works best when both partners feel that they are getting the deal that suits them. Like any other kind of relationship, it can't work if there is resentment on either side. But where it does work, the fact is that it really works well and everyone benefits.

gillybeanz · 27/05/2017 19:25

double

I said the same and it has nothing to do with other people's choices.
I don't like childcare and have never used it. I saw the value in not using them, I don't think others are wrong to use them, or that there decision is worse than mine.
I have a child who boards, you can imagine the comments I get.
The worst was from a wohm whose kids were looked after by somebody else for most of their waking hours Shock and she hardly saw them at all. I was a bad mother for allowing my dd to board.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allofthestress · 27/05/2017 19:26

You can do things throughout your life as well. My mum was a SAHM when myself and my brother were younger. She worked when my dad left then married my stepdad and had two more kids. She stayed at home until they were secondary school age but volunteered and studied. She's now a hospital chaplain helping loads of people. I'm proud of how she's adapted her life and talents to the circumstances of her life at each time.

She's done so much throughout her life and has helped many people, and raised 4 brilliant kids (academically successful as well if that's your measure of success).

Adapting to what your family needs is what matters. If your family needs you to SAHM for whatever reason that's a perfectly valid choice and no one should be scornful of it. Round where I live it's the SAHM and the ones who work for themselves like me who make sure school trips can go ahead and fill in for the TAs that have been lost through cuts.

doubleshotespresso · 27/05/2017 19:26

Why is that not enough for you?

C'mon Navy.. Seriously? Confused

Some choose to go to work and still fulfil the same role as you...

Why is that not okay with you?

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 19:26

Yolo -if you're not even sure you want kids, why do you care about any of this?Confused

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.