Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Well, my mum did all this and it was the best choice for all of us, one which both of us were really happy with. She had a career and raised a happy kid because it's what she wanted, I really respect that choice and currently think I would want similar.

Am I not allowed to have an opinion on something if I haven't directly experienced it? I mean, I can see why you think it would be less valid, but then just ignore my posts.

Also, my boyfriend said he can totally see himself as a SAHD (he'd love it), so that's another reason.

In another life I'd love to have been an SAHD, but our finances just wouldn't allow for it. DW works part time, and we have discussed her going FT or getting more hours after our youngest goes to school, but we live very rurally, transport costs are high, and timings would be awkward, so we just decided the extra money (welcome though it would be) wouldn't be worth the hassle.

*The wife in the OP sounds like a lazy piss taker.

Most stay at home mams aren't lazy piss takers*

Quite - why can this thread not differentiate between 'this particular person in this specific scenario maybe BU' and 'all SAHMs are bludgers'.

My mum was a SAHM - she was also a treasurer of a local charity, a justice of the peace, a registrar, secretary of a local club, and a presiding officer for elections.

And bingo! Now some posters are up in arms about a single perceived criticism of working mothers. Having spent the entire thread slagging off SAHMS.

Total fucking hypocrits.

And just because someone doesn't go out to work it doesn't mean they are zombified without any intellectual input. What a bizarre outlook you have.

Glad you're getting it now Navy.

That is exactly why it is not unreasonable for working parents to expect some output while they are out at work....

The fair standard is equal free time. It seems to me that MN sees this as blindingly obvious when a man has more free time but, for some reason with SAHMs, if a guy has 4 hours free a week and a woman 25, all sorts of excuses are found for why this is fair.

I guess might have something to do with the demographics of MN,

josh
what has that got to do with it?
Of course some people don't have the choice, but the conversation was about those making choice .

Yes, some people do see the value in not using nurseries, after school clubs etc. It's a personal value put on their parenting, it doesn't have to be other people's value, we are all different.

larrygrillis you've also got to factor in that the man is often happy for the SAHM to take on the far greater share of every burden during the baby and very early years, and then as soon as things get slightly easier for her that's all conveniently forgotten and he's hard done by.

Possibly not. You have most certainly implied so though....

You have also singled out "some women" in their choice, yet consider others on here to "berate" your voice as a SAHM...

Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc.

Yes Navy....

And other women choose or are indulged to work and demonstrate to their children the value of work and that not all men are a guaranteed meal ticket.

Navy out of context how? Sorry not sure what you meant there...

Angel cake,

So, if the man is older and has worked hard for more years pre marriage (and shared the proceeds of that work), should that also be taken into account?

It also assumes that the man did not take on any of the work in the baby years.

Any excuse.,..

Perhaps most SAHMs see their spouse as their partner rather than a 'meal ticket' double and want to demonstrate to their children that they value human relationships over extra spare cash they don't really need.

value human relationships over extra spare cash they don't really need.

But that's a load of bollocks isn't it.

FT parents value human relationships.

A fulfilling and rewarding career is so much more than "extra spare cash".

I think the problem on this thread is, some of us will never understand each other.

*FT working parents

excuse to what larry? I'm simply saying extra work during the baby and toddler years are often overlooked. Many SAHMs I know had high flying professional careers pre dcs but decided with their spouse that two people working those type of hours wasn't sustainable to have the family life they wanted.Therefore they may already have contributed quite a bit to the family pot money wise.

SAHMs have been ridiculed and belittled for this whole thread. I've been here 7 years and it is one of the most vicious I've seen on the subject.

Angel cake,

Yes every case is Sui generis but, equally, if you are a sahp you have to embrace the role and take on the shit work as well as the gym, lunches, hobby time. That includes helping the other partner have free time when they are not working.

If you don't want to do the above, there is a clear alternative. Get a job and buy in some childcare.

I agree with you larry I'm just saying that for SAHPs as soon as life gets easier they are suddenly lazy whereas in the early years the WOHP could be considered to have it easier in many ways. So it's swings and roundabouts for both parties.

Yolo I admit I'm struggling to understand why you are so forceful and judgemental about issues you haven't yet experienced. You don't seem to realise that even with the best laid plans things can go wrong and circumstances can change.

btw I'm talking about SAHMs generally here rather than the apparently not fictional OP