Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

I've done most of an OU degree too! Really good for self esteem and keeping the brain ticking over...

I wonder if you would still feel the same if you were working for minimum wage, paying out more in childcare than you earn,

Obviously not - I worked minimum wage jobs while at uni and they were boring as shit, so if that was my only employment option, of course I'd rather give it up and SAH.

However, I'm lucky in that the degree I did (maths) has several interesting career options and the possibility of going into academia. I always loved maths as a kid and want to challenge myself with it for the rest of my life (as did my mum). I can't imagine giving that up from my life, never having to think over a tough problem or use that part of my brain again. You can be a fantastic mum like mine was, without going to the PTA bake sales and coming on the school trips. Again, I'm lucky that those career options are all quite well paid, and it will be worthwhile to work and pay for childcare/cleaning rather than not work.

Obviously if I was a different person in a different position I'd have a different opinion, but I'm not.

And yes I know you can learn/work at home but I am terrible at motivating myself to do anything at home without external pressure.

Oooh, you're following my path yolo. I also have a maths degree. Followed by a good related career. Gave it all up to be a sahm.

Also, my boyfriend said he can totally see himself as a SAHD (he'd love it), so that's another reason.

it's depressing to see so many women who so readily give up work to further there partners career.

can't you see yolo that you have a specific set of circumstances
well paid job
professional status
potential sahd or at least partner without a very demanding career involving lots of travel/relocating etc

not to mention that you've not even had dcs yet! You can't overlay your own experiences onto others whose lives are different and who make different choices for different reasons in different circumstances.

Yolo, having dc can change your perspective. At this point you cannot be certain that you will always feel the same about your career.
Before I had ds1, I could never quite understand why people wanted more than one child. I figured that one would give you all the pg and parenting experience you could possibly ever want. I went back to work when ds was very young because I was in the fortunate position of having my mum do all my childcare and I had only just qualified and needed to get work experience.
Now here I am with 4 dc! Things change. I had a hard second pg, had to stop work for a while, never intended it to be forever, but realised how much I loved being there. My mum had been doing all the fun stuff with ds1 and I wanted to do it too. I didn't really see that coming.

I'm not keen on doing school trips if I'm totally honest. But parents do it because their kids love it. These things are really important to them. My friends who woh have to give up days off or swap shifts to do it, so even if you woh you are unlikely to get out of them completely I'm with you on the pta bake sales though

Yes, I see what you mean about my circumstances.

It just saddens me (same as PP above) that 90% of the time, men's careers are considered so important and prioritised over womens, and women so readily give theirs up whereas men do not. Mine is important to me and I don't want to give it up - if my partner demanded I did to accommodate his, I don't think we'd end up staying together really.

It's for all things (not even kids) - for example when my mum met my stepdad, she moved to UK to learn the language and had to give up her job and get one that wasn't quite what she wanted to do for a year. I guess it worked out for her in the end because being English-speaking really helps in academia, and working at a UK uni is "prestigious", but why did he not move country and take a crapper job for the year to learn her language?

It's entirely depressing to see so many educated women willingbto given up work. Yes, many people do see work as an extension of identity which to me is marginally better than seeing kids as an extension of identity. So many posters are quick to try to convince that SAH is entirely their choice. Yet it seems to be a choice almoat exclysively made by women. A choice shaped and motivated so strongly by prevailing gender norms and assumptions held by generations in society is not really a free choice at all.
And for the previous poster who said that one might be quick to give up work to SAH if one had a mundane minimum wage job. That is true. But that presumes the wage earner has an interesting high paid job which is worthwhile for him to continue. What if the wage earner was in a mundane minimum wage job too? Do men get a chance to say fuck it, makes more sense for me to stay home or is it only women? In a relationship where both are on minimum wage, who gets to have the luxury of deciding to stay home?

@Avoiding, I do get what you're saying that we'll never know what we want in future - I thought I wanted to live with my 2 BFFs in London while I was at uni, but when I moved in with them, they drove me mad and I had a breakdown and got my own flat in a suburb.

I'm just speaking for how I think now. Obvs it may all change.

I also read posts here from people younger than me and think "ahh, you're so idealistic!".

User, no one sah specifically to further their dh's career, but it's often what happens when one person can do their thing at work and doesn't have childcare constraints.
For us, it made sense when we had dc2 and felt guilty about my mum doing ft childcare for 2, for me to sah. I wanted to do it at that point, but I probably wouldn't have if I'd had my dh's earning potential. We wanted our dc to be looked after by a parent (inc mine ) ideally, but if I was the one who would earn significantly more, I would have wanted dh to do it, I think.

But yes, agree with @fatdogs - everyone should choose to do what makes them happy, and if it's SAH that's great. But why is it always women? Why do women feel they need to give things up for their husbands because their husband's career takes priority?

user

I don't know a single sahm who gave up work to further their husband's career. Although, for many this has been the result.
I gave my career up for my whole family for a better standard of living, flexibility and freedom.
I know many people choose to work, but many choose not to, for various reasons.

I agree that too often it is women who give things up. No relationship ever works out if one partner demands things of the other. I am lucky because my dh was always happy to support my choices. Yes, his preferred choice is that our dc have a parent at home and he would be happy to sah if I could earn what he does. But if I wanted to work ft/had a career I adored he would never expect me to give that up.

Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc.

Is that a quiet dig at working women?

Nursery helps massively with social skills and independence.

After school club is much more fun that sitting at home - at mine we had sports, crafts, all sorts. What would I have done at home between 3 & 5 that would have been a better spend of time?

Yolo
Maybe they don't see it as giving anything up, or at least not in a negative way.
I was a hr tax payer at a very young age, thriving business and a brilliant career.
Once I gave birth/ in fact during pregnancy, I decided it wasn't for me anymore.
I certainly wasn't going to go backwards and do menial work, unless of course I had to.
My family of which i'm a member have benefitted hugely from me being a sahm, every one of us.
Why on earth would you jeopardise that happiness and freedom to work if you didn't have to.

Not sad or depressing at all. A choice I freely made and am 100% happy with.

Some women understand the importance of raising a child themselves without putting it in nursery, before and after school club etc.

And some women don't have the privilege of choice and must go out to work so that their family can have a house, food and stuff.

Don't contribute to any household chores at the weekend. Let your bone idle wife do them or just allow it all to pile up. She's not pulling her weight, don't let her get away with it, she's treating you like a mug. If this were the other way round there'd be outrage and calls for LTB.

Their husbands gives them no other choice "Why would you want to leave him alone". My son is 2 now and he wants me to look for a part time job that doesn't involve him going into nursery, and homeschool my 9 year old for the next 2 years. My body feels tired and my head feels warm through thinking about it.

I would have to look for work after 6pm but no late night shifts. My 9 year old should go back to school so I can find work. He disagrees.

Surely its as simple as in thr OP they had an agreement and now things have changed the working parent feels the stay at home parent in the situation is taking the piss a bit (especially as she doesn't want to discuss it because she loves her me time).

The wife in the OP sounds like a lazy piss taker.

Most stay at home mams aren't lazy piss takers.

The issue is somebody taking the piss and not being willing to discuss it, not the fact that they happen to stay at home.