Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Well, so far I've made every single life decision same as my mum (degree subject, job title, boyfriend personality and hometown) so it's not too far a reach to think I'd be the same regarding this.

But we'll see, I'm only young, what do I know.

I loved my degree too - and the skills I used to gain it I have used to educate my DC.

And I certainly don't see myself as financially reliant, or beholden, to my DH in anyway. We are a partnership - 50/50. If I didn't do what I do, he couldn't do what he does, and vice versa. All money is joint, not his and hers. And that's how its been for very many years now. I would find it utterly alien to think of it in any other way.

I understand what you are saying but why do you consider that creating economic value is so important?

There are lots of good reasons to work but creating economic value in that sense has never been one of them, at least for me.

but "benefitting" from SAHM sounds one-sided. The women have agreed to this. They're also agreed to benefit from the husband working and be able to live comfortably off someone else's money.

FWR calls this "unpaid wife work". Male partner "benefits his" career by female partner looking after "his home and his children". It's the same mindset as displayed by some posters on here with the idea that households will cease to function without the SAHM doing all the household admin.

thanks avoiding i think people have to realise that not all SAHP's are the same and not all WOHP's are - the gender reverse roles are tricky because it is easier to cleanly shed the responsibility for the salary earning (once you have left job thats it) but not the other bits - so I still feel responsible for lots of the traditional woman roles (I sort out homework attend parents evening etc) so i am doing more than the traditional WOHP .
I would say though (and I know the OP didn't come back )that there was immediately an assumption that he was exaggerating/making it up/maligning his wife with no evidence- whereas whenever i have posted similar I get sympathy and DP is described as a cocklodger.
The sexism on here in this area is dreadful.
My frustration stems from the fact that even if DP did run the house and do all the normal housework etc his life would not be hard but he isn't prepared to even do that because he wants it as easy as possible. If he was doing his fair share we would all have a better life and i would be ok supporting his very easy life- i'm just no longer prepared to support his very very easy life. What worries me is if splitting up i was made to continue to support his lifestyle ...

Ah Utopia I thought you meant from their family
I couldn't give a shiny shit what anyone else thinks about my families choices in life.
Life isn't about being a crowd pleaser or a sheep.
It's far too short, people should do what they want and not bother about others, obviously as long as they aren't hurting others.

I understand what you are saying but why do you consider that creating economic value is so important?

I don't know, it's just my background. All my family are academic, all worked FT with kids. I see them as an inspiration.

If I compare my mum/auntie (academic & eye surgeon) and my cousins (SAHMs) - what have they achieved in common? They both raised well-educated and well-rounded kids. I think childcare benefitted rather than detrimented me - learned social skills and sharing from nursery, independence from getting to/from school myself, getting public transport, doing own homework. Obvs I have no idea what staying home with mum would have been like, so am not in a position to comment.

The difference is, my mum/auntie also have publications, awards and go abroad to speak to audiences. They've achieved things for themselves and I look up to them. In any career, you can feel proud of your personal achievements. My cousins, now their kids are in school, potter about in the garden and go to Zumba and visit each other for tea. That's lovely, but to me, my mum/auntie are better role models.

Some may completely disagree, but seeing as our backgrounds shape who we are, this is why I think how I do.

Yolo. In your post of 15.52 you have inferred the wohp is somehow superior to the Sahp.
The main reason I have become a sahp (well mostly, I work ten hours pw termtine) is because all of my family (that's myself, my dh and our dds) are happier this way.
For me, success is happiness, thus my being a sahp is success.
( I fully recognise that for other families, their dynamic works better with both working. Fine).

arethere

I totally agree, especially about the success.
No way would our lives be what they are now if I'd had to work.
It wouldn't have suited us and closed so many doors to my dc because of our circumstances.
That's not to say it would suit other families who choose/ have no choice but to have both parents working.

As for men who expect the sahm to do everything, this couldn't be further from my experience.
Mine never goes out with friends as not into pubs, no hobbies at weekend as often working then.
Whenever he is at home which is most of the time he does more than his fair share and Mum and Dad have both have equal status on the parenting front.
I have perhaps done more of the domestic chores and looking after the dc when they were little as dh had to take work when it came in and build up career. Nobody can be in two places at the same time, but even then he came home and got stuck in.

It's always been joint money and likewise would be alien for either of us to think any differently. I've never had to ask for money as it's my money too. I just use what I want/need when the need arises.
I do admin but so does dh.
He does garden, car, DIY, we share most other things.
It works for us.

Yolo - In our area of London pretty much everyone is a high-flier and they've come in from all over the world. As you get older, you realise that family matters more.

As you get older, you realise that family matters more.

Family mattering and having a FT career are 2 compatible things.

It depends what the career is Yolo. Try being married to my DH or the type of husbands most if my friends have. Many of us have lived all over the place and yes it does impact the children if you're not very careful.

I don't think there are two camps of women at all. I had a high flying career and then had a baby and went back to work relatively early. Circumstances changed and I ended up a single mum which didn't fit with my career so I stopped working for a while. I now do two jobs from home and am completing a second masters degree. I work from home to be around for my child - I want to work but also be there for him. He's not the whole of my life but neither is my work. They're both just parts of me.
(And I'm still ambitious, I aim to do a PhD next year - he'll be at school by then so out of the house for longer, but still needing me. I just find the balance that works between meeting both of our needs).

What a horrible thread, and yolo your views are very idealistic.

I wonder if you would still feel the same if you were working for minimum wage, paying out more in childcare than you earn, the childcare provision in your area was non existent or crap, and your children didn't want to go anyway. You had to miss all the assemblies/sports days, after school parties and play dates, you couldn't take your dc to clubs/lesson after school because you were working, there was no one to cover for your children when they got sick (which they will, a lot) and everyone so exhausted and miserable by Saturday. Not to mention the joys of tying to find somewhere they can go during the holidays.

Many people work and juggle all of the above, but it's rarely easy.

The truth is every family has to do what they feel works best for them.

My first degree had nothing to do with the career I went into. I did a part-time Masters while working. I was about to do a PHD - then I met DH! Married within 6 months and then in the Far East 6 months after that when he had to cover for someone. Then 3 DC came along and here we are, but no regrets at all.

Lots of people define themselves by their jobs and through work achievements. Nothing wrong with that but not everyone is the same. I didn't hate my job, but I didn't totally love it either. Defining worth through paid employment can be tricky if you are ever made redundant or cannot work through ill health.
Not woh, doesn't mean sahp have no achievements, never learn anything new and never do anything constructive to be proud of.

...as someone who never wanted kids...

Ahhh.

Yolo I had all sorts of ideas about what sort of parent I would be and what kind of lifestyle I would have until I had a child with additional needs. You don't always know what's around the corner.

It boils down to what your main values are once you do have the choice. I have been a sahm for 15 years now and loved every minute and have close relationships with all my children I value nurturing relationships with others over consumerism. Luckily DH has the same values and couldn't give a shit what I do all day as he has every faith I'm a great mum,

Why would someone with kids be so deluded to think they could comment on here and be taken seriously?

I have plenty to be proud of through being a SAHM. I think you have to do something constructive while at home so you don't go brain dead. I have completed courses and music exams, I have achieved grade 4. Now me and my daughter are both competing to get grade 5 completed.

Exactly utopia. My DH is delighted if I take up a new sport or hobby because it makes him feel less guilty about all the stuff he does eg. this weekend he's sailing in Greece (so I'm chilling with the DC between mumsnetting)!

That's good HorridHenry. I've completed two thirds of an OU degree but had to postpone it for the last couple of years due to circumstances with the kids. Hoping to finish it next year all being well!

Well done stitch it's never easy is it. The OU is good in that way they give you up to 15 years to complete their courses.