Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Its hard work being a SAHM, there is only so much coffee you can drink, sometimes you need a lie down just to recover from the caffeine rush. Then when your shopping is delivered it can be a nightmare unpacking it and putting it in cupboards. Don't even get me started about online banking, I mean who even has time for that, there are only so many hours in the day.

And come 3 o'clock all hell breaks loose. The kids make all sorts of noise playing on their ipads and watching netflix. Sometimes I have to have a little G+T in the garden just to make it to 4 o'clock. Fortunately they go to a club then so I can get an hour of me time to recover.

As for DH expecting a meal on the table when he gets home, well thank god for microwave meals and disposable cutlery, means I dont have to nag him to do the washing up.

Don't be a dick Jamie

So DesperateDanny posted a thread which was only going to inspire a torrent of sahm bashing replies and then fucked off? That's never happened before on here, has it?!

This is a quite depressing thread tbh. It was kicked off with a stereotypical "lazy SAHM" scenario that was bound to bring all the usual judgements out in full force.

Of course there are women who don't work who have school aged kids. Few people in life actually set out to make their lives harder than they need to be. Some women are at home with live in staff and chauffeurs to boot. In some families the men don't need to work either. They just dabble about with the odd investment or consultancy project.

Other families do a cost / benefit analysis and decide that the benefit of a SAHP outweighs the costs. Why do people struggle to grasp this?

WEll said gillybeanz.

All the posters now picking holes in a sahp's list of things they do, seem to have forgotten that the sahp's were simply responding to the question those very same posters asked of what they do all day.

Also, and I'll say this slowly, how much admin you have to do for your own family, has absolutely no bearing on how much admin another family has to do.

And Jamie, that's just drivel.

I think only one poster on this thread has said being a sahp to school age dc is hard, most of us think it's bliss.

Tbh I know quite a few people as outlined in Jaimies spoof post

I don't know any.

Jamie 😂

I think a lot of sahm are trapped in a situation that they have to be the driving force at everyone's beck and call, with little respect and with people labelling them. If the sahm wants to use the time when they're not needed then surely she should make herself happy.

If op showed more respect I'm sure Dw might be more willing to do more.

Lady I know overheard at school gates "I'm so busy, I had 2 gym classes and a hair appointment!"

The ARE people like that

Yolo

Whats not busy about doing things 2 classes and hair appointment probably ate into quite a few hours.
You don't have to be working or have a job to be busy.
I used to do all sorts of things in the day that kept me busy, I still do and the hours I do actually work are just a part of it.
I don't get this attitude of everyone having to justify what they do with their time, do what makes you happy.

I'm a SAHM and very proud to be (dons hard hat here!). My home life and family are my work. TBH I couldn't give a fig if someone thinks I'm a 1950s throwback, uneducated, put-upon woman. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have degrees, and use them to educate the DC. I run everything at home, and DH's career has flourished because he has the chance to focus on that and not worry about mundane things like housework etc. I run everything at home, our DC's lives, all the gardening etc etc. Everything. And DH and I are very, very happy with this set up, and have been for many years.

I won't be going back to work, despite DCs being at school. Yes, I do "do lunch" or coffee with my friends, maybe once a week. DH sees his friends too - we're happy with this. Now I'm off to pour us both a large G&T. Cheers!

As for having no respect for a sahm, you must be joking.
My family totally respect my role and responsibilities and are thankful for the things I do/have done for them.
The kids love that both me and their Dad have been there for them, that I was there after school and gave them the opportunities that most working parents couldn't.
I have total respect utopia what makes you think a sahm doesn't?

Yolo I had a day not unlike that last Wednesday. I was committed to a run in the morning, then I had a wax appt after pilates (to late to reschedule) and wasn't sure if I would make it over there and then back in time for the school run due to roadworks. It happens. Anyway, I made it.

gilly. You really think sahm have respect? From others I meant.

Yes, maybe I will change my mind, but I doubt it tbh.

There seems to be 2 types of women - those where having kids was their one dream and biggest wish in life, and they want to SAH. Their kids are their proudest achievement. They don't care about career and see 9-5 as a rat race and necessity, not an aspiration.

Then those who find their career/intellectual pursuit more fulfilling and children are just a part of their life, but not their whole life. They find sitting at home boring and would go stir crazy sitting with kids all day. They need fulfillment from something else and want to do other things with their life other than childcare and housework.

I am very much in the 2nd camp, as was my mum, hence my opinions.

And forgive me if I've "bashed" the first camp, my cousins are like this, it's just a mindset I find hard to understand (as someone who never wanted kids and loved my degree).

Also, personally I would absolutely hate to be financially dependent on someone.

That's fine Yolo. Do what you need to do.

Dp would have loved me to go back to work full time 9am -5pm when the youngest went to school but wasn't willing to pay for childcare or engage in any of dcs after school activities or homework or go 50/50 on the housework gardening or diy. That was all down to me. Unfortunately as dp knew when he met me i have no qualifications so the minimum wage job I could have got it would have been working for nothing and it would have meant I would have needed to dip into his salary to pay for everything else that needed doing
So at home I stayed.