Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Wtf is all this household admin that needs doing? Our bills go out by direct debit. Responding to a kids party requires sending out one text and picking up a present and card when I happen to go out, which can also coincide with picking up milk. Once a year I might need to sort out house insurance from a comparison site. And I work part time, I wonder how I manage. 🙄

Jamie... 😂😂😂😂😂😂

For me, the central problem here/with sah is the men who are quite happy to benefit from the woman sah through the difficult pre school years, to build their careers and enjoy all the advantages of not being constrained by childcare responsibilities etc. Then, when the dc go to school, expect their wives to do any old menial job, fit it in around school hours and do all the wifework too.
To me, that is them continuing to get all the benefits of a sah partner, without the sah partner getting anything out of it for themselves. These will invariably be the same men who think nothing of playing sport half the weekend or going out for drinks with their mates, cos they've been at work all week and deserve it!

I think fair enough to ask a sahp to return to work if you are going to support them to get the same economic advantages that the wohp has managed to acquire off the back of having someone manage their 50% family life.
Then you get other women piling in, who also ignore any value the sahp has given to the family and to the woh partner. That's when it gets misogynistic imo.
So if OP comes back (not holding my breath) and says he is willing to meaningfully support his wife to rtw and will step up at home, then I will have some sympathy.

OP I am with you -I am full time who - long commute etc- one child in school. DP does no house during week. We used to have a cleaner but i lost my job/now earn less so decided it was a luxury. DP was suppose dot pick up the slack- nada - i do it at the weekends and in my spare time (!) - he never empties a dishwasher - he regards washing as meaning put washing in machine (unsorted) -pile in heap etc - he seems to do the traditional man jobs though - and he does take DS to his after school activities and cook (but only from things like Hello Fresh) ...
I feel so resentful it has basically brought our relationship to its knees and beyond. He's always been a lazy fucker but this is worse - I was off for a bit while between jobs and i have a very good idea of what he does all day - nothing.he does fun things for him.
Its not hard being off with children - its just hard when its dull . He will only do tasks such as his own admin when they don't eat into his me time - e.g. at the weekends when otherwise he might have to do childcare /family things.
Hidden tasks of running a home- bollocks - I do those /on line shopping /clothes shopping/spring cleaning etc
Its not about the difficulty of going back to work its about the inherent unfairness and lack of respect- basically it feels like anything that east into his 50 hours of doing selfish stuff won't be done- and he doesn't care how it affects me.
Anyway for me I always thought that the advantages of having a SAHP for the family were worth it and I would have to accept the fact that it was better for DP than for me but now i'm not convinced - an au pair seems like a better solution!

Oh well I actually get paid for looking after my kid so hopefully I'll get the SAHM seal of approval that is being doled out to specific posters on this thread.

For me, the central problem here/with sah is the men who are quite happy to benefit from the woman sah through the difficult pre school years, to build their careers and enjoy all the advantages of not being constrained by childcare responsibilities etc. Then, when the dc go to school, expect their wives to do any old menial job, fit it in around school hours and do all the wifework too.

I agree - but "benefitting" from SAHM sounds one-sided. The women have agreed to this. They're also agreed to benefit from the husband working and be able to live comfortably off someone else's money.

What man would expect his wife to return to work then do all the housework? A shit one, because that's not normal. Nowadays I'm pretty sure the expectation is that if both parties work equal hours, they both split chores 50/50 and have equal downtime.

Avoiding just to answer that from me - no-one asked DP to SAH - i didn't benefit from it as he wasn't helping me with my career -I wasn't unconstrained by childcare responsibilities as we still had DS in childcare for part of the time (to preserve DP's me time) and i would say that preschool is a lot easier to deal with without a SAHP than school time
I don't want DP not to do fun things i just think that doing the tasks that need doing comes first and his choice means I don't get to do fun things.
and remember most SAP want to stay at home - its not done for the benefit of the working partner - to switch it round the SAHP wants to continue to have the benefit of the WOHP without the WOHP getting anything out of it themselves.
And don't make this men vs women,

Yolo and Fatdogs I agree with everything you both write.

I also think that some of the people shouting misogyny haven't actually experienced it. It is not misogynistic to call people out who are freeloading off other people.

AvoidingCallenetics
See your point.
To me there are logical fair set ups

1. Both work full time and split stuff 50/50
2. One stays at home, other works. SAHP does the lions share but evening and weekend jobs are split
3. One works full time and the other part time. Part time person does more at home than full time. Both do weekend things.

Things that take the piss:

1. SAHP stays at home and has lots of me time but feels that doing the bulk of the house stuff isn't really their problem. Working parent probably feels like they're propping up their partners leisure lifestyle.
2. Both working and one partner decides the weekends are their me time, leaving the other to pick up all/most of the home chores.
3. One full time and one part time where the FT person expects the PT worker to do all the jobs a SAHP would do on top of working whilst the FT person doesn't help much, even at weekends.

To me, the thread shouldn't be about "what do SAHP do all day" and it should be more 'is this arrangement fair or is somebody taking the piss'.

And if you look at all my situations above, I've not mentioned gender.

Whether somebody is being fair or taking the piss has nothing to do with gender.

I'm a wohm and dh is a sahp one school age child. I am SO glad to see people agree with op. I'm in the same position :(

When it comes to the whole 'what do sahm do all day' question, it honestly varies.
Yesterday I was on a school trip all day. Was also on one last week. Have older dc on study leave - spent hours helping them both with revision for exams. I do the pre school prep, after school running around with their activities, cook, housework, shopping. Some days I really am busy, other days I get quite a few hours to myself.
Now I know wohp have to also help their kids revise/shop/cook etc and are definitely more busy than me unless they buy in help. But, they have the advantage of two incomes. I have less money but more free time. I enable dh to have more free time than he would get if we both woh. Swings and roundabouts isn't it?
I think there are actually very few people who can maintain a lunching out everyday kind of lifestyle on one income. Lucky them.

I will say though if both partner's work FT, all child related tasks and housework and other chores should be split 50/50. And yes very often, the FT working woman is supposed to do the bulk of the housework and still work outside the home which is very unfair. I don't know what the solution to that is really. Other than women putting their foot down and refusing to pick up the slack of the other partner. But i do know the solution is not:" oh if i work i will still have to do all the housework anyway, so I might as well jack in FT empoloyed work and just do the house stuff."
I personally think a lot of woman get jobs instead of building careers and resent the tedium and pressure that comes with a job such as the office stress and politics, commute etc. A chance to give that up for the life of a SAH mum is actually quite welcome by many of them and if they space their pregnancies right, they can effectively stop work from the years of, say 30 to 45, if they had 3 children.

ImJessie that is how we work it, DH works and I take care of everything else. I also do his company admin, so I am technically employed, but it's all done at home around my other responsibilities

Eeny, I do think you are getting a rough deal and in your shoes I too would be massively pissed off. You'd be better of as a single parent .

It is hard to generalise because everyone's life is different. I didn't sah to benefit dh. However he has gained by it, so if I did rtw, I'd want time and investment in my job so I could catch up. Luckily I am married to a man who would do that.

Maybe I have spent too much time on MN, but my perception is that this is a man v woman issue in many respects because it is still women doing most of the wifework, whether they work or not and there serm to be a lot of shit husbands out there who want to do very little at home.

I am sceptical about the OP's dw being as lazy as he claims, because he hasn't come back with any further info. I think dw doesn't exist he is a wind up merchant.

I only know of one case where this has happened and the divorce rate among the SAHMs I know is nowhere near the national average of 1 in 3. More like 1 in 50, I would say

I suspect your star is exaggerated, but I would think that if you're financially reliant on your partner and haven't worked for a long time and divorce would not leave you wealthy there could be a reticence to leave and divorce. More of a desire to forgive bad behaviour, affairs. Whereas if you work and are financially independent you are less likely to stay in a bad marriage.

And yes very often, the FT working woman is supposed to do the bulk of the housework and still work outside the home which is very unfair. I don't know what the solution to that is really

Tell your partner to pull their finger out!

This is what I don't understand - women complaining on MN about how men don't do enough housework, don't understand, sharing articles about their despair.

You can do something about it - talk to your partner! Or if you don't have one, pick a partner that won't take the piss! Teach your sons to split housework.

I appreciate it's harder if your partner wasn't brought up splitting chores, and expects everything handed to him, but you can still coach them a bit. Sharing articles on FB about feminism and how unfair everything is will not get men to change.

OP having read your post and fully considered it I would say YANBU

I think that these days the issues surrounding the role of a SAHM are very different from what we traditionally are conditioned to think reasonably form the role....

Let's start: Being a Mum, working or otherwise is of course never easy, but modern life and technology means we have shortcuts readily and freely available that just didn't exist in the 5o's for example...

We have washing machines, tumble dryers, women more often drive or have access to a car, microwaves, some nursery hours subsidised, online groceries can be delivered.....

This all means that the role of a SAHM or SAHD is therefore far easier and tasks able to be achieved quicker, so I would agree with you completely, yes your wife is most certainly taking the mickey.... How does she imagine that her gym sessions/haircuts etc are funded? Does she consider this an infinite source and right available to her?

Reading your post, it struck me that all the above and the general household running is something I and many other women manage to maintain around a FT job.... Yes there are weeks where it is a challenge, but that's where it is important DH steps in. It sounds to me as if you are doing more than your fair share of household stuff routinely
unnecessarily and funding this privilege.

You are quite rightly showing signs of resentment which is not a healthy element in any marriage, please speak to your wife and make your feelings and needs clear before it is too late.

Wishing you the very best.

Hang on Bluntness someone asked me what the admin actually entailed

Can I just point out that I didn't ask you personally? I am not sure if anyone else did, I may have missed it.

This was my post

Just out of interest what is all this admin people do? I was a SAHM to 5 for 17 years and I don't understand this admin people do that takes up more the five minutes at a time.

I didn't want anyone to think I was asking Navy personally for the list of what she does. I was skim reading on my break so didn't even notice who wrote what about admin before I posted.

In many of these threads people often list 'admin' to show how busy they are as a SAHM to school-aged children and I never understood it. I came to the conclusion that people often list it (in general, not just on this thread) because they often feel attacked for their choices, and rightfully so. I think most of us feel judged for our choices in a way that men never do. I wasn't trying to be condescending Navy but I apologise as it clearly came across that way and I know you personally are more than happy with your choices from reading your posts in the past.

These threads are crazy and usually gf starts then disappears.
Wohp asks what sahp does with their days.
Sahp says what they do during the day, wohp says well we do this too and work.
Then sahp gets slated as what they do isn't work, when they haven't said it is, they just answered the fuckin question.
Wohp get very snappy about what constitutes work and thus it continues.
When I was a sahm I did lots of things with my day, some things the same as wohm I know, some different things too.
I couldn't give a shit what wohm or sahm think about what I do with my life. Life is too short, enjoy it and stop being so bothered with what others choose to do.

Well said gillybeanz.

*Wishing you the very best?
Funny how he started this thread then pissed off.

Not like anyone would start a thread to cause trouble eh?*

Navy apologies I am unclear on the point you are trying to make here?

Yes I wish the OP the very best. What is wrong with that?

And why despite MNHQ stating they consider the OP genuine are you still troll-hunting?