Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

I was lucky enough to be a SAHM till my DC were teenagers. I loved it!
But I considered running the house as my job and did all the usual mundane and tricky tasks involved. It meant weekends and evenings were free for anything we'd like to do either individually or as a family.
Your wife is lazy

I agree. She sounds very lazy. Still haven't seen an explanation as to why the vast amount of household admin some sahms do can be fitted in quite easily by working parents.

Nor do they try to defend the role of SAH mum with hyperbole such as making out the a general household admin list requires the mental load of say running a department with 50 staff. Secure SAH mum's simply see it as a choice and accept the drawbacks with the benefits

That is it exactly.

Secure SAH mum's simply see it as a choice and accept the drawbacks with the benefits.
Absolutely.
None of my SAHP friends come out with the drivel I see on here. They've chosen to stay at home. It works for them and they love it.
Equally others work and it works for them.

No hyperbole etc needed.

In the interests of fairness, not everyone's job is mentally stressful. Could be, in lots of families that the wohp and sahp have similar levels of mental stress.

@fatdogs, I totally agree with everything you said on Page 16 BTW.

@gluteustothemaximum, your SIL sounds ridiculous.

3 things - fatdogs said that childcare is low-skilled work. Yes, I agree to some extent. Any mum can be a SAHM, after all, with no qualifications. However, I do think the value of this work (and teachers/police/nurses/public service staff too) is higher than a lot of jobs at "Big 4" or large banks, because -sorry to sound controversial- I don't think helping a massive corporation profit or helping a company pay less tax, is contributing much to society. Raising kids is.

I do agree to some extent about this: It perpetuates gender stereotypes and it irritates the hell out of me when I see colleagues in academia drop out or slow down their research output to do the mindnumbing repetitive routine of child caring and household "admin". - fair enough if that is your choice to give up a meaningful job, but why is it mostly women that do it?

I have nothing against SAHM of children under school age and really see value in what they do. I'm in awe because I would go stir crazy staying at home with kids for 4 years.

However, I do think once they're in school, that you simply can't be that busy. i.e. all the people reeling off basic admin saying it takes days. This is like when work isn't busy so I take 20 minute coffee breaks and an hour to write an email. What is the reason then for not getting a job? That you've "earned" your time off? Has your 9-5 commuting husband not earned that time either? The nails/gym/spa/coffee/gossip SAHPs with teenage kids are the ones that give SAHPs the bad name. Not the ones running after 3 toddlers.

I don't think that's misogyny, it's just after 22 pages I still fail to see what people with school-age kids do all day. A lot have said "my husband doesn't want me to be stressed! He wants me to enjoy myself!". That is anti-feminist. Taking a free ride off someone's hard work - why do you think you are entitled to free time and enjoying yourself when your partner doesn't get this luxury?

Lastly, the main reason a lot of people are iffy about the SAHP option in general, is the lack of financial independence. I'd be very worried to give up my career; what if DP died or got a "younger model"? These things happen. I don't want to be left to go to food banks, or to live off a divorce settlement and be known as that "nightmare ex" who took all his money.

It's tricky.

" . A lot have said "my husband doesn't want me to be stressed! He wants me to enjoy myself!".,"
In fairness I've only seen one person say that

I've seen 2 saying their husband wants them to not be stressed and enjoy free time and one saying her husband didn't mind her not working for 25 years.

I doubt you'd see many women saying that to their husbands.

Fat dogs - surely the answer is to change the value system rather than to denigrate people's choices in light of it.

As others have noted a CEO may make more money but I seriously question that they have more value than a SAHM. By that measure a CEO is also more valuable than a doctor or nurse and I seriously question that.

I work FT because as does my husband and that is our choice for our family. But we would certainly have a different kind of family life if one of us were at home. I see the really amazing job some of my SAHM friends do of raising their children at home and the idea this low value childcare is just

That said of course you must have lots of time on your hands if you have two children at school.

I've seen no recognition from the little cluster who are belittling SAHMs that every family is individual and all children have different needs. You simply can't make sweeping statements about what all SAHMs of school aged children should be able to do.

To be honest, if a husband and wife BOTH choose and agree that someone can stay at home then good for them. For most people the SAHP does most of the house stuff.

If BOTH parties are happy for the at home person to have a me time lifestyle then that suits them. I find it bizarre though and the cliques of said me time lunching ladies do my head in.

What the problem is on this thread is where one partner wants the me time lifestyle and the other isn't happy about that arrangement. As a result, the home person needs to step it up at home or go back to work. To carry on the current time arrangement will only breed resentment, as we saw from the OP.

Really the central issue in this thread is the way the wife in this situation is fundamentally unwilling to discuss the arrangement because she deserves her me time. That's not a partnership where both have agreed a living situation that is right for them. It's somebody taking the piss and the other feeling resentful.

I work full-time and have 3 under 10. I took 4 days off one week in the school term. I did all house work chores, family organising, cooking etc etc in this time. Dh just helped with bedtime routine and packing dishwasher everything else was done.

Seriously, it was like being on fucking holiday. A piece of cake compared to working all day and then sharing all chores and duties with dh in the evening and weekends.

Ops wife is very lazy or completely incompetent at running a home. Or both.

If BOTH parties are happy for the at home person to have a me time lifestyle then that suits them. I find it bizarre though and the cliques of said me time lunching ladies do my head in.

Yes. It just tends to be the woman with the "me time" lifestyle.

I'll eat my hat when we see men take 9 months of paternity leave, quit their job for years then spend lunchtimes sitting in beer gardens getting beard trims and gossiping at the school gates about the FA cup final and "did you see Bob's new car, I want my wife to get me one!".

ssd

I feel i should point out that my comment was intended to show that the mums coming early to school to gossip are unlikely to be sahm

I still fail to see what people with school-age kids do all day.
My kids are both in school, during that time I clean and tidy, collect them from school, come home cook dinner, do reading books, homework etc, and when my OH gets in from work, I leave for work.

I'm a sahm to my son who is 5 and in school . I do everything around the house and would never expect dh to do cleaning / cooking or shopping . We are a team , he earns good money and I deal with the kids . We are both happy with this arrangement . I may go back to work , I may not but it works well for us as it is . I think if are working you shouldn't do anything else to be honest .

It's not about how much one earns but it's about doing work that generates economic value. It doesn't mean that the work of a CEO is more valuable than a nurse or a police officer simply because the CEO earns more. House work does not generate economic value. If I wash my bathroom, I benefit but it does not put anything towards the economy. If I hire someone to wash my bathroom, now a price is put on that activity, economic value is generated.i pay the cleaner and she then goes out in turn to purchase goods and services with it. SAH mum's only benefit their families but generate nothing of economic value to society.

Now you may argue that you cannot put an economic price on a parent looking after a child with love and I absolutely agree. But working patents also love their children an equal amount and still perform work of economic value. Things like signing report carda and returning permission slips and general house upkeep are things all adults have to do and does not require one person to completely retire from employment to perform them.

I asked my boss if I could have a few hours off in the middle of every day for some 'me' time. They told me to fuck right off.

I'm not sure why people have to validate all they do so much. As a SAHM with school age children it would usually mean getting the kids up, breakfast etc and to school, doing some housework at home, shopping, cleaning etc and then back to school, dinner, homework etc, at least working 7am- 10am and then 3-8pm which is 8 hrs, most 9-5 jobs would be similar, Even with up to 6 hrs free during the day most people in full time work would have that free after and before work. Why does it make the difference that is is in the middle of the day rather than in the evening?

imjessie
Like many other posters who haven't resorted to hyperbole, you're very measured and sensible.

You stay at home, look after the kids and house. He works. Your arrangements to suits you.

I just don't get the whole needing hours for 'admin' thing.
Our bills are all direct debits or things that take 10 mins a month online banking.
If insurance is due it takes half hour once a year to find cheaper quotes and sort out.

Filling in a bloody school permission slip takes minutes.

at least working 7am- 10am and then 3-8pm which is 8 hrs, most 9-5 jobs would be similar,

I think the divide here is that FT working families don't see the hours spent looking after their kids as "work", but just "life".

Wouldn't they do shopping and admin that sahms do during the day?

Last week my DC needed a school permission form signed. I had to pull a sickie from work because it took me a whole day to read, understand and write my name at the bottom of it. Then I pulled a duvet day to recover from all the exertion.

I'm torn, because I see looking after your own kids as "life", but you'd have to pay someone else to do it.

Just like making myself a cup of coffee isn't work, but I'd have to pay for a cup of coffee from Costa.