Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

And no

Before anyone says anything

I dont mean that anyone who disagrees is being rude

Most people have been debating quite happily, there has just been the odd one

I have a friend that has the odd dig at my house, or husband or car etc...and that can be funny but not when its time after time after time. I think that sometimes happens on threads

When one or two people say something its fine....but not when it keeps happening. A risk you take on here i guess

what works for one family doesnt another
I don't understand why we all can't understand that and instead rip into each other that someone else is "wrong".

I don't get it either. But if everyone felt like this aibu would be a lot less entertaining

Maisypops

My DH often works out of a cafe, hogging a table all day with only 5mm of coffee left in his cup at times, speaking loudly on the phone.

Does this annoy you too or is it just SAHPs that aren't allowed to hog tables?

I think there's so much bitching and being snippy and rude to each others choices on this thread is because unless you've actually been there, you haven't a clue what it's like to work full time with kids/stay at home full time/be a single parent/lose your job and have no choice etc etc

a comment someone wrote ( I posted below) about women who go to the school gates early and stand and gossip was sort of made laughingly, like all these women do is don't work and gossip all day long....

I see it differently, I see someone at home all day with only the tv or mn for company, wishing they had someone to meet and chat to but everyone is busy working/seeing their mums/etc....so they go to the school gates a bit early hoping for a chat, even about banal crap, just to interact with another adult until dh is home at 8 and the kids are in bed....It's lonely being at home all day sometimes.

not sad at all, not worth the withering put down implied, just a situation that's needing understood, not sneered at

"YoloSwaggins Fri 26-May-17 22:51:57
Also Maisypops, your coffee thing made me chuckle. A lady at work complains of the same thing. She says loads of mums turn up to the school gates half an hour early just to gossip.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer Fri 26-May-17 22:56:40
she says loads of mums turn up to the school gates half an hour early just to gossip

They will be the working mums surely?

The sahm ones will have plenty of time to gossip after the children have gone in"

jesus star, I bet the staff love him.

I haven't seen anyone bash WOHMs on this thread. Only SAHMs have been attacked, and quite personally too.

StarTravels
I've already said that would annoy me too so I don't get the question.

I don't like it when people are selfish and sit hogging tables. I also don't like it when people show little consideration for others by being loud in their chat either.

Which means loud mummy groups, people using cafes as their own personal office, students using it as a common room etc annoy me

Sure have a chat, do a spot of work but don't be loud and don't take the piss.
If people are inconsiderate then I think they are an arse.

yes its the being loud on phones that is the most annoying thing ever

Maisypops

The cafe don't mind. They are getting all day custom. Go find a different cafe like anyone would have to if all the tables are taken

I never thought I'd ever want to be a SAHM but over the last 6-7 weeks of me being at home full time has made me see just how easier and smoother life can be with one parent always at home

Writer I can totally relate to your whole post. We have 3 dc, 9, 7 and two weeks. I left work at 38 weeks pregnant - and even despite being huge, swollen and knackered, that two weeks was so easy with one of us being home and available at all times - even if all I did was prep dinner during the day, it's a world easier having all day to do it rather than twenty minutes at 5.30pm with two kids moaning that they're starving and how long will it be

Granted, the organisation has gone a bit to shit the last two weeks with a newborn...but we're slowly getting into a routine and I have no desire to go back to work at all (although will unfortunately have to next year).

Op is not happy with the current situation.
The point for me is that his DW is in a fortunate position as she doesn't need to work - he earns enough for the family finances.
Plenty of families I know had no choice in the matter, they both needed to earn money.
Beyond that, each to their own.
But I always remember when I worked in London that a good number of the men I worked with there were less than happy about what they saw as their long and tiring working days and the lifestyles they thought their stay at home wives enjoyed.

star, how do you know they don't mind? I work in a cafe and there's nothing more annoying than one customer sitting at an empty cup and speaking loudly into a mobile, trust me they will mind all right.

Figuring you have a good point. One of my husbands friends wives is a sahm. I called round after work to drop something off, asked if she'd had a good day she said she'd spent most of it reading. The house was a tip, piles of ironing and stuff everywhere. Her husband told mine that when he comes in late from working rather than dinner keeping warm in the oven he has to make himself something. She has two kids at secondary, no job - I don't know what she does all day!

We both work full time and share most chores except cooking which I do. My husband does all school runs etc. Surely if you are a sahm and the other party works it's your job to keep the home tidy, clean, provide food etc. Keeping house Does sound a bit 1950's but then you've chosen to be a sahm isn't that what it entails?

StarTravels
We had one in a town where I used to live actively move people on because their upstairs was being used as an office by people and as a common room for uni students. It meant those of us wanting to have lunch couldn't so the cafe was actually losing business because people knew they'd never get sat down at certain times.

They are not getting all day custom from one person who sits and stretches one cup of coffee out for over 2 hours. The fact you actually feel that they're doing yhe cafe a favour means your DH probably IS the type of cafe user who does people's heads in.

I work in a cafe and there's nothing more annoying than one customer sitting at an empty cup and speaking loudly into a mobile, trust me they will mind all right.
Exactly.
Why people can't enjoy their coffee and do a spot of quiet work before moving on in a reasonable time frame is beyond me.

I had one old lady make a whispered complaint that one young lad was "stealing the wifi" when he'd sat at a table too long not buying anything else!

@navyandwhite I do seeth at the SAHM and not secretly either. As you can see I am fairly open about my disdain and when discussibg the option with friends and family who are thinking about making that choice I hold nothing back. However, you are wrong to say we seeth becuase of jealousy. I seeth becuase i think itbis an insult to what women have been fightingbfor for so long. It perpetuates gender stereotypes and it irritates the hell out of me when I see colleagues in academia drop out or slow down their research output to do the mindnumbing repetitive routine of child caring and household "admin". Such a waste of education and creativity and potential knowledge. It makes me seeth to see formerly bright interested and engaged women unable to discuss much outside their stresses with children and managing and negotiating a home life with their husband. Women who feel guilty about buying expensive make up and skin care in space NO becuase now they are no longer earning and even if hubby isn't controlling with the money, they feel conscious about splurging on expensive luxuries.
I am certainly not jealous about a woman or man as the case may be, choice yo give up their financial independence and security. I may feel a moment of jealously while waking up in the cold in mid December to go to work and not getting home till past 8pm and when struggling with research demands. Those times insist I could be a kept woman with nothing more than the weekly shop to tackle in the day. But overall, NO, no jealousy as I have my financial independence and security.

Not everyone has a choice to stay at home. How horrible to belittle those who are doing the best they can for their families.

Fat dogs I disagree with lots of your post but I also just wanted to mention that the word is 'seethe'.

Whoops 😶

Sorry I know pedantry is bloody irritating. I irritate myself. I'm sure I make my fair share of these errors too, annoying someone else.

I was lucky enough to be a SAHM till my DC were teenagers. I loved it!
But I considered running the house as my job and did all the usual mundane and tricky tasks involved. It meant weekends and evenings were free for anything we'd like to do either individually or as a family.
Your wife is lazy.

Fatdogs, I can honestly say that I feel no guilt at buying myself expensive luxuries ( when funds allow)
Seriously, I see the money as ours. Dh would have earnt a lot less had he not been free to do whatever it takes to climb the career ladder.
Now, I do agree that the default shouldn't be that the woman sah amd certainly no woman with a career she loves, should feel forced into sah if that isn't what she wants.

I do take issue with the notion that sahp have nothing to talk about apart from house stuff. Having a job does not render a person automatically interesting! I have had some very dull conversations with ft workers over the years - not everybody's job is fascinating!
Some people are widely read, aware of current affairs, have interesting hobbies and some don't. Their jobs have little to do with it imo.

And for the record, education is never wasted. It doesn't matter if you use it to generate money or not - it is valuable just because it enriches people. Many sahp use it to help their own kids. I would think that the children of well educated parents have better outcomes in life.

I was lucky enough to be a SAHM till my DC were teenagers. I loved it!
But I considered running the house as my job and did all the usual mundane and tricky tasks involved. It meant weekends and evenings were free for anything we'd like to do either individually or as a family.

You sound sensible and like you have your head screwed on like most sensible SAHM.

You've made a choice, really happy with it and don't feel the need to tell the world making pack ups takes all day.

You remind me a lot of my SAHM friends. I'm so glad most SAHP I've met are like you.

fatdogs - I think many women, myself included, have gone through the "seething" process you describe but then they come out the other side. Ultimately, people have to be honest about what motivates them. In my case, the world of academia etc seemed like a hollow pretence of a life once children came along. I can rationalise myself out if anything, but I can't deny how I instinctively feel. I was fortunate to be in a relationship where I could follow through on my instinct to be with my children and to have a DH who values this. If financial circumstances had been different, then we would have worked with it obviously. Not everyone has choice, but feminism should not be about value judgements and playing into the hands of capitalism.

I am not saying you should feel guilt @avoidingcallesthenics. I am simply speaking from mybexpetiemce. As I said previously, if being a SAH parent works for you and you are secure in that choice, good on you. I notice the women on here who are secure do not feel the need to put down the posters who disagree as being nasty. Nor do they try to defend the role of SAH mum with hyperbole such as making out the a general household admin list requires the mental load of say running a department with 50 staff. Secure SAH mum's simply see it as a choice and accept the drawbacks with the benefits.