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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 08:45

MissBax do you know what Muva's physical and mental health is like?

MissBax · 27/05/2017 08:47

Stitch - I would assume that Muva would have mentioned if having a PHYSICAL OR MENTAL DISABILITY was preventing her from doing more. On MN posts we can only go off what's been said - why is it OK to assume the OPs wife does more than he suggests? But not okay to assume that Muva is able bodied?! Hmmm...

Mermaidinthesea123 · 27/05/2017 08:47

I'd love to believe in a world where a woman could happily be a SAHM and the whole family benefits which they inevitably do especially children but unfortunately I think most men are shitlords who can't keep it in their pants and don't understand what committment means.
Just as well as it happens, if I'd relied on men I'd be on skid row right now.
Also most men in my view have no respect for older, post menopausal women. It's all fine as long as you are young.

MissBax · 27/05/2017 08:48

"most men in my view have no respect for older, post menopausal women. It's all fine as long as you are young" - wow.

KeepingitReal2 · 27/05/2017 08:50

Everyone keeps saying that yes SAHM should get her time back that she has lost whilst the man has built his career but I'm not sure this is such a common situation in the U.K. assuming you all have husbands who earn loads of money facilitating this

I guess it depends on how much the husband earns but as the average salary in the UK is 27K I can't imagine there are so many people in this luxury situation? Except in the world of MN

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 08:50

MissBax - I would hazard a guess that the reason Muva and her husband hire a cleaner, etc is because they can afford to do so.
Perhaps you would be happier to hear she was washing everything by hand and pulling it through a mangle.

daisypond · 27/05/2017 08:51

When my DC were small (I had three under five) I worked three days a week. I had a childminder but didn't have a cleaner. I worked from home (for a company), and that made a big difference. I was keen to hold on to my job and didn't want to keep myself out of the job market. I did know some SAHPs, but they tended to have a partner who had a well-paid job, or they'd been able to earn enough money themselves to have substantial savings they could live off. By the time my youngest was in secondary school I was back at work in an office, with a substantial commute, five days a week. I would like more time to myself, no question about it. Fitting in the household jobs around everything else is a drain, but lots of people have to do it, and I'm one of them.

JoshLymanJr · 27/05/2017 08:51

but unfortunately I think most men are shitlords who can't keep it in their pants and don't understand what committment means.
Just as well as it happens, if I'd relied on men I'd be on skid row right now.
Also most men in my view have no respect for older, post menopausal women. It's all fine as long as you are young.

Just when you thought things couldn't get any more fucking stupid, someone surprises you...

KeepingitReal2 · 27/05/2017 08:53

If it is more common can someone please tell me where I can meet a man to enable me like this!

MissBax · 27/05/2017 08:53

"Perhaps you would be happier to hear she was washing everything by hand and pulling it through a mangle."

Yes, of course. That's EXACTLY what I was thinking.... 😑

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 08:54

All Muva said is that she finds stuff tiring and buys in help with her husband's support. You name called and questioned her worth based on that info alone. She might not have any health problems, I was just raising it as a possibility. But even if she did she shouldn't have to disclose them to you just to justify herself and avoid your rudeness.

plaintomatopasta · 27/05/2017 08:55

@Figaro2017 I know right. It's so rough being a parent and finding the time to argue on mumsnet! I had to take a break this morning because my child wanted me to make him some breakfast! BREAKFAST!

Writerwannabe83 · 27/05/2017 08:57

Being a SAHP must be lovely in some ways.

Me and DH work full time with me working 37.5hrs over three days and although it's lovely having four days off with DS I am absolutely shattered on them. In terms of housework jobs the most I manage is to wash up and put a load of washing on and try to entertain DS whilst my eyes are half closed. Aside from that not much else gets done on my days off and I just feel tired from my shift patterns and full of dread about all the household jobs that are piling up around us.

I'm currently pregnant and signed off sick and being at home every day has made life so much more enjoyable. I'm no longer shattered every day or stressed from working long hours. I now wake up and look forward to taking my son out somewhere each day, I am able to pace out doing household jobs like the hoovering, dusting, cleaning the kitchen floor etc and I've managed to make a start on lots of little household tasks that have sat undone for months because me and DH just haven't had the time or energy to deal with them. My bathrooms have never been cleaner and I've even found time to clean out the fridge and kitchen cupboards! It's lovely! I'm able to start dinner every evening in a calm and enjoyable way instead of me and DH rushing around looking for quick options when we are just in from work.

Two days of the week my DS goes to a childminder (on the days I'd normally work) and although I do get some housework jobs done I also use it as my downtime to just have some quiet and relaxing time to myself.

Life with me being at home is just calmer, more restful and far less stressful and enjoyable for all of us. Everywhere is tidy and organised, my quality time with DS is better spent and DH knows that he's coming home to a house that runs smoothly instead of us both having to come home from work and grimace about the things that need doing and then trying to find the time and motivation to do them.

I have a professional job, which I absolutely love, but when I compare how our family life was when I was still at work to how it is now, I know I prefer our life now.

I never thought I'd ever want to be a SAHM but over the last 6-7 weeks of me being at home full time has made me see just how easier and smoother life can be with one parent always at home.

plaintomatopasta · 27/05/2017 09:00

My DH said I need to stay off social media because I become too invested... might have to start texting under the table like my kids at school do before getting their phone put in the naughty drawer!

SoupDragon · 27/05/2017 09:04

Some of you guys can't be that busy as SAHM's as you've spent two days on MN arguing about how much you do!

Two days? It hasn't even been one.

ThatsNotMyMummy · 27/05/2017 09:08

what works for one family doesnt another
I don't understand why we all can't understand that and instead rip into each other that someone else is "wrong".

AvoidingCallenetics · 27/05/2017 09:10

KeepingitReal2, I met my dh when we were both young and skint. Initially I was the one with a job, while he did unpaid work to build his CV. As his earnings increased and we had dc, I sah. We both wanted our babies to be looked after by a parent, his career had the potential to pay well, mine less so (public sector, so no scope for huge pay increases).
Dh has been able to do well because as a family we could move abroad to support his career when necessary, he was free to travel abroad, not have to be home by 5.30 to collect kids etc. He has said it was much easier for him mentally, knowing the kids were all okay and with me and not having to give much mental space to how all that happened. So to answer your question, that's how I ended up being a sahp with a husband who values what I bring to the family and who is happy to continue this way of life.
I do get more free time than him, but he doesn't resent it, it's just the way our particular tasks worked out . I think few couples have the same amount of time off unless they have the same jobs.

MuvaWifey77 · 27/05/2017 09:13

I don't even know how to reply to "entitled princess" I don't think I have a bad attitude... that's for sure, Specially as I have the most amazing husband who worked his entire life and is now at position to allow me to have the life I have, I have now just gotten pregnant ... and blissfully happy with being able to plan every step of our lives. My husband knows a happy wife is a happy life, he doesn't have to plan anything , he always likes everything I do for him , I'm a thoughtful , caring and loving wife and mother. I can see how that might bother others. He calls me Queen of fucking everything so not princess at all lol

StealthPolarBear · 27/05/2017 09:15

"Today 08:43 Figaro2017

Some of you guys can't be that busy as SAHM's as you've spent two days on MN arguing about how much you do!"
Very true but so have a lot of wohps :)

MuvaWifey77 · 27/05/2017 09:16

I also gave up my work due to a plane accident accident 2 years ago... I don't see myself doing anything else other than what I used to do , I'm perfectly healthy now,but the fear lf losing my family and my life has taken away all the desire of being a stunt ever again.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/05/2017 09:25

muva

Some people are just rude , try and ignore them Thanks

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 27/05/2017 09:25

Same with you navy Thanks

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 09:27

Glad you are in good health now Muva, and congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

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