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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/05/2017 08:08

I have good friends who were SAHMs who were dumped at menopause for a younger model, have no pension (one of them gets just £50 a week as she didn't make any contributions), no career, no nothing.

I think this is an issue. But as long as women are aware of it then it's their choice to live for the moment really and everyone's different. I wouldn't be comfortable personally but shrugs it isn't up to me to make financial decisions for others. Bit like I don't understand why people spend ££££ on cars but it's their money/ life isn't it? It worries me also the attitude of 'saving little woman from making crap life decisions'

Westray · 27/05/2017 08:08

mermaid but sometimes a leap of faith is what propels us forward.

I am in my 50s, I haven't worked outside the home for almost 20 years.

Giving up my career to be a SAHM has been a life changer for me.
Life is full of opportunities if you keep your blinkers off.

Westray · 27/05/2017 08:09

It worries me also the attitude of 'saving little woman from making crap life decisions'

Exactly.

Very condescending.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2017 08:18

Navy, yes agree I'm not sure you were saying it was really hard work.

I also agree with the poster who said do what works for you and your family, who gives a shit really. If you're all happy that's all that matters

But the op isn't happy. That's the point. He thinks she's taking the piss and I suspect she is based on what he has posted. If a woman had posted there would have been outrage and a unanimous LTB. society still thinks it's more acceptable for a woman not to work than a man, but As only ten percent of women are stay at home mums, it's possible it's starting to be stigmatised for women too once this kids are at school.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuvaWifey77 · 27/05/2017 08:22

Thank God my DH isn't like you OP, I have a 6years old. DH doesn't expect me to work anymore , I don't want to be working anymore, it's tiring enough getting house kids, dogs , I make my husband and child dinner , we still have a cleaner and get clothes ironed .
Maybe you just need to pay someone to get kids from school, make your meals, put up with your attitude ... and then she can get a job .

SunnySomer · 27/05/2017 08:25

This is all deeply sensitive for me at the moment as I'm trying and failing to get a job after 10 years at home.
I fully agree with Westray's advantages to being at home - DH is regularly away for multiple nights with work and really cannot be relied on to be home before 7.30 if he's around, and the parenting and running the home still needs to happen.
I fully sympathise with the OP - the situation as he's described it sounds unreasonable and untenable. I have come across plenty of SAHMs whose lives function like this and both parties appear happy. But as soon as both parties aren't happy, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation - not a row, or a whinge, but a conversation about what's not working, why and how you would ideally like things to work. And how you can help it happen. It is really scary making changes, but just announcing divorce, or withdrawing all funding or whatever PPs have suggested, without some preamble isn't really how a decent relationship should work.

MissBax · 27/05/2017 08:26

Muva - aren't you just the entitled little princess eh?
Is it one child you have? Plus a cleaner and ironer? You make your family's dinner (3 people), and what else do you do all day??

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 08:28

Exactly plaintomatopasta. There does seem to be an implication on these threads that SAHMs are forcing their partners into working whilst they make the choice unilaterally to be at home. Even the OP acknowledges that their choice for his wife to be at home was a joint one until a few months ago.

My partner works nights in a job he enjoys where his colleagues are his friends. He will come home shortly and go to bed for the day. I've had 3 hours sleep due to DC with SN currently not sleeping despite their medication. I will now look after both them and a toddler all day. Damn right he's grateful to me!

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 08:28

The SAHMs I know are ex- accountants and solicitors, among other things. They know the score and are far from naive. Their family incomes are usually higher as a result of their decision to be at home, often dramatically so. I also think the notion that wealthy men will necessarily run off with a younger woman is exaggerated. I only know of one case where this has happened and the divorce rate among the SAHMs I know is nowhere near the national average of 1 in 3. More like 1 in 50, I would say.

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 08:29

That's the thing @navyandwhite you will have more free hours during the day (in term time not when the kids are at home!) than I, but you have the flexibility. It's nigh on impossible I reckon to find a job that's school hours and term time only. Plus if the kids are sick or whatever your dp doesn't need to worry about time off.
It's silly when people say "wohm do the same as sahm" because they just don't, in terms of hours with the kids if nothing else. There's probably some sahp who just plonk their kids in front of the tv when they get home from school, but the bulk are, I suspect, doing enriching stuff with them, and also pick up admin,washing etc during the day so evenings and weekends can be more family time.
It's not about what's "best", as these threads always seem to go,?ultimately most of us, whether wohp or sahp are doing the best we can, and getting little thanks for it, and as women we should acknowledge rhe other'S contribution in different ways and not try and tear it down

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/05/2017 08:30

I doubt very much women in coffee shops sit complaining how tough their life is.

But life is tough for most people whether they work or not. Health problems, DC with special needs, Bereavement, money problems (so they can actually only afford 1 coffee anyway), worries about parents. When some woman is venting in a coffee shop you can't assume she is a precious little snowflake until you've walked a mile in her shoes.

If your life is lovely and fulfilled and doesn't include any of the above you are bloody lucky.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBax · 27/05/2017 08:33

Well when she's saying "thank God my DH isn't like you" I think people have a right to judge. The OP has hadn't beeb unreasonable to want his SAHW to start working again. If I was the breadwinner and my OH did nothing all day except his own hobbies and pleasures I'd be expecting change too.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBax · 27/05/2017 08:38

Erm, if we have "no right to judge" then what's with the "thankgod my DH isn't like you" comments?! Pretty judgey (although more passive aggressive) if you ask me.

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 08:38

Muva is just appreciating that her DH has a different outlook to the OP. She didn't resort to name calling or questioning his worth like you did to her.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBax · 27/05/2017 08:39

"thank God my DH isn't like you" - what? Wanting a bit more balance in the household? God forbid...

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 08:40

MissBax

Oh dear god. Who do you think you are?

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/05/2017 08:43

Wanting a bit more balance in the household?

We don't know this at all because he didn't come back to answer basic questions like 'are you going to do half of the drop offs and pick ups?'

The alternative of woman working and organising everything, having sole responsibility for DC isn't balance even if she only works school hours.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBax · 27/05/2017 08:43

How is finding someone an entitled princess for saying they are tired enough looking after a dog and cooking dinner that much of a shock?! Sorry, maybe I have come from a very different planet to you all but all the women I know are hard working and would never expect their husbands to carry them. Any SAHM I know work damn hard to keep the house right and would definitely seem like snowflakes to have a cleaner and ironer when their child is at school.

Figaro2017 · 27/05/2017 08:43

Some of you guys can't be that busy as SAHM's as you've spent two days on MN arguing about how much you do!

Grin
AvoidingCallenetics · 27/05/2017 08:45

And hopefully MissBax you'd be fully prepared to support your dh in establishing a career, so he isn't permanently disadvanted by having sah to look after your joint children. And you would be happy to take time off to cover child sickness and half the school holidays and those days when the school wants parents to go in for assembly and school trips. You will be willing to do 50% of all the housework/gardening/ferrying kids to clubs/planning/school runs. Or will make the arrangements to cover your share. That being the case, crack on.
I call bullshit that the OP's wife does nothing all day. She probably does a million little things that make his life run more smoothly that he won't notice until they stop happening.