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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 07:37

Trifle - yes exactly.

SoupDragon · 27/05/2017 07:38

It's because some people are misogynistic. They want to see women running around, knackered, guilty and preferably pregnant. Nothing short of this will do, or the woman is clearly guilty of something

But this is other women doing it! What chance do we have when women are being bitchy about other women's life choices?

nelipotter · 27/05/2017 07:41

I don't think she should have been given equal access to all monies during the stay at home time in the first place. Sufficient for house keeping, kids expenses and spends but not equal access at her discretion. I would certainly revoke that now. fatdogs Fri 26-May-17 14:50:45

THIS is why people are angry at this post. Cause of this kind of entitled bullshit.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nelipotter · 27/05/2017 07:42

But this is other women doing it! What chance do we have when women are being bitchy about other women's life choices?

It's still misogyny, even if women are doing it.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1487175389 · 27/05/2017 07:46

Do you even like your wife, OP? Maybe a divorce is the best option, although I expect you're worried that'llcost you. What's keeping you together?

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/05/2017 07:46

But this is other women doing it! What chance do we have when women are being bitchy about other women's life choices?

^^this

And the answer is no chance at all. And for some reason motherhood brings it out. Judgement against women by women for every aspect from the moment you get pregnant.

Assumption that you will work PT for ever more (because that's dead easy when you are trying to do a FT job 🙄); snide remarks about discretion when BFing or snide remarks about how you should BF you choose; recently an utterly ridiculous thread judging how people wean; WOHM or SAHM both wrong for different reasons.

Right now a woman's place is in the wrong whereas blokes are congratulated on pretty much anything they do. And we wonder why there is misogyny in our society.

AvoidingCallenetics · 27/05/2017 07:47

I once worked out that if dh and I both worked and earned his salary between us, we would pay less tax and be entitled to child benefit. So I figure I am contributing economically to society in a weird, roundabout way because the country saves money by me not working.

When I did work ft, I didn't employ anyone so my money wasn't helping the economy in that sense.
Of course, if I worked now and dh had his current job, we would both be paying more in tax. But we would both have a lot more pressure at home. Dh's hours make it impossible to do 50% of everything in a true fair division of labour, so I know I'd end up doing more. I don't see why I should make all our lives harder because some people consider my time could be better spent!
I think what I contribute to my family is valuable. The kids like coming home to a parent who is here, who can do school trips, help them with homework, has time to take them to after school activities. Dh is free to work as he needs without having to consider childcare. It works for us. We saw what needed doing and divvied up the jobs according to preference and who had the most earning potential.
Okay, it's not contributing to society what a brain surgeon does, but most people aren't brain surgeons. Most people have normal jobs that they do because they need the money or careers that they do because they love their work and it adds value to their lives. Lets not pretend that this makes them or what they do, inherently more valuable. They are simply doing what suits them/their family. Same for a sahp.

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 07:47

NavyandWhite

Underestimating the time things take and pretending that each small task is the only thing that needs doing - two of the ways so-called 'women's work' is devalued.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 07:49

It is very sad that some women are so insecure that they not only put Navy under pressure to justify what she does day-to-day by way if a list - they then take great delight in mocking the individual details on that list.

Sickening behaviour.

No we are not all out saving the world. How would the daily task list of a regular office worker read? I'm sure we could pull that apart but fortunately we're not that pathetic.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2017 07:50

I don't think it is mysogny. I think if it were men not working with kids at school the responses would be worse, they would indeed be called cock lodgers and told to get a job..

Either parent there is value for pre school. I think the disparity comes in when the kids are at school, and then as they get older. Being a stay at home parent to kids in secondary school really isn't valued by society no and I doubt it ever will be.

I think when your kids ar older and you don't work fair enough, it's a choice uou make, the issue comes in when people try to justify it as being really hard valuable work and the lists like acknowledging school report or getting the dinner money don't really help support it.

It doesn't matter if your male or female I think the views would the same and worse for the men if they chose not to work and live off their wives and their kids were at school.

thelikelylass · 27/05/2017 07:51

Don't think you can win tbh as a woman! However...I have always worked full time, commute, kids, single mum no family close by and done all the housework and school stuff. I just did it without thinking. I still have some great mum mates (but my greatest friends are my work colleagues) I met at school gates but there was a woman who always made digs at me. Was my home untidy (no it's bloody lovely!), didn't I feel guilty etc.
Now many years on, I am about to go part-time as selling my property to free up cash, downsize, dish out money to kids, and buy a holiday place. I worked very hard. I'm in my 40's. We met the other day, she refused to go back to work (one child and she had a professional qualification) she and husband now divorced. She is living in a tiny flat post divorce, kid at dad's and she is working in a very low paid role. She still had a pop at me about working and commuting until I told her what I am about to do. She has no pension or savings. Even if the OP was putting cat amongst the pigeons, the reality is women should always try to ensure at some stage they can get work if their personal situation changes.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/05/2017 07:51

It is very sad that some women are so insecure that they not only put Navy under pressure to justify what she does day-to-day by way if a list - they then take great delight in mocking the individual details on that list.

Here we go again, blame it on the woman.

It's sad that we are in a society where women are criticised for anything they do, leading to them being insecure.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Westray · 27/05/2017 07:54

Being a stay at home parent to kids in secondary school really isn't valued by society no and I doubt it ever will be.

But we will be criticised no matter which set up we choose.

So we may as well do what is good for us and our families and get on with it.

Fuck 'em.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 27/05/2017 07:56

Not unreasonable at all. My work colleague has a similar wife, son at secondary school. He has a fairly decently paid but v stressful job. Wife stays at home all day he's expected to cooks his own tea when gets home seems to be constantly nagged to do diy etc. He's so pissed off as he works had but obviously earns a lot less than if the two of them both had a lot less stressful jobs. He's very very pissed off as she refuses to get a job feeling she's earned her life of Riley. I actually feel angry on his behalf! Your wife is taking the piss! I work 4days. During my 1 non working day I manage to do the washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping and go to the gym. Fuck knows what I would do with the other 4days if I didn't work

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/05/2017 07:56

I don't think it is mysogny. I think if it were men not working with kids at school the responses would be worse, they would indeed be called cock lodgers and told to get a job.

But that is misogyny. Men are expected to be good providers so some would criticise them for staying at home (even if they did the role well of SAHP). No one would ever criticise them for working. The same isn't true for women who are criticised either way. I am also not sure about men being criticised for taking on female roles, MIL always goes on about how wonderful DH is for cooking etc.

Westray · 27/05/2017 07:57

I like being here for my family.

I can jump up to the mark with no notice.

Oh comes in and says he is off to another city for three days with work- and leaving tonight. Fine.
DD went to the beach yesterday ( she has a cold) and didn't feel well by 2.30, can I come pick her up- totally fine.
Part of my function is facilitating others and absorbing stress for the family.

FanDabbyFloozy · 27/05/2017 07:59

OP - YANBU

Coffee/gym/hairdresser - great as a treat but not everyday.

It's time for a very honest conversation.

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 07:59

No we are not all out saving the world. How would the daily task list of a regular office worker read? I'm sure we could pull that apart but fortunately we're not that pathetic

Exactly. My DH works in the public sector and he writes spreadsheets for a living. It is skilled work and he is very well-qualified. But it isn't arduous. If he wants a coffee he goes for one. If he wants to chat to a colleague for a few minutes he does. No-one is tearing into him asking why it takes half an hour to compose an email.

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 08:00

MIL always goes on about how wonderful DH is for cooking etc.

Oh don't get me started!

Mermaidinthesea123 · 27/05/2017 08:01

From a womans point of view this worries me a bit.
I have good friends who were SAHMs who were dumped at menopause for a younger model, have no pension (one of them gets just £50 a week as she didn't make any contributions), no career, no nothing.
Oh sure they may have half the house but they are all without fail living in poverty now and have had to downsize a lot to release some money.
At least if you have a career, you have a pension, you will be able to carry on working if dumped and don't have to rely on your ex.
I am the only one out of this group with a nice house, a good career and a decent pension so it didn't matter that I was dumped for a younger model, at least I can still have nice holidays and treats and my old age is pretty much sorted.
Invariably if I go out for the day I have to pay for my friends or they wouldn't be able to come. What kind of life is that?
I have always known that it's a good idea to keep one eye on the future and what could happen.Nobody thinks about their life past 50 when they are young.

MaisyPops · 27/05/2017 08:07

Other than a few people who have been rude about people choosing to SAHP, most people have said repeatedly that people can choose to stay at home and do whatever they like and suits their family. Theres no need to justify that admin and packing swimming kits a full time job (taht always makes me laugh) but as quite a few people have said, they are a SAHM and run the kids and house and they get some me time as well. Thats totally fine.
The main thing is BOTH people in the partnership need to be happy with it.

lasegundapaloma
It depends. If you go for a coffee, enjoy your friends company and leave when you're finished then you're absolutely not one of 'those' ladies who annoy me.

If you sit in small cafes for hours nursing the last 5mm of your coffee whilst talking very loudly about how tough your life is then yes, you would be.

I'm completely with you on loud office chat in cafes too. It's obnoxious.(and if they do that annoying thing of hogging a table whilst nursing thr last 5mm of their drink so nobody else can get in then I view them the same way as lunching ladies).