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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 06:17

Oh sorry! You were addressing the poster! Blush

Westray · 27/05/2017 06:26

Why are we so critical of other's choices.
I gave up work 19 years ago to become a SAHM, my youngest is now 17 and I work 15 hours a week.
i go to the gym most days, I run an organised calm home, I grow herbs, cook from scratch, my family always has clean clothes, bills paid on time.
They value my support, I don't need to work more than 15 hours a week, it suits everyone.

plaintomatopasta · 27/05/2017 06:27

Ok so this has taken a turn (one I suspect the op wanted) towards saying a SAH parent has less worth.

I agree @fatdogs that it is a job that requires no qualifications and no need to even speak a language. It doesn't require a parent to even do anything at all if they don't want to. It does however have A LOT of value if it is done correctly. This value I believe is the same as someone who is in paid childcare roles. Let me explain my opinion and reasons for agreeing and disagreeing.

First though I will qualify it by explaining I am a teacher and see hundreds of kids come through schools from all walks of life, I have also been a SAHM and I have also started working part time again twice (most recently and when my DC had just turned one) so I see a lot of perspectives personally and professionally. All in all I took two years off work with a brief spell of four months in the middle part time that didn't work for us.

If you are a SAHP who does nothing except watch tv all day and never interacts with a child except put food in front of it you ARE simply doing a job that a monkey does. Yes you change their nappy and yes you provide milk/food (I'm spanning it across ages because it has differences) but that's your job done! This has very little value and you might as well be back at work and earning. A newborn will let you get away with this because they genuinely have days in the beginning where they eat-sleep-eat-poo-eat-sleep for days at a time and it's exhausting. If you are lazy like me that require boob and literal energy sapping; I expect even worse for bottle fed babies because that requires actual effort and making bottles, cleaning them, warming them and a whole loaf of faff (seriously ladies I take my hat off to you). But that's it. Also that phase doesn't last long in the big picture.

However if you remain this type of parent and you find yourself getting annoyed that a baby is disturbing your daytime to and getting in the way of you going out to see friends then this is the time to get your arse back to work because you're doing the SAHP thing wrong. This is about the time that people shout from the rooftops how hard being a SAHP is and how they have it worse than their working partner. Actually if it's that much hard work you are doing it wrong! It's easy. Sure you have literal shit storms to clean up, you get puked on a lot and the second you tidy something you turn around and it's messy again. But this is just the parenting stuff that you accept because you had a baby. I love it! It's rather like being a teacher actually because you have a general plan of what you want to do that day/lesson but then the mere aspect of introducing a child into the mix means it's more a loose version.

As a SAHP I made my role have value. My DH, who had previously lived alone, no longer HAD to clean the house unless he wanted to (we have a 2yo AND trying to sell the house so occasionally it's all hands on deck). My DH cannot tell you the last time he ironed an item of clothing or washed one. He cooks dinner occasionally and gets the kettle on but the general home jobs are done by me. This he appreciates and adds value to his life because it means when he's not at work he's not cleaning and cooking. Our son has benefitted from me being home because I have taught him to read, to write his name, his colours, his shapes, he has a wide vocabulary and is curious. We have been to music groups, sign language, swimming, football, yoga, art, playgroups, fitness classes and a million trips to the beach, park, woods and playground. He's got constant interaction and is always doing something. Now that he's 2 he needs less concentrated interaction from me and is playing and learning by himself sometimes so I am slowly going back to work and he has the occasional day with friends and family whilst I'm at school. Come new year he will be in pre-school full time and I will be in big school full time. Until the next baby and I will be the same. I have enriched his life and given him a good start. This has a value to him and to us.

However in January when DC does start pre-school that's when the pressures are off me more to be the one who stimulates him from 9-3. My DH and I will probably end up splitting chores more (when he WFH he can get the dinner on let's say) but I expect with the tornado out of the house for six hours a day the daily clean up will be less. In holidays I will once again assume my role as SAHP and SAHT (stay at home teacher). I am very very lucky that I was able to take this time off and I know that. I appreciate the fact I got that extra time with my fast growing baby and I love the beautiful person he has become. Who knows if he'd have been like that anyway but never the less I'm proud of my clever little boy and feel like I have contributed. I am also very very lucky that I have a career that means I get to spend 12-14 weeks a year with him because we are both off school. However I worked hard for that PGCE and the fact I wanted a family one day was one of the driving factors.

I do not think being a SAHP when your children are all in school is as much value as when they are home all day. There are part time jobs that for around school hours, especially when the youngest is old enough for after school activities or you have grandparents around. It still has value. When I briefly returned to work when my son was eight months old it was hard emotionally but even worse it was very difficult financially! We were paying out money for childcare that was only just covered by my wages (I was doing a different job then) and our child was unhappy at nursery. Plus as a bf baby he didn't take to a bottle and was very upset at my going away. Now he's 2 and a half nearly he understands that bf is only at night because mummy goes to school and he survives. (Yes Ive been told it's weird, yes I get hassle for it, but I'll decide when he's old enough).

So I stopped working, I started again, I stopped for a whole year I didn't really need to in theory. I see value to my role as a SAHM but I know that value has a time limit before it simply becomes questionable and a bit slack. If I could stay at home forever and afford to never work... sure I would. But it would be boring! I know when my son starts school in January I'll have a spotless house and nothing to do. I'll be one of those weird mums who stands outside the school fence waving and waiting! At least at work I keep out of trouble. Plus I teach Secondary and the tantrums I see from teenagers are identical to those of a toddler so it's like I never left!

Your wife can work part time, or start a business, she could at least make it so you never need to lift a finger in the spotless house that is organised and gleaming👍🏻😀

fatdogs · 27/05/2017 06:27

How is it anti feminist to state the truth? Caring and housework is low valued work. Maybe it shouldn't be but it is. To me, it is anti feminist for women to deliberately choose to take on a role which sees them devalued. I am not including women in developing and third world countries in this ad very often they have no choice in the matter. Strangely enough, women in the third world very often perform some kind of industry in addition to their caring duties. It is only women in the first world who have the luxury of opting to perform the ordinary household tasks all human being perform exclusively.
I find It entirely anti feminist in a world where women are still thought of as second rate contenders to any career, that educated women in the first world deliberwtely choose to give up their economic independence and take on a role which is devalued.
Women in the third world are not insulted by this . They are fully aware that the role of a carer is not respected outside of the gratitude from family members. They do not try to pretend that It is on par with being a CEO or a doctor. And they often work their assess off to encourage their daughters to strive for education, economic industry and financial independence.

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 06:44

fatdogs

You do realise that having the 'luxury' of not working until you drop is not a moral failing, don't you? Women in the third world may well combine paid work with unpaid work, but that is because they have to, not because it is an achievement to be emulated. Half of them will be running round after their children, husbands and in-laws in every moment when they are not earning a wage. Get a fucking grip.

plaintomatopasta · 27/05/2017 06:45

@stitchglitched my DH is happy being the one who goes to work and is pleased with our choice to have me as a SAHP till the time was right for all of us. September is that time and I was actually surprised at how excited I was when I got my job offer. He admits he wouldn't have done well if I'd been the higher earner and gone back to work.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 06:46

fatdogs - my DH is in banking and has a lot of economic value but he certainly doesn't see his role in life as more valuable than mine - or our cleaner's or anyone for that matter.
He does what he does because he is in a position to do so. I do what I do because I am in a position to do so.
I have 3 DC all school age and I happen to know they would not be doing many of the things they're doing now if I had gone back to work. DH knows this too. I don't need to justify anything.

PeanutButterBunny · 27/05/2017 07:04

I laughed reading the admin list NavyAndWhite put. Most take max ten minutes!

And I'm with you fatdogs, nothing wrong with SAHM but the secure ones who do it for the right reason and with agreement of their partners wouldn't be as hysterical as some of the posters here. And I'm from a third world country originally, most women I know work full time or with a business while performing all wifely duties such as cooking and cleaning. I said wifely duties because culturally men back there dont do these things so the women don't have a choice.

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 07:09

I said wifely duties because culturally men back there dont do these things so the women don't have a choice.

So are you saying women here should do that?

PeanutButterBunny · 27/05/2017 07:11

No I'm saying some women here whine too much over 'admin work' Grin

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 07:13

PeanutButterBunny

What do you mean, 'whine'?

PetalMettle · 27/05/2017 07:16

You see @westray that's where I can see sahp being good - getting all the day to day crap out of the way so you can enjoy your time together. Also very practical for school drop offs and holidays. But op'S partner isn't doing that

makeourfuture · 27/05/2017 07:17

Divide and conquer.

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 07:20

I'm also from a culture where more women SAH, but it's also a culture where family is everything and people (men and women) put more value on the role of the mother.

SoupDragon · 27/05/2017 07:22

So, the OP lobbed the SAHM bomb at 2pm yesterday and never came back? Just left people to fight amongst themselves.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 27/05/2017 07:24

fatdogs. Low value work? I think it depends who's eyes your looking through. My partner deeply values and appreciates how I hold all the different aspects of our lives together - the kids, the homework, the House/DIY, my small part time job. Just as I appreciate and value him.

SoupDragon · 27/05/2017 07:26

It's funny how it is OK to insult SAHMS but not WOHMs at all. Mention anything about " dumping your kids in childcare" and you're shot down I need an instant. Double standards.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohgoshIdontknow · 27/05/2017 07:28

Yanbu

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 07:31

SoupDragon

It's because some people are misogynistic. They want to see women running around, knackered, guilty and preferably pregnant. Nothing short of this will do, or the woman is clearly guilty of something.

Westray · 27/05/2017 07:31

squished- exactly.

I run the home. Weekends are for fun.
My OH helps out when he can, but I take care of most of the domestic crap so we can enjoy our time off.
We both contribute equally to the welfare of the family.

NavyandWhite · 27/05/2017 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitchQueen90 · 27/05/2017 07:32

Wonder if OP has read any of these comments! Grin

I'm a single parent and I work nights so I do all the daytime childcare as well. DS starts school in September and I'll definitely be using some of those school time hours to go out and grab a coffee or get my hair cut. Grin

The important thing is BOTH parties being happy with the situation and both valuing the work the other parent does. Frankly whatever works for you is whatever you should do and stuff what anyone else thinks.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 27/05/2017 07:34

I laughed reading the admin list NavyAndWhite put

Same here. 'Acknowledging school report' Grin was that a nod, a tick, a signature that took the whole day? That could be done in an hour and yet is beefed up to seem like rocket science. I'm a recent sahm btw, and I can say that I do have much more free/down time than my dh.