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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
lasegundapaloma · 26/05/2017 23:01

Maisy - I'm a SAHM and met a friend in a coffee shop this morning, as I do probably once a week. At what point does this make me "one of those silly women?"

All sorts of people talk about all sorts of things in coffee shops every day. When I hear people discussing office politics it can be truly cringeworthy to be quite honest, but I assume there is more to them than what they're saying at that moment in time.

At my DC's prep, most mums are SAH and most of them are educated and decent people.

greylove · 26/05/2017 23:03

Wow I wish I was A Stay at home parent just
I would love to spend all my time with my DD
Remind her that you had to provide financially and give up the that time with your children
And if she doesn't want to work then it's only fair she works at home doing the majority off house work etc
There are lots of women and men like me who have to do it all
I do all house work make all meals for DH DD pay bills sort out bottles make her meals from scratch get prescriptions appointments etc get the shopping and look after DD in the night when she won't sleep and look after her until 4 pm but is 10 months old I work 4:30-10 pm 5days a week
My mother looks after her 4 days for 3 hours while I work and then DH puts DD to bed
He is a Student retraining 4day a wk and takes bin out every day it's annoying I wish he would help out a bit more

workingmumsarebad · 26/05/2017 23:05

Sorry - she sounds entitled and lazy.

I am a single mum of 2, I work 4 days per week in work and one at home doing admin, projects etc.

I cook, clean,shop, get the kids stuff sorted, sort the finances, sort the car, garden, bloody pets etc - on my own. I still manage to go for a coffee with the girls every coupld of weeks, get to the gym ( most weeks) go out for a drink every couple of weeks and do fun things with the kids.

If I don't then no one else comes in as the fairy godmother!

She needs to get a reality check

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 23:15

I don't think it's fair to say she agreed to be a SAHP but she really just wants me time. She has had children at home for nearly 9 years, it is only in the past few months that she has had her youngest in school. If her plan was to trick her DH into letting her be a SAHP just so she could take advantage and be a lady of leisure she has had to wait a hell of a long time for it to pay off!

I'm sure that the OP may have some legitimate gripes, but there has been a real lack of acknowledgement on this thread about just how hard it can be to get back into employment after an extended break. I've been a SAHP for a similar length of time to the OP's wife and I would be massively unimpressed if my partner expected me to have a child friendly job lined up the minute I no longer had the kids at home full time. I've sacrificed a hell of alot to care for my DC and I've felt isolated at times and I've lost alot of confidence. I would expect my partner to understand the impact being at home has had on both my job prospects and my mental health and give me support.

mimishimmi · 26/05/2017 23:17

I've gone back to work now both kids are in school and old enough to fend for themselves in the afternoons. Now my husband complains about housework which doesn't get done that he never even noticed before..

StealthPolarBear · 26/05/2017 23:19

He complains?! Complain right back!

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 26/05/2017 23:22

I agree yet again with stitch

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 23:23

Thank you Rufus.

gillybeanz · 26/05/2017 23:29

I was a sahm for 25 years, the last year my dd the last dependant was boarding.
The difference my dh doesn't care if I work or not and has always supported my decisions.
That was his choice though and different to OP.
I've not wanted a job/ career after having dc, but it was never our plan for a sahp it just worked for us.
I only work now out of guilt, and its suits us atm.

Funnyfarmer · 26/05/2017 23:48

Weekly admin = playing on mn.Grin
It's part of my job. It's parent training

YoloSwaggins · 27/05/2017 00:11

25 years?!

gillybeanz · 27/05/2017 00:31

Yolo
Never fancied it, loved my life without a job.
I'm happy p/t atm but not sure for how long, only been there since November.
I have a PgCE, and other PG Certs in management.
Had a good career and business before dc, felt a bit meh about it all.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/05/2017 00:35

Lass why have you just picked out one thing that I said?

Goodness you are touchy- you picked on a comment of mine. I responded. Pretty standard behaviour in MN. But if you want to be silly - should I ask why you picked on my comment?

There is a great deal of nonsense on this thread, including the talking up of trivial items as some sort of amazingly vital activity to keep a home running.

And maisypops is right about the misplaced wailing about misogyny.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 27/05/2017 00:46

its women who devalue each other, men dont care and just get on with it

Couldn't agree more with this but anyway, the op has fucked off so we are all screeching into the ether.

gluteustothemaximus · 27/05/2017 00:51

My SIL is a SAHM. But her children are 10 and 12. She does no housework, and meets friends all day. Does a food shop. Busy doing nothing. Her DH works in the city very long hours. Does housework and lots with the kids on weekends and cooks.

Her DH was miserable. Wanted a lower paid job closer, if she could work too. But she wants to be there for the children when they get home from school. So he's stuck.

Me on the other hand have worked throughout all 3 children's childhoods. We need money. I like independence. I'd get bored with gym and coffee dates after a week or so. I'd feel guilty for the financial pressure on DH alone. We're a team. I know who's marriage is happier. No resentment in teamwork.

However. If DH was super rich and we didn't need the money, I'd work voluntary, or something similar with my time.

Darbs76 · 27/05/2017 01:32

Definitely not unreasonable. Many women work full time and do majority of the housework - she's got it made. Of course she doesn't want to work she's having a great time meeting up with friends etc but she should be considering part time employment now the children are at school in my opinion as that's clearly what you want and she's being very unreasonable

fatdogs · 27/05/2017 02:23

For those who say that child care and house work is made out to be low value, IT IS low value. It is work that any one could do if they want to. Immigrant women who speak nothing of the language can pick up child care and housework when they reach a new country. And they usually leave it once they have some kind of qualifications.
Women who say they do the work of a chef, driver, personal assistant, nurse etc. It is all drivel. If you actually fulfilled those roles, you should need training and specific qualifications. You would have a superior, you would be assessed on your output and held to account if found wanting. Cooking bologniase for children's tea does not make one a chef, filling on forms does not make one a personal assistant.
If being a SAH parent was a job equivalent to the wage earner and entitled to "family money", then the wage earner should be able to insist on some kind of yearly appraisal, just like what the wage earner has to go through.
Mental load indeed. Try the mental load of being a sole income earner.

PortiaFinis · 27/05/2017 02:44

That's weird fatdogs, I'm a SAHM and I sometimes think about the appraisal thing - because actually being a SAHM can feel
pretty unanchored and goalless sometimes with virtually no positive feedback, but plenty of negative.

The thing is my husband can't give me an appraisal because we are partners, not managed and manager. Just like I can't perform an annual appraisal on what he contributes to family life - analyse his salary increase and bonus, his father skills etc. The idea is grotesque so I suppose we shall just have to ensure that we communicate our gratitude to each other.

And I am not a chef/chauffeur/PA/laundrymaid but I perform various aspects of those - and free him up from having to do the same. There is a value in that and each individual family will have to see if it works for them, it appears it isn't working for OP. I don't get the burning desire to trash other people's choices though.

stitchglitched · 27/05/2017 02:56

I'm not my partner's employee so really don't need an appraisal. In my household we need a SAHP. He is very grateful that I am willing to do it as he loves his job and openly admits that he would struggle to be at home with the kids full time. Luckily we have respect and appreciation for each other's roles.

fatdogs · 27/05/2017 04:09

Being a SAH parent is fine if people are happy and secure about their choice . It's not for me at all. Although I do notice that when I "trash" the position of a SAH parent, as it we're, people who are secure in that choice don't feel the need to defend themselves and defend their family choices and insist that they are not lazy becuase they drag out half hour of admin to 3 days or whatever. SAH parents who are happy in their decision tend to accept their role for what it is, see the benefits and the drawbacks and not make it out to be and insist that it the is the equivalent of being a full time salaried and appraised professional.

fatdogs · 27/05/2017 04:12

The ones who squeal the loudest about how being a SAH parent is the hardest job in the world and require the skills if a NASA scientist are those who are secretly guilty becuase they know they are free riding on someone who actually works a job with real world economic value.

Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 05:56

Jesus. Whether or not the OP's wife is taking the mick or not, some of the posters here should hang their heads. Some really nasty comments that I think that can only sprout from jealousy?

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 06:02

This reply has been deleted

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Trifleorbust · 27/05/2017 06:08

lasegundapaloma

Fat dogs!?

lasegundapaloma · 27/05/2017 06:11

In case I wasn't clear fatdogs, the ignorant spew in your posts is not only totally anti-feminist, but also a vile insult to the majority of women across the world who care for children and families day in day out.