Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

I wonder where OP is.....

#toomuchdrama

What does it matter to anybody what I do in the day? It's my life. I go to the gym or similar every morning. I meet a friend for lunch maybe once or twice a week. I get a manicure and a wax every fortnight among other things. Why would anybody care though? Kids are all happy and DH wouldn't have it any other way. I give them all 100% and they know it.

No two jobs are the same anyway - obviously! Some people genuinely work very hard, while some do a very good job of appearing to be busy.

What is the point of comparing one set up to another?

Mine didn't help me either - I have awful qualifications. I want better for my children. Adulthood is long - they'll have plenty of time to learn how to work by themselves. It doesn't need to start at 15!

My DH goes to the gym in the morning, then home for brekkie and straight to work, so I'm on mum duty from 7am. That includes breakfasts, washed, dressed, hair done, school run. I'll take the dog for a walk for an hour, then come home and spend another hour just straightening up. I'll prob then take a couple of hours to myself, maybe go to the gym or out for a coffee, some shopping - I feel like this is fully justified in the knowledge that I'll be off on school run at 2.45, and will then be back on mummy duty until kids are all in bed at about 8pm - facilitating activities, play dates, teas, and just being there to talk to my children. It's really rewarding, but it can be tiring and draining. Being a sahm means I need to take some time during the day to switch off and be me while the kids are at school. DH works really hard, and helps with housework and childcare after work, but he's definitely able to get more time to himself, and I also believe (he'd agree) he gets much more opportunity for personal development etc as a result of being the working parent, which I certainly wouldn't get from being the SAHP. I wonder if OP has a realistic idea of just what his wife probably does to keep the home ticking over. Signing up to be a SAHP, sacrificing a career is hugely rewarding, and is a privilege, but it's not a bed of roses.

Ok well I was a SAHM until January when I returned to work pt as a supply teacher. I'm returning in September as a subject teacher as my son will be 3 in January and in school himself. I'm super lucky being a teacher because it means we don't have to worry about childcare much and MOST of the time we will have the same holidays.

However my DH works full time with an hour or more commute each way. I made sure that when I wasn't at work and home with the baby, and even now In holidays or days I'm not working; the house is clean, shopping done and dinner is made.

Sorry to be mean to your DW but if the kids are at school she could do a p/t job or at least have all the chores done so you can relax at home.

Has the OP come back to this thread even once?

OP

I have always said to my DP that when we have children and can be supported by his sole wage, then I would love to be a SAHM until the children were at primary school.
I would do as you would expect. Cleaning, organising, life admin, all that jazz could be done whilst children are napping when younger or, when older, out at nursery/pre-school. Then all the evenings and weekend would be spent together.

I think she has got set in her ways from when the children were much smaller.

If the op's wife was a man everyone would be crying 'cocklodger'.
I work full time now, but when the kids were small I worked just 2 days a week, including for a short time when the both started school. I have got to say it was the easiest I have ever had it and I did the lions share of the house work. She sounds very lazy.

Sooty the unpaid labour women do is a huge contribution to society, whether sahp or doing that around woh. I get plenty of self worth from being a carer for 3 dc with send, have professionals, friends & dh falling over themselves to tell me how amazing I am. If I didn't stay at home with them our family would be broken and they would have zero quality if life. That our circumstances and needs must so I step up. It's just take 3 hrs to get them to settle to sleep dispite their melatonin and no doubt I will have them all up in the night like usual but that's how it is. I'd like to see anyone try to fit the admin involved in my kids into 5 mins let alone add the house stuff. And I'm 100% there's no way any parent could get my kids to manage organising a swim kit. It takes half a day to manage the anxiety around brushing teeth sometimes.

Lol NO

He just dropped a grenade and started WW3 between WOHMs and SAHMs

No. He appears to have wound us up and watched us go!

Half a day to brush teeth?!

What

Oh sorry I missed that they have SEN

Apologies

Oh dear, this is such a pointless argument.

I think we've all been had...

If this is real? ( I used to know a couple like this so it does occur)

I'd go part time with work forcing her to go back part time.

I'm sorry, I need to get a life.

My job has no project work on atm so I spend 6 working hours a day on Mumsnet and then get overly invested. I'm not even a mum!

#drunk

You need to talk to your wife. Im a sahm mum with one at school one at home. By me being at home I do all school meetings, all sessions at school where parents go in, all homework, all sorting play dates, all sorting pack lunch, all pick ups and drop offs, all looking after when sick and dealing with everything school related. When daughter was in reception there was a period I was in every week at least once for stuff they wanted parents at.I know several working mums who have to rely on grandparents, dad taking time off or childcare just to make work or when we are in a session with kids making sure another parent can look after your child so that your child isnt on own. I will be going back to work when youngest at school but it will effect dh because I do a damn lot related to school which he would not even realise (my daughter already has english, maths, phonics, spelling and reading homework every week which I need to sit and help her with) I do all housework but at weekends dh will help out but its not a weeks worth of cleaning. I think you need to sit down and discuss what she is doing but do remember when she goes back you are going to have to make sure one of you is there for drop offs and pick ups or pay childcare and that one of you can look after if ill etc..... Dont make out she contributes nothing. I am for ever thankful that dh realises what I do for our family and appreciates it. I doubt dh realises half the jobs I do.i have a little one at home but to be honest there is very few times im going out for lunch or gym and stuff like that. Rather than asking here where it will become sahm v working mum talk to her. Im very anxious about going back to work after years as a sahm. I find it hard to seperate myself from my children and the thought terifies me as I have been in my own little family bubble. Are you sure shes not the same?

Yolo, it's easy to get sucked in to mn When my internet broke I was actually happier not spending hours arguing with strangers, but it's strangrly addictive

Definitely avoiding

Yes exactly, It's really addictive

I once started a thread and it got horrible and I vowed not to go on MM again. But I can't help it! Especially with AIBU! Thankyou tho

I'm in process of getting new job. I don't think arguing on here and reading DM all day is working out well....

glad other people think this too

Good luck with the job yolo

Thank you

He's not said she needs to go back to work though, he's willing for her to do some of the housework and chores saved for the weekend and him to be done during the week when she has her me time to give them more family time at the weekend.

As for

Who are these kids who do homework with minimal input from parents? I'm jealous. Mine are doing A Levels and GCSEs - I spend bloody ages helping them learn quotes and explaining stuff. Even the primary aged dc have lots of projects they need help with and things that they don't understand without assistance

I gave pretty much no input past the early primary years. I'd have been fairly useless at GCSEs or a level in helping her and quite frankly it needed to be her work and she needed to learn to do it on her own. How would she cope in exams if someone always helped her? At uni? She's straight a or a star all the way through GCSEs and a levels, so it clearly wasn't a bad approach.

Honestly I think you need to encourage them to do it on their own, if they are fifteen and above I don't think parents should be helping as standard practice.