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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

999 replies

DesperateDanny · 26/05/2017 14:03

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 20:21

I don't have an opinion on what other decide in their relationships, if op was happy to fund this lifestyle, then great- but he isn't, its affecting them and there needs to be changes.

I stay at home with my toddler, and work. I work two days a week and then every evening and weekends I fit in what I can. My work is deadline based, and flexible as I work from home.
I still manage to keep my house clean, cook, do meal plans and activity plans for my DD and 'admin' whatever that is.

But my career is important to me.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 26/05/2017 20:21

I'm amazed at some of the posters here saying you sound nasty and their husbands give them a nice life, christ what age are they, 5????

I fucking hope not!! Shock

GwenStaceyRocks · 26/05/2017 20:22

What's embarrassing is posters falling over themselves to belittle women's contribution. There's a wealth of research that shows women carry a disproportionate burden of organising families, caring for DCs and that their responsibilities and contributions are devalued by patriarchal, capitalist societies. But posters are completely ignoring those facts and statistics for, well tbh I'm not sure of their reasons - is it so they can criticise other women? So they can win cool girl points from men that don't rate them? It's definitely not about supporting other parents which is meant to be the point of MN.

PurpleMinionMummy · 26/05/2017 20:23

Well as op hasn't been back to clarify, we don't actually know she's not doing the bulk of stuff during the week. Perhaps he hasn't been back because she does and he's moaning at being expected to pitch in 50/50 on the weekends. As sahm's have so much time on their hands, it's perfectly possible she does all the chores and admin AND manages to go to the gym and for coffee all in one day Grin

And if a sahp is asked what they do in the day, they will reply with what they do in the day. It's called answering the question. It doesn't mean they are justifying not working. I doubt they feel the need too Confused

Sallystyle · 26/05/2017 20:24

Not bashing here either. I only went back to work two years ago myself.

I just don't understand when the lists come out of all the chores SAHMs do with school aged children and they list things like admin and packing a swimming kit.

I guess it is actually quite sad that people feel the need to justify their choice to SAH and they feel the need to make lists which tries to show just how much they do as a SAHM to school aged children. I did it for years, it was bloody easy when they were at school. I had heaps of time to do what I wanted to do. If you are all happy with your setup you don't need to justify it.

ollieplimsoles · 26/05/2017 20:25

I'm a SAHM of school age children and i go to the gym, and sometimes don't get all the house stuff done, as it's important for my mental and physical health to look after myself as well. What is he problem with that? Sounds like the OP is envious of his wife...

Lol.
When does the op get the many hours she does to take if his mental and physical health?

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 26/05/2017 20:26

gwen there's support here... for the op. Who is a PARENT

YoloSwaggins · 26/05/2017 20:27

These aren't "superwomen" for getting5 minutes admin done in 5 minutes, or "superchildren" for having feet and a brain and packing their own bag and cycling in winter (yes, it's possible lol)

This is normal

NavyandWhite · 26/05/2017 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angelcakerocks · 26/05/2017 20:28

gwen I completely agree with you

Megbert · 26/05/2017 20:30

This thread is a disaster. Is everyone too warm this evening?

And where the feck did OP go?

angelcakerocks · 26/05/2017 20:30

yolo mine certainly didn't pack swimming bags and leave them by the door age 4 but there you go. Obviously 'normal' is different for different families.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/05/2017 20:31

The "packing a swimming kit" task is hilarious. I don't think I ever packed one or had one packed for me. I'm sure neither my school not my son's included swimming at PE until about 7. A 7 year old is old enough to stick a costume and a towel in a bag.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 26/05/2017 20:31

Agree with stitch and angel and navy

I seem to be missing the part where sahm are claiming that admin takes hours a day

I can see lots of 5 minute claims

NavyandWhite · 26/05/2017 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 26/05/2017 20:34

Dh does the househol admin for us

Apparently it takes longer than 5 minutes

Please note i said for us....it may well be that my household has less...or indeed more admin

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/05/2017 20:35

I see a lot of justification of admin and tasks which people who work full time cope with without needing anything like a full day.

zeezeek · 26/05/2017 20:36

I don't think its devaluing women to point out that some women, like some men, take the piss.

NavyandWhite · 26/05/2017 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2017 20:37

OP admits they didn't discuss what would happen once their youngest started school. Perhaps if he had warned her that he would be expecting her to find a part time job (likely low paid, menial work where she was still expected to juggle the childcare) as soon as their last was in reception she wouldn't have chosen to sacrifice her good career, CV and earning potential for 9 years

Maybe she should have warned him she intended to never work again? There is two people in this relationship. In addition I'd hazard a guess she wanted to stay home.

I'd also say he says they do fifty fifty st the weekends and he wants her to do more during the week, not leave it all till the weekend so it eats into family time. She's stated she's earned her time to herself and said no. And it's getting worse.

So she's admitting she doesn't do it during the week, it's very very clear. I don't know why people are saying well maybe she's secretly busy doing shit uou don't see. She's said she's earned her me time and won't do it and they need to do it all together at the weekends.

Seems clear to me.

AvoidingCallenetics · 26/05/2017 20:37

Who are these kids who do homework with minimal input from parents? I'm jealous. Mine are doing A Levels and GCSEs - I spend bloody ages helping them learn quotes and explaining stuff. Even the primary aged dc have lots of projects they need help with and things that they don't understand without assistance.

Obviously the whole sah thing only works if both partners want it, but it is unfair for the wohp to expect their partner to sah or woh as it suits them. Or to expect sahp to fit in a little job and do everything else. It's only fair to change the arrangement if wohp is genuinely able to do their 50% and support the sahp in retraining so their time at home doesn't permamently disadvantage them.

Still no word from OP about what he is willing to do.

JoshLymanJr · 26/05/2017 20:37

Packing a swimming kit is hilarious? Nope. Just something that needs to be remembered the night before.

I'm with you on that one. If I left my 4 and 6 year olds to pack their swimming stuff God knows what we would end up with at the pool...

YoloSwaggins · 26/05/2017 20:39

My parents never helped/supervised me at GCSE or A-level and I now have a 1st in Maths from Bath.

Methinks the 24/7 supervision is not helpful or necessary. You need to learn to work on your own as a young adult!

YoloSwaggins · 26/05/2017 20:40

Obvs kids are different, but homework was done by me and I only asked my parents of I needed help. They didn't watch over me as such. Appreciate some kids need this.

stitchglitched · 26/05/2017 20:42

She hasn't said she never intends to work again though has she? Their youngest has been in school a matter of months.