Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

I don't think the lists of early morning and late evening tasks help the sahms cause. That's not when the wohps are sitting around drinking champagne and having their nails done

Yolo why are you telling us what you did as a child and not what your children do now?

Because I'm drawing on the experience of my working mum and remembering my childhood. But yes, I'm not a mum myself, so maybe I will change my tune.

Navy I think that's true of alot of people.

And I have no idea what this napping is that someone mentioned. Parenting non disabled kids must be a piece of piss. Am thinking of going back to work again just to get a fucking break.

And if I was to draw on my working mum I would say all I remember is holding my breath at the child minders watching the clock. Quality time is a myth she made up to ease her guilt ime.

What we remember from childhood isn't much use in comparrision to what sahm do now.

I don't think the lists of early morning and late evening tasks help the sahms cause. That's not when the wohps are sitting around drinking champagne and having their nails done

That's not what the wohm are doing I'd agree but if you look at the stats on what wohd are doing it might well be. I think this is half the problem with all this sahm/wohm shit. Wohms assume that the other parent is doing what they do themselves. And that's not what usually happens when a man hasn't a stay at home wife.

Have you talked to her about how she sees the future? I would also look at jobs which fit in with your life. I imagine part of it is she is anxious about a return to work place. It is scary when your whole life has been wrapped around the children and family for a long time. Talk to her without the accusation and get to bottom of why she doesnt want to go back

some women have kids and see it as a get out of work card for the next twenty years.
You can always tell the mums that don't work as they spend an hour each day chatting at the school gates.
Yes op your wife is lazy and needs a job.

Or wohms or wahms

Opened the wine & I don't normally drink

there's nothing wrong with being a sahm or a wohm, we all do whats right for our family, but the secret is....don't take the piss.

You sound very unkind OP.

don't take the piss.

Well said!

If you work full time, don't think that means you can do sod all at the weekend.

If you're at home full time, don't think you have all your me time during the week and expect the working partner to end up doing loads more.

In short. Whatever your gender or chosen family set up, don't be an arse. Being an arse builds resentment.

But navy the work nanny's do is valued. As is child minders, carers, nursery staff and so on (although poorly paid as it's 'women's work') And grandparents who look after kids ofcourse are knackered and rightly so. And sahds- well they are heros for being there for their kids. But women who dare choose to do this, or more commonly get stuck with no choice but to do this, well what can you say.

It's only on mn that mothers so run down. I guess I know really decent real life people. Thank god or i'd go crazy with the mental load of hands on parenting 24/7.

You are not being unreasonable.

Before school age there is childcare during the school day on top of household stuff and admin stuff and that is the 'work'.

Perhaps suggest to your DE that she's earns her me time and so she can continue to have it for a year and then you'll swap roles and she can do the FT WOH job whilst you have your own earnt me time for your contribution.

But women who dare choose to do this, or more commonly get stuck with no choice but to do this, well what can you say.
But nobody is running SAHM down.

They're just pointing out that if you're at home then most of the home tasks are the home parent's responsibility. For the home parent to spend a lot of me time and then expect a working parent to help fill in all the home chores that haven't been done because they've been off doing hair appointments, shoppinb and friend things at the expense of the home then I think it's right to say it's selfish.

The OP has said that his wife clearly has a group of friends who are very much 'I am off work so it's my time and I might do some home chores or I might not' and they seem to be giving his wife the idea she is entitled to do not that much.

If his wife was doing more stuff and then having a bit if me time and being open for a reasonable discusson. then I don't think he'd have posted.

Simple principle. Don't be an arse. OP's wife is being an arse.

I often think I need some me time... I hid all the toy cars "somewhere" in the house today for my 2yo to find whilst I sat in the sun reading a book about being an outstanding teacher. It was sneaky but I pretended it was for his own good being out of the sun.

I wasn't saying you did navy. Just you mentioned nanny's so was pointing out that every other oer son who does child care is valued above mothers who do within our society. It's just part of inheriant mysogyny that devalues the unpaid labour women do

Actually our childhood memories are very useful and Yolo is as entitled to share her views on SAHM as the rest of us. I had a view of SAHM before I became a mother and that has not changed since. That view was based on my childhood with my mother.

It's just part of inheriant mysogyny that devalues the unpaid labour women do

I hate this shite

its women who devalue each other, men dont care and just get on with it

Yes that's what I meant- women are inherently mysogynistic. Mn especially so