Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much

[DesperateDanny]

My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.

I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.

I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.

I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.

I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.

Loaf about. Hmm. I wonder who makes the packed lunches and get the bags ready for school the next day, sorts the PE kit out, goes to parents evening and any shows at school? Oh and any homework that might need supervising? I wonder who feeds and entertains the dc during the school holidays and runs them to any after school activities?

Pack lunch - 5 mins
Bags ready - kids over 8 do it themselves
PE kit - same. Otherwise 5 mins.
What homework need supervision? Even if it needs oversight, are you over their shoulder the whole time?
Holidays - holiday clubs, way more fun than sat at home
Activities - kids over 9 can walk/cycle

Also, this stuff is what working people manage in an hour in the evenings. You are making out like it's equivalent work to being the Prime Minister or something...

rm maisypops many mothers work full time as well. You seem to assume the man provides and the woman sah

Erm I know that. But this thread is about women who do stay at home.

I have zero issue with people staying at home/working etc as people like.

I do find anyone staying home thinking that their working partner (whatever gender) should pickup a chunk of the housework to be unreasonable. When DH was out of work and I worked, he did it. Term time we share 50/50 as we both work. School holidays, I do it all. Person at home picks up lions share.

This is embarrassing.....women scratching around offering up weedy little excuses as to what can fill a day....week....to justify them not working.

We've had admin,changing beds,supervising homework,cooking,meal planning (wtf!? You can think up a weeks menu in ten mins!)

Oh and my parents went to parents evening after work.

How does this justify not working 6+ hours a day?!

Having grown up with working parents that managed all this, forgive me for not understanding "how hard it is".

Preparing a packed lunch....preparing swimming kit.... it gets worse!!

Literally how are any of these 5 minute tasks that kids can do for themselves work?!

Yes Navy....with YOU fuelling the fire it would seem

Packed lunches and menu planning indeed!!

OK fair enough maisypops sorry
And I have been meaning to sort the dcs passports for about six months now. Maybe I should get off mn and do it :)

'Preparing swimming kit'

Newsflash. Any child over the age of 4 is perfectly capable of putting a swimming costume, a towel, a comb and a pair of goggles in a bag and leaving it by the front door.

Yes you're right navy

Pretty astonished that anyone thinks the OP is BU.

If the SAHP spends the whole time their partner is at work doing some form of work - childcare, housework, "admin" or whatever - and there's more to do when the partner gets home, then yes, of course it gets shared 50:50. But if the SAHP takes their "me time" while their partner is working, and then expects the work to be shared 50:50 when their partner is home, they're taking the piss. How is that not totally clear and obvious? Anyone arguing about how MUCH housework/"admin" there is to do is missing the point.

Well this is turning into a nice sahm bashing thread.

I read it as a 'people don't like a certain type of SAHP' thread.

Most people (me included!) I don't think would have any issue with people choosing to stay at home whatever the reason.

What people have said isn't on is somebody choosing to stay at home but they dont feel home stuff is for them to do. The OP has suggested that if his wife doesnt want to do the home stuff now the children are in school she could work. The OP'S wife seems to have a bunch of mummy friends who also feel they should be at home, not do home things are are encouraging his wife to dig her heels in so she can do limited house things, go out with friends and get her hair done.
That's not fair on the working parent (whatever the gender).

It's not a thread against stay at home mums. It's a thread against people who are selfish and feel the world owes them an easy life and aren't willing to discuss it with their partners because they've got their mates telling them they're not being selfish.

Excuse the terrible typing in my previous post. I was typing on my phone and I really shouldn't do that.

I'm a sahm. Both my kids have Sen and my youngest is not yet in school. Your wife has probably had a pretty busy few years but to be honest even if she devoted two hours a day out of six to what you do at the weekend it should be covered.

I don't think anyone's bashing SAHM.

I was one for about 9 years - and managed to get kids organised with bags, lunches and PE kit in about 20 minutes .

Mostly because, being home all day, I'd planned ahead and made sure they had clean kit and there was food for lunches.
Once they were out of the house I did the chores - then had very little else to do for at least 2-3 hours.

After they were both ensconced in school I knew I wanted to go out and do something.
DH would have been happy for me to be at home but if that had been my choice I would have been the person doing the vast majority of housework and admin etc.

She is living a very charmed life at your expense. The problem now is that she will find it incredibly hard going back to work after all this time and I expect she knows she wouldn't cope working. She is no longer a SAHM, now the kids are at school she is a lady of leisure!

Yeah very nasty thread. This isn't a woman who just decided to live a life of leisure, it is a women who was looking after a pre schooler until 7 months ago, who has sacrificed her career as a JOINT decision. There is nothing in the OP to suggest she doesn't do housework, just that stuff at the weekends is shared. OP should be supporting her to get her career going again, not expecting her to walk into a conveniently houred job the second their youngest starts school with a 9 year gap in her CV.

I'm at home full time, as a carer to 2 DC, one with SN. Reading how I'm viewed by other women is bloody upsetting.

It very much irritates me when a woman is called a "trophy wife" and told to beware of being "traded in"for a younger model - by another woman! So thanks for that saltandvinegar Are you under the impression that women who work are "traded in" on a less regular basis?

As for SAHMs being less able to stand on their own two feet financially, well it obviously depends on circumstances doesn't it? Many ex-wives of high earners are better off after a divorce than if they had been working all those years, because the DH's have been given free-reign to make life-changing amounts of money.

There is no point being a wife and SAHM to someone like the OP though imo, because he sounds like the type who wants to find fault regardless.

Not only are there superwomen on this thread who do all monthly admin in 5 minutes but there are also super children who get their swimming kit ready and by the front door age 4 and cycle themselves to and from after school activities even in depths of winter presumably. Both this and lazy SAHMs having lunches and filing their nails while their husband hotfoots it home from work to pop on a load of washing are ridiculous. Why can't we just accept people are all different and do what suits them as a family.
Where is OP who MNHQ assure us is not one of the hairy handed?

I always wonder what this weekly/regular 'admin' is which is referred to on MN.

I stayed at home but went to evening classes when my two were babies. Then volunteered when they started school and then worked part time when I became a single parent. I don't understand how anyone could stay at home and not contribute to your family financially or to society and have any self worth. I really feel that your poor wife must be really unhappy and doesn't feel able to contribute. Maybe volunteering would help her as there is less pressure. You really don't need 6 hours a day to do housework unless you live in a castle.

I'm a SAHM of school age children and i go to the gym, and sometimes don't get all the house stuff done, as it's important for my mental and physical health to look after myself as well. What is he problem with that? Sounds like the OP is envious of his wife...