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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 'I don't drive' is not a valid excuse?

534 replies

peppatax · 26/05/2017 08:40

Two parts to this really, I don't know many adults that don't drive to ask but if you don't drive, can I ask why not?

Second part I guess is if you don't drive, do you expect others to accommodate you or make allowances for you solely on the basis of not driving?

OP posts:
peaceout · 26/05/2017 12:29

My gym is 30 mins walk away Beerwench...I use the walk as a warm up 😊

Needmoresleep · 26/05/2017 12:31

I like my SiL's variant. She can drive but "does not drive on motorways". So can visit her elderly father regularly, but cannot help with my mother who has significant care needs. My brother is, obviously, a man so "very busy" at work.

For similar, unstated, reasons I assume she is unable to take trains.

I recognise that she has no responsibility to help with her in-laws, but given we have been having problems for a decade, a bit of help during one of the crises would have been very useful.

I was ill at one point and was not supposed to drive. Poor DH had to drive with me lying on the back seat.

There are lots of reasons why people can't drive, but in some cases I do think there is an element of being unwilling to engage fully with adult life, or take responsibility for sharing a burden.

Marmalade85 · 26/05/2017 12:33

Grew up in and still live in London. Never learnt to drive but wish I knew how to now I have a young son.

Sandyfeet101 · 26/05/2017 12:34

I have tried, had lessons on and off for years and failed my test twice. I do intend to try again but where do I draw the line? In the meantime, I never expect lifts and more often then not have to politely refuse unsolicited offers of lifts for easily walkable distances.

HotelEuphoria · 26/05/2017 12:34

this has been done to death. I have seen about three similar threads in six months.

Loads of reasons:

expense
not necessary in major cities
illness or disability that prevents or makes difficult driving
fear
etc
etc

I drive by the way.

Erinys · 26/05/2017 12:34

I have a license but I don't drive. I have zero faith in my ability to safely control a car in emergency situations and despite having been repeatedly being told I'm a good driver, I just panic behind the wheel. I would rather stay in, than drive.

I don't however expect other people to take me places. I can walk to most things and use the buses if not. I wish I had the confidence to drive but every attempt I've made to try and build it has had me trembling even though nothing bad has happened.

ChestnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 26/05/2017 12:36

I don't drive probably started too late as didn't have the money and now I feel too old to learn. Live in an area with good public transport and DH drives. I always find this refrain comes from people who got handed driving lessons aged 17 and a car for their 18th.

TinselTwins · 26/05/2017 12:37

I think you just don't like your colleague, which is probably why she only shares vague personal details with you - if I was your colleague and had a genuine personal reason for not driving I'ld probably say "Oh I can't be bothered to learn" rather than open up about past accidents/fears/financial issues because you sound…well…

as for "expecting lifts" if someone plans a group event somewhere out of the way well yes! I do think it's reasonable to expect to give some consideration to the non drivers in the group (i.e. lifts). You'ld have to be a bit of a shit not to! I held one of DDs birthday parties in an out of the way venue. About 25 mins drive away but no direct busses so would take nearly 2 hours and loads of changes to get there, we made sure that the kids of non drivers had lifts, would have been shitty not to.

And her school place issue is legitimate, if your allocation is so out of area that you could only get there by car then it's too far away for lots of reasons (including managing the childs social life etc)

WELL DONE YOU for driving! clap clap OP!

ALittleMop · 26/05/2017 12:38

Needmoresleep
Your problem has bugger all to do with driving, more to do with your brother being a selfish arse

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 26/05/2017 12:38

There are lots of reasons why people can't drive, but in some cases I do think there is an element of being unwilling to engage fully with adult life, or take responsibility for sharing a burden.

Yes of course - I live alone, I work, and am responsible for paying rent, bills plus all the day to day stuff so I am clearly unwilling to engage in adult life Hmm

If not driving means not slagging off those with a different choice then I'm glad I don't.

Not one person has indicated that they are unwilling to engage, just because they happen not to drive.

Need Sounds like it's your DB who needs a kick up the ass for perpetuating the myth that it is somehow woman's work to care for elderly relatives. It isn't your SIL's responsibility, it is your DB who should help.

peaceout · 26/05/2017 12:38

If elderly parents want help from their non driving offspring shouldn't they relocate to be nearer said offspring?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 26/05/2017 12:39

As for sharing a burden, I shoulder the entire burden. So don't be so quick to judge people you know nothing about

morningtoncrescent62 · 26/05/2017 12:39

To get back to the OP's original questions:

I don't drive because 1) I hate it, 2) my ditheriness makes me a hazard to other road users, and 3) I live in a city with good public transport so there's no need.

And no, I don't expect anyone else to accommodate me in any way. Like some PPs, I occasionally have problems convincing people that no, I don't want or need a lift somewhere. Other than that, life is actually more straightforward as a non-driver: parking is a nightmare in the city centre and non-existent at work, so my daily commute is in any case more sensible on the bus, and we have a good network of buses including night buses, so public transport really is the most sensible choice as well as the most ethical one.

Whisperingwinds · 26/05/2017 12:45

I am partially blind and cant drive. That said , I dont expect anyone to drive me around for my day to day living. We chose to live close to a tube station so I get to work easily and DD goes to a school 10 min walk away. DH does drive DD to some activities but on the od days he cant - we take the bus.

Whisperingwinds · 26/05/2017 12:45

odd*

TrinityTaylor · 26/05/2017 12:47

I have a car and can tell you decisively I a not fat in any way nor lazy

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 26/05/2017 12:47

I don't drive. I have ADHD, i am still getting it under control with medication, until it is controlled I am not safe to drive.

I don't expect anyone to drive me places. If I ask, I always offer petrol and thank them profusely.

I want to drive, but right now for the safety of everyone else it's best that I don't.

ProfPlumInTheLibrary · 26/05/2017 12:49

I always find this refrain comes from people who got handed driving lessons aged 17 and a car for their 18th.

Yes! I said this a few pages back but I grew up in a home with no car and where no one could drive. We lived in London so had good public transport links and although driving would have made some things easier we always managed without. When I was a teenager my mum could not afford to get me lessons. When I moved out from home I could not afford them. Now I'm at a stage in my life where I could afford lessons, and living in an area where it would be a lot easier if I could drive, but life gets in the way. There is nobody to look after dd while I go off for lessons. I do wish I'd done it when I was younger but as I said, we couldn't have afforded it. I get by now, I walk nearly everywhere - struggling in this heat a bit! Most people I know now have been driving since they were teenagers and I do feel a bit embarrassed that I can't. I never ask for lifts though. On the other hand, I like that I'm not reliant on a car and that I do a lot of walking. I know you don't have to drive everywhere just because you can, but I'm sure it's tempting!

Natsku · 26/05/2017 12:52

I don't drive because the whole thing scares me and I don't think I'd be safe on the road. I don't use it as an excuse though, I have a bike and use that to get everywhere unless OH drives me.

howthelightgetsin · 26/05/2017 12:53

I have a licence and we have a family car but DP is the only one that drives. I passed my test fourth time and honestly even after passing - when I was probably best at driving - I couldn't have driven down the road on my own. I could do parrellel parking ok (with an instructor in the car to stop me if I'm going wrong) but can't get into a parking space. If my son was ill I'd call a taxi to the hospital even if it took longer to get there just because I honestly cannot drive and the idea of driving us the two miles to the hospital seems as crazy as me being asked to remove someone's appendix this afternoon (I'm not a doctor).
I don't think it's that inconvenient to anyone other than my DP perhaps. I live in London and I can get public transport everywhere.

Slimthistime · 26/05/2017 12:53

This has been done to death
I mostly don't drive because it's a pointless expense in London bit I'd like to leave London and now I'm so used to not driving, I dint fancy starting again. As long as you don't ask for lifts, I think that's fine.

seafoodeatit · 26/05/2017 12:55

It feels like an unfinished sentence, not a valid excuse for what? salsa lessons? not eating green peppers? Perhaps it's important to remember that driving is a skill, not a preference (though that may be the case for some), this isn't the same as asking why do you hate salad and why do you refuse to eat anywhere that serves it.

If the consideration is getting somewhere that's only viable by car then yes, you would hope that people would be reasonable and take everyone into account, relationships tend to be give and take. There's no reason why taking someone's needs into consideration needs to turn into a battle, point scoring or cries of martyr.

TinselTwins · 26/05/2017 12:55

Needmoresleep are you serious? Your SIL already cares for her own parent and you want her to provide you with respite too? Do you offer to go and look after her father to give her a break? WTF!!

If your brother doesn't help, take it up with him, but why the fuck sould your SIL who is already a carer do a motorway trip to relieve you from your carer duties?

There are lots of reasons why people can't drive, but in some cases I do think there is an element of being unwilling to engage fully with adult life, or take responsibility for sharing a burden
Well maybe more care owners should take more responsibilty for sharing the burden of addressing climate change and try to be more like non drivers unless it's an essential car trip?

PersephoneInTheGarden · 26/05/2017 12:56

What a strange question. I 'don't' drive, since an accident, but in fact I'm so much fitter for walking everywhere, and actually feel secretly a bit smug that I get to see the flowers, read on the train, and not have to go to the gym, as well as not polluting the environment. An hour's walk seems a reasonable distance to me, so I rarely accept lifts, but I'm constantly having to turn people down because they seem to feel sorry for people who walk. I'm lucky I'm able to walk so much, but society's assumption that absolutely everyone 'needs' a car is a bit daft.

brasty · 26/05/2017 12:57

I know two people who are not allowed to drive because of health reasons. Both work and you would not know by looking at them that they were not allowed to drive.