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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 'I don't drive' is not a valid excuse?

534 replies

peppatax · 26/05/2017 08:40

Two parts to this really, I don't know many adults that don't drive to ask but if you don't drive, can I ask why not?

Second part I guess is if you don't drive, do you expect others to accommodate you or make allowances for you solely on the basis of not driving?

OP posts:
Rantymare · 26/05/2017 11:06

I don't judge people who don't drive.

I do judge people who think that because I drive, It's a given that I'll take them to places free of charge because I drive. These people do exist, I've dropped friends because of it. I've needed lifts myself sometimes for various reasons but always offered money or a return favour.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 26/05/2017 11:07

Not every non driver is hampered by it - there are taxis if no public transport to get to an awkward shift for example.

You have an issue with one person - please don't treat everyone who doesn't drive the same, it could make you look rather stupid.

Belle1616 · 26/05/2017 11:07

I cant drive. I could never afford the lessons. I also live in London so don't really need to. Am going to try in the future, but am a jumpy passenger so not sure how safe I will be. I never expect people to ferry me about.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 26/05/2017 11:12

People on here always think that if you don’t drive, you forever try to get lifts. See also, if you refuse a wedding invitation because you can’t take your children, the bride and groom will be furious about it.

If I was a judgey person, I would judge those people in huge 4x4s driving their children the short distance to school every morning, but, ya know, I can’t be arsed to let other people bother me to that extent if something does affect me

paxillin · 26/05/2017 11:14

Since I cycle and walk, my transport is free all year round, save for a little wear and tear on bike and shoes. This means the three occasions per year when only a car will do I could pay somebody to carry me downstairs and then a black cab wherever plus somebody to carry me again at the other end if I wanted and it would still be cheaper than running a car. It would be irrational to be a driver.

If you live rural and work rural, but far away it is different of course.

listsandbudgets · 26/05/2017 11:15

I don't drive for medical reasons.

As a general rule I do not expect friends and family to make concessions although I will occasionally ask for a lift - for example last year dd was asked to a party some distance away which would have involved a £30 each way taxi ride OR 4 hours each way on bus (for a 2 hour party) -I asked her friends mum to give her a lift.

Many of my friends offer me lifts anyway but i don't always accept.

gleam · 26/05/2017 11:19

YABU. I drive, so what?

Nobody should have to drive. I find that people who don't drive tend to plan their lives accordingly.

purplecollar · 26/05/2017 11:19

Non drivers' dc are a lot fitter I think. It was noticed last year that all of the cross country team at our school had a dm who either didn't drive or didn't have access to a car during the day. It became apparent when there was nobody to get them to the fixture. Still, easily solved by booking a couple of taxis. Nobody quibbled over the shared fare.

mummyretired · 26/05/2017 11:22

I don't drive. I have a license but am very bad at it, so I never have. I don't expect anyone to make special arrangements for me and I use public transport and the occasional taxi. I've managed a working life, two children and everything else without driving (or having a DP who drives) and I rather look down on people who can't cope without a car, unless they live and work in the countryside.

I find going out somewhere with drivers can be a pain, because they always want parking facilities in busy places.

So it's not an excuse, but an environmentally-friendly badge of honour.

countrybump · 26/05/2017 11:23

I live in a rural area. I make allowances for those who can't or don't drive. It's very difficult to get anywhere from here if you don't drive, so almost everyone does.

If they don't it's because there is a reason - they can't afford to or there's a medical reason.

I've not come across anyone who 'expects' to be given a lift all the time, but I have been asked to give people a lift on occasion. For some people they're life is made harder by not being able to drive or having access to a car, I have no desire to make their life more difficult by not offering a lift if I can.

Summerisdone · 26/05/2017 11:24

I don't drive because simply put, I cannot afford to learn.
I did start my lessons a few years back and even passed my theory, but very shortly after I became pregnant and then shortly after that I became a single parent, so I just do not have the spare money to put towards finishing my lessons.

I do expect people to accommodate to a degree, because I have to consider how I'm going to get to places and how long it will take for me to get there without the benefit of a car. I don't expect me not driving to put others out though, if my driving is going to hinder their plans then I tell them to go ahead with plans without me instead.

My not driving has become a slight problem between myself and my best friend though. Since having DS I moved away from the city I'm from, only a short drive away as it takes about 45 minutes in standard traffic, but it takes me over 2 hours by public transport (that's from my door to friend's door).
This means that I don't travel up to see friend as often as I'd like because finding the time is difficult, and a 4 and half hour round trip can be a pain with a toddler especially when using trains and buses. Friend then gets arsey about driving to see me, and says I should make the effort more.
Perhaps she is right, but I would visit at least once for every time she came to me, so about 1/3 me to her and 2/3 her to me.

abbsisspartacus · 26/05/2017 11:24

I can't drive at the moment no I don't expect people to make allowances for me if I can't get there I can't get there simple

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 26/05/2017 11:24

Don't drive. Don't much like cars.

Not driving is useful because it forces us to live near good public transport/walkable to stuff and not get distracted by the lure of the bigger house and end up in the middle of fucking nowhere. We get lifts from friends maybe once or twice a year. For the rest of the time we manage fine.

Oh, and I don't have to diet or find ways to cram in exercise because of all the walking/cycling and pram pushing.

Dearohdeer · 26/05/2017 11:26

We can be a little defensive because we are constantly made to feel like an inconvenience about it. Somebody plans something far away. I wouldn't dream of asking for a lift and public transport doesn't go there. I either admit I can't get there and it looks like I'm hinting for a lift or I make an excuse up and I'm criticised for being 'flaky' can't bloody win.

peaceout · 26/05/2017 11:28

I do most of my shopping on foot, supermarket is about a mile away, carry it home in a backpack...great exercise especially as it's all uphill on the way back.
If I want a larger amount of groceries I order online...or there are always shopping trolleys, yes I'm an old lady but im a very fit trim old lady

peaceout · 26/05/2017 11:31

Cars are a very inefficient use of resources, why take a ton of metal with you everywhere you go??
They spend most of the time parked cluttering up the roadside making it hard to cross the road, not to mention the cost of owning and running the thing

OfficerVanHalen · 26/05/2017 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrinityTaylor · 26/05/2017 11:33

If someone takes a job and cant drive and that job is in a slightly awkward place to get to without a car, there should never be an excuse - very exceptional circumstances like a cancelled train or like this week round my way in Manc, lots of travel disruptions, of course are acceptable - but "there's no direct bus on Sundays" or "the earliest train is 7 so I can't get in for 8" are not cool, you MAKE SURE you can get there come rain or shine! And no, an able bodied person saying they could get the bus but it's a half hour walk to/from the stop and their boyfriends car which she gets dropped/picked up from said stop in has broken down so they can't come in is NOT acceptable to me!!! Bloody walk!

I know loads of people who don't drive, some rely on lifts more than others. I'm normally first to offer the odd lift especially to a younger person at my workplace who might not be able to afford a car and isn't too experienced on public transport. But most people I know have bus cards/train season tickets and are seasoned pros who can get themselves pretty much anywhere

Bibidy · 26/05/2017 11:35

A valid excuse for what I'm not sure, but I do understand the frustrations.

It's not people who don't drive who frustrate me, but those of them who say they never learnt to drive as they 'never needed to', but actually often have to rely on others to ferry them around to social events, appointments etc.

lanouvelleheloise · 26/05/2017 11:35

I learned to drive at 28, which was enough time to learn that life without a car can be really tough! So I do try to help out friends who don't drive (or can't afford transport). However, I do think that it becomes really annoying when there is an expectation that you will just be there. BIL's wedding is happening later in the year and a couple of non-drivers, on VERY good wages, have asked us to ferry them to and from a railway station 20 miles away. We're busy with all kinds of other prep for the wedding, so said a firm but polite no - thought it was a bit of a cheek to be asked when they could easily afford a cab.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 26/05/2017 11:36

Ironically during snow days, the train people are the most reliable Grin

Beerwench · 26/05/2017 11:36

"Going back to my previous posts, the excuses/allowances point still stands - why should non drivers not have to work weekends or awkward shifts on the basis that they can't due to public transport?"

This irritates me, I'm a non driver, I've always worked in shift work. I've always managed. I live in the arse end of no where too, with a quite poor bus service and no trains. I am lucky (and made appropriate choices) that I now live and work in the same place. I'm annoyed by the notion that because it would mean walking a mile or so, or getting to work early or having to wait for a bus after shift for an hour maybe, it's seen as a good enough reason to not work the same as a driver. Might not be my fault that I can't drive but it's my responsibility that if I accept a job I make sure I can get there, and I don't see a huge problem in walking (obviously if you are able) or waiting for a while because public transport gets you there a bit early for your shift.
Of course driving would make my life easier, I do sometimes miss out because I can't. I do sometimes ask friends or relatives for a lift should I need one, but I don't expect and ask for it on the same level as a babysitting favour or dog sitting for someone, a one off for a specific reason.
I do however resent some of my driver friends, they seem to think I 'expect' them to give me lifts when I absolutely do not. I'm happy to walk, get a bus, but some seem to look upon it as they're doing a duty by offering me a lift. That attitude annoys me. I'm almost 40 and I manage when they're not around.

TrinityTaylor · 26/05/2017 11:38

Also something ive noticed on mumsnet are large numbers of people with very small children, a partner who works 12 hours a day 2 hrs away and they live in the middle of no where with one bus a day and cannot drive. The sheer isolation must be terrible I don't know why you would choose to live that way. The rural life really appeals to me but only with transport literally outside my door at all times

n0ne · 26/05/2017 11:38

Because I lived in London most of my life where car is more a hindrance than a help. I did finally learn in my 30s and it was a bloody nightmare - 100+ hours of lessons, passed on my 4th attempt. Now I drive if I have to, but I really, really hate it. I'm not confident at all. Doesn't help I learned in a Golf and we have a bloody Astra estate Confused

I'll be making sure DD learns to drive as soon as she's old enough, while she's young and fearless!

Raggydolly3 · 26/05/2017 11:39

I would drive but the DLA think the fact a have seizures may be a problem for some reason Hmm
When people ask me if I drive I always feel I need to back it up with I did learn to drive but I had to stop when I was diagnosed with epilepsy
Though actually next time I will just say
Because I am lazy and can't be arsed to learn and also I quite like drinking so the fact my husband has to do all the driving is a bonus"