To feel utterly enraged that my children & myself have not been mentioned in my in-laws will

[ThespianTendencies]

OK, bit of background. Was married for 18 years, husband was a controlling, bullying (functioning) alcoholic. WE had two children - he died 7 yrs ago as a result of a stupor during which he fell and sustained a fatal head injury leaving me with our two children - then aged 3 and 12. Our life was far from idyllic - in fact at times it was hell on earth and I got little or no support from his family as they were in denial. All through the awful trauma and grief of his death I maintained contact and have done up until both of their deaths; my Mother in law died in March this year. I made sure we always visited - my children had a lovely relationship with them both, as did I - albeit at a distance as they lived some miles away and it was often difficult with school and such like to get to see them. When dh died I moved home with my children to be near my family. My FIL visited us twice and my MIL never, she is afraid of motorways and fast driving. I made sure we visited when we could and called every 1-2 weeks. They had a daughter, my sis in law. She ran away with their married neighbour causing chaos, she got married abroad without inviting them. She never had children and was prone to shutting herself off form them (her parents) when she felt the need. it transpires that she is the only named beneficiary in the will and was verbally told by her Mum to 'help us out' now and then. I am so fuming and upset about this. I cannot believe that they would not name us - well my children in particular. They lost their Dad, their Grandad (both Grandads actually) and their Nana and now they have not even been left with a single penny other than that my SIL chooses to give us!!! AIBU??? I never remarried, never traumatised the children further than they already had been. I maintained contact wth the in-laws, for all the right reasons and they (and me) have been totally omitted.

op, i'm sorry for all the loss you and dc have had to deal with, it can't be easy! i do understand what you are saying, and whilst it is their will to decide, my own thought process would have been to divide 50/50 between dh and sil. since dh passed, it would seem clear to me to pass his share on to his kids. not everyone will have this thought process though, and sometimes that can be tough to accept. i totally understand what you are saying, it's kind of like a rejection and a slap in the face to you/dc. yes, you could challenge the will on dc behalf if you wanted to, but you can't guarantee the outcome you want. good luck!

Wow. I'm not "expecting" anything from my own mother when she dies let alone my MIL.
My nan was the most important person in my family to me, she didn't leave me any money, I've not even seen her will, I wouldn't have expected anything.
I loved her and she loved me she didn't owe me anything.
I really hate this thing when someone dies and the response is "how much am I getting?"

I'm with you OP, I'd be upset too.

Surely as their son is deceased then it would have been nice to have left some to the children? I totally get that it's their choice but it's just a slap in the face to the OP to feel that her and her children, her MIL's grandchildren, are not considered family.

You weren't even an afterthought. I guess there is the possibility that they just never updated their will after their son died so it all just goes to the surviving child.

It's not about 'how much am I getting' it's about hearing the will read and knowing that despite being part of the family for a long time you weren't thought of even in a 'DIL gets my spoon collection because I know she loved them'.

And, rightly, the OP is venting here so she doesn't in real life to her SIL or any other family member.

Being "enraged" at what someone else does with their legacy is an understandable emotional reaction in this sort of situation, but you know when you look at it in the cold light of day it's their choice and not something you are really entitled to.

Nobody is really under duty to leave their money to someone they aren't happy about giving it to, whether it is reasonable or not. Some people leave all their money to a charity and their kids are left with nothing, it happens.

Your children, I think most decent people would feel a duty to leave them something given they have lost their father, but there it is, what can you do.

A lot of grandparents don't behave as we would wish, but ultimately they are only an essential component of the family unit if you choose to make them one. Just move on from this and treat it as something you can't change and ultimately doesn't matter.

I would not ask the SIL for a penny myself, if people want to play games let that influence die with them.

YABU but completely understandable

I'm with AndrewFogg.
It's do think it's a shame for your gc, but the sort of"fairness" MN'ers refer to is not relevant in this country, other than as a conversational point.

There is no entitlement to inheritance, so it cant really be "unfair", other than emotionally. Never plan your life expecting it is my motto.

I dont really understand why you are beholden to SIL, but might have missed something.

Of course you have no right to an inheritance. But the logical thing for me, if I'd had a dc who was deceased, would be to leave their share to their dc. I can understand why op is disappointed.

Me too, but not - obviously - for OP's MIL.

I understand the feelings too. I just think sometimes people place so much importance on potential inheritance, especially in these days of high value property, it means they may be fucked when it doesnt happen. Like this OP.

Always best to assume + plan your life as if you'll get nothing quite honestly -saves a lot of potential anguish + trouble. If you do then inherit, its a great bonus!

So many holes, so many inconstancies.

I don't get your outrage, OP. Your in-laws had a daughter and she is the obvious beneficiary. Why on earth would she not be?

I would personally challenge this for my children - as someone has said the norm is that it is 50 50 to children and then flows down to grandchildren in equal portions - there should be good reason not to do this - e,g, estrangement etc or where the other sibling had special needs etc.

But remember this is for the kids - not for you. So it would likely need to go into trust. But I would def look into having the will challanged - some might think that is wrong but you have to do what is best for the children and in this instance they are being denied and you have a resp to challenge that as they are minors. But you do run the risk of alienating SiL. Having said that she might agree and slit it that way anyway who knows

There is no entitlement to inheritance Well, there is, but only if the deceased dies intestate. Mil has made a will deliberately cutting out her grandchildren. Unless her daughter is especially needy, I don't know why she would do that.

Even if they didnt have a relationship with you but they still saw their GC then they should have left your DH's half to your children in trust IMHO

I agree. Its never ever a good idea to vaguely leave things for the beneficiary to sort out ...ie a verbal thing or at beneficiary discretion.

They lost their son - its an unusual situation, of course it is. Goodness, if god forbid my DD passed away and had DC there is no way I wouldnt leave them my DD share, even if I wasnt for some reason close to them, they lost a parents for goodness sake.

Op - the thing is - peoples wills are funny things....there is nothing you can do about this....my GP left my DF money and stuff and also us GC as well directly.

The only thing you can do - is ride your current feelings and then let it pass. Make sure your own will is strong and up to date etc.

I'm not "expecting" anything from my own mother when she dies let alone my MIL

and if you died you dont think it would be a nice gesture for your mum to pass your share to your dc?

Wow - there are some odd bods on here arnt there!

I agree with you tbh op, I don't get the others who are saying yabvvvu. I would not expect for myself, but yes, in your situation they should have left something in their will for your grandchildren. Its shitty!

op you'd have got a very different response if you'd asked 'to feel upset my children weren't included in their grandparents' will's you'd have got a different set of responses, but by expecting to be included yourself, it has given some posters the impression you are greedy and grasping. It would certainly be very unusual to assume that as an in-law you'd get a share.

I don't know why the grandparents left their whole estate to their daughter, perhaps they assumed that because she is unmarried and childfree she will leave her estate (including the money they left her) to her nieces and nephews.

I don't get your outrage, OP. Your in-laws had a daughter and she is the obvious beneficiary. Why on earth would she not be?

Because they also had a son, who has two dependents. The fact that he died prematurely doesn't mean his children also ceased to exist.

I agree it's shitty your children were not left anything. But unfortunately people don't often do the right or fair thing when it comes to inheritance but that's their prerogative. You can't do much about it, so try to move past it. My husband was recently left a large amount by a fairly distant relative, completely unexpectedly, so yes people are unpredictable..! You never know how someone feels about you I guess. So it's best not to have any expectations.

You're not beholden to your sister in law though, why do you think that? Are you trying to get her to give you some money? If not, she was no power over you surely.

My brother dyed a few years ago, and I know for a fact that my dad will leave half of everything to me, and half to my niece. I suspect he'll bypass my SIL, though, just because he wants it to benefit my niece directly. I don't expect him to leave anything to my son though.

On the other hand, it's their money to do with what they choose. I assume you kept in touch with them to build a relationship for your children, not to get your grubby mitts on their cash. So if your children had a good relationship with their grandparents, then you achieved your aim.

It doesn't sound like they 'adored their grandchildren' as the OP suggests....

YANBU I would feel the same too

To be fair, my mil, who is very very close to my hubby and children has it set up so it goes to my hubby. If he has died before her it goes half to his siblings and half to our children and that's a Nana thats very very close.

This happened to me. My dad died when I was a child, and my grandmother then left everything to her only other child. I haven't spent the rest of my life being bitter over it though. People can leave their stuff to whoever they want.

dad will leave half of everything to me, and half to my niece. I suspect he'll bypass my SIL, though, just because he wants it to benefit my niece directly.

With very good cause. The daughter in law could remarry and then predecease her second husband.