Dsc, new baby and maintenance

[Gildolann]

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

If my DH was made redundant it could take him months to find a new job because of the level he's at - especially if we didnt want to move as there were step children near by. I earned a lot more than the more junior roles he could get short term so if he'd been made redundant while I was pregnant, absolutely I'd have gone back and he'd have stayed at home.

I'd also react pretty badly to someone telling me I have to do something I was already going to do and acting like they were abusing me into it. Her comments were so vile that it would be hard to be the bigger person. I definitely wouldnt want her to feel her appauling behaviour got a result.

There is nothing in OPs posts to suggest dad ever had any intention of being a deadbeat. Yes they should have talked to ex but the fact she went to such a vile place doesnt suggest a good relationship.

Obviously theres no choice & it has to be paid but YANBU to feel differently about it.

@usernamealreadytaken I doubt XW doesn't work given the children are 12 and 15 - CM is rarely enough to support an entire household!

I agree that men should have an equal choice to stay at home and care for their children - but being a SAHP is a luxury that many, MANY people can't afford. OP's DH has a financial obligation to his children and unless he can fund CM another way, I would suggest that he can't afford to choose to be a SAHP.

Btw, the basic rate of maintenance for those not working is £7 a week. So not exactly a "reduced rate" but practically a non-existent rate. And the income of new partners/spouses is not taken into consideration. (They do take into account Child Tax Credits where this still applies - not sure about Universal Tax Credit.)

If he goes through with this, he is choosing to wash his hands of any financial obligation towards his first two children.

There is a huge difference between redundant looking for work and redundant planning to be a SAHD. And a dad who becomes a SAHD and allows the wage earner to take out her (understandable) anger at the mother of his children on those children themselves is a deadbeat dad in my book.

It should not be only women who have the choice to stay at home and care for their children.

When you have children from a previous relationship, you have an obligation to support them financially. It's not the same as being in a relationship with their mother and choosing to SAH while she works.

You can't just choose to SAH and look after your children with your new wife when that means your other children get no financial support.

How do we know the ex wife doesn't work? So many people assuming. She might already be working and the CM she receives could make a big difference especially if she is in a low paid job. I don't know many people that SAH when their DC are 12 and 15.

I think what the ex wife said to OP was horrible but CM is for the CHILDREN.

peachgreen I don't know if the rules have changed but when DH was paying CM, although my wages weren't directly taken in to account my income was as part of the household, ie it was seen that DH living expenses were lower because we were living together, so his protected amount was reduced I think.

@usernamealreadytaken Under the 2012 scheme, they don't take expenses into account (other than the existence of other children), only income. Yes, household income is taken into account but that is only tax credits - spousal income ISN'T counted as household income.

Op - you should not be paying for his kids. Whatever benefits he gets whilst being a SAHD (if any) should go to them.

I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

Quite agree. Any woman who wishes a miscarriage on another woman is not fit to be a mother themselves.

Ordinarily OP shouldn't be paying, no. But if they choose as a couple to have her as the earner and him as a SHZD, she needs to pay out of her salary. Otherwise, they can switch roles. He has responsibilities. He doesn't have the option of not meeting those.

Again, for the love of God. Stop taking out anger at the mother on her kids.

I'm sure the ex-wife does work! It would be impossible to survive on child maintenance alone, it's a very small fraction of the non-resident parent's salary!

Quite agree. Any woman who wishes a miscarriage on another woman is not fit to be a mother themselves.

Niether is any women who willingly puts a child in poverty because she does not like the childs mother

Scottishdiem, maybe the father of these kids would like some of their JOINT income to go to his kids. It isn't just the OP's decision unless you are saying that SAHPs don't have equal say over family funds.

That must have been very hurtful OP, but while what she said was inexcusable I can understand her anger and fear that her kids are about to be replaced by your dp's shiny new baby, and not only does she have to help her kids deal with this difficult change in their lives she is also now expecting to have to explain to them why their standard of living is about to drop and your dp's original family may be about to struggle financially.

She thinks she has been dumped right in it. I really hope she isn't right.

Many families cannot afford to make the decision to have a SAHP much as they would love to. If you're not willing to see this as family income which covers CM payments to the children who were here first and are your dp's responsibility to support and should be put first when planning whether to father more children, then he will need to find another job.

A side note: this plan would put a lot of pressure on you to go back to work rather fast after the baby, you may not feel ready or want to do that when you actually reach that point and I'd have every sympathy!

I think you sound abusive OP. What does your DH think about you saying you would not pay his CM if he stopped working? What would you do if he asks for equal access to your earnings, and then spends it on his eldest children? Are you going to tell him that he has no say in family finances?

*The idea that you stand over her, holding the purse strings on whether she receives the support she is DUE from the FATHER OF HER CHILDREN, and decides that as she's behaved badly she isn't going to get it - words fail.

Not your decision. Not his decision. If the maintenance isn't going to be there, he isn't in the position to be SAHD to the new child of the family, because the family have other children already who have needs.*

^^ exactly this!!

My ex and his dw did what you are considering to my dc, in my case he stopped paying for school meals which he had promised to do, unfortunately he did not tell me and left me with a massive bill to repay, he then got really annoyed with me when I told my dc why they could no longer have school dinners

do not punish the children to get at the ex, she said some nasty things and that is not on, but you and your dh need to act like adults and show them that they matter to him as much as your new baby

I am thoroughly depressed that this is even legal. You shouldn't be able to get out of paying CM by CHOOSING to become unemployed (e.g. a SAHD). It should be a financial commitment that you are legally required to meet unless you are unable to work

I know yet millions of both non resident and resident parents opt out of their financial obligations and working. There should be tough sanctions in place.

He has current financial responsibilities. If you are unwilling to help fund these responsibilities he should get a job like anyone else with obligations.

Those poor children.

Op appears to have buggered right off.

How lovely, another no-account, deadbeat parent who wheedles out of paying for his own kids. How attractive! Said no one ever.

Well dh spoke to her tonight and explained that if she apologises for the horrible and unnecessary m/c comment then everything will continue as normal re maintainance

I find it beyond sad that his fulfilling his responsibility towards his children is conditional on her 'good behaviour'.

Poor bloody kids.

Well dh spoke to her tonight and explained that if she apologises for the horrible and unnecessary m/c comment then everything will continue as normal re maintainance

Poor children. All three of them.

Actually, all four of them if you include yourself. Because you're acting like a kid, too.

It's his responsibility to support his kids regardless of the mother.

I find it beyond sad that his fulfilling his responsibility towards his children is conditional on her 'good behaviour

Yes it is quite controlling Miss