To be increasingly filled with seething resentment towards DH

[endofmytether1000]

WARNING: extremely long! I have NCed, am a regular MNetter.

DS is 5 months old. I am on ML from a very high pressure, very high paid job. DH also has a high pressure, very high paid job that he doesn't particularly like and causes him a lot of stress (but that he will not change as he is too scared to).

DS was an ivf pregnancy due to anovulatory PCOS, and I then had HG in pregnancy which was reasonably well controlled by meds so that I could keep working. I went into labour early (37w) on my final day of work before ML started (groan) and had a very long and complicated delivery culminating in a crash section losing 2L of blood with a bladder prolapse. I am ebf and since 14 weeks DS has refused to take much from a bottle.

Because I'm ebf I have done all night waking/feedings since birth which I've been happy to do, no point both of us being up etc etc. DS doesn't sleep much during he day (the dreaded 40 minute sleep cycle!) but has been a reasonable sleeper for the most part - 1-2 night wakings and quick to resettle.

HOWEVER, now things are changing and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my dh. Am too tired to make this coherent but a few "highlights" - sorry for length but trying not to drip feed

• DS has stopped being a reasonable sleeper/resettler and is now waking at midnight, 330am and 530am. He is not actually hungry but will ofc when held to my chest eventually go for my boob. DS has also started to fight against sleeping in his cot / he wants to sleep with us/on me! So it is taking c 1-1.5hrs to resettle him, which means the sleep time between feeds is more like 1-1.5hrs. DH sleeps through all night wakings with a pillow over his head, snoring heavily. If I shake him awake to help me with settling DS he will do so under great sufferance, and if he does get DS down in his cot he will immediately go back to bed with his pillow so that when DS cries out again (because he's not properly settled) I either have to go to him myself or shake dh awake again. So I end up just feeding DS as I can't really hold him off by myself. DH is such a heavy sleeper that he sets his alarm for eg 6am - it will go off, wake me up and then I have to shake dh awake. This morning I was awake from 330-530am and then dh's alarm went off at 6am and I had to wake him
• dh constantly tells me that "we really need to push DS to take the bottle" however will not do anything to help me - I tried to introduce a dream feed with a bottle but I would go up to bed at 1030/11 after expressing and dh would be asleep with his head under the pillow and refuse to wake up. Similarly he will not commit to being home for either the 7am or bedtime feed for eg 2 weeks to get DS used to a bottle. So I have to try to give it to DS myself and obviously he won't take it from me.
• on weekends I do almost all of the child care. Dh will take him if I specifically ask but only for the minimum amount of time I ask for (eg yesterday I asked him to look after DS whilst I had a "quick bath" - I was having a nice soak and after 40 minutes dh came up to the bathroom and said "I thought you were only having a quick soak, when will you be done?"). If I want him to look after DS for multiple periods he will claim he "has to do some work today" and disappear to his study.
• dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him.
• similarly I have to do anything related to DS care eg I am looking for a full time nanny at the moment and I am doing all searching, interviewing. I research the cot and all the various bits of kit he needs. &etc
• I do not get paid ML past the first 6 weeks (crap industry) yet I am still funding 50% of all our household expenses. This includes paying rent, all bills and expenses plus 50% of a mortgage on a house we are currently renovating and will move into. I have told dh that I think this is unfair and he keeps promising that we will "sort it out" but it is never the right time to talk about it
• our sex life is non existent as dh has lost his libido. We had sex once in the third trimester of my pregnancy and have had sex once since he was born. Before that it was slowly slipping to once a month territory. I am trying not to pressure dh but he literally has no interest in me at all and i find that really hard.

On the other hand, I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours. Dh keeps saying "get more help" but it is difficult to find part time help plus ofc DS doesn't take a bottle so it doesn't really free me to do much during the day as I always have to be available to feed.

All this is coming to a head I think because I now have chronic sleep deprivation - I haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep since DS was born and the last 3 weeks not more than 1.5 hours at a time. I had zero maternity leave pre baby (literally went from office to hospital) and had a very stressful run up to leaving plus ofc was still vomiting from the HG so was not well rested going into this. Plus I have had a very slow recovery from my section and have not been able to do sufficient amounts of exercise to help that. I feel like I am doing childcare 24/7, shouldering 50% of my financial obligations and do not have a functioning marital relationship, whilst my husband basically continues with his pre kids life and is perfectly happy. I am going back to work in 6 weeks and am beyond stressed about it. Sometimes when I am trying to settle DS at night and he is snoring next to me I want to commit violence. But I also know i am hormonal and sleep deprived so am not sure what to do about it.

Not sure what I really want from this post other than somewhere to vent! Thank you for making it this far :)

Wow I sincerely hope that some of you never become MILs if that's the kind of advice you're dosing out.

OP seems to be coping as well as expected, if not better, for someone who has had a very traumatic birth with extensive surgery and very poor sleep for 14 weeks.

Becoming a DM doesn't mean that you can survive on zero sleep. Nor does it mean that you become the world expert on how to care for a baby.

It's a horrible realisation when you realise that the person you love and trusted more than anything else in the world is prepared to put their own needs before yours and before the DCs - particularly when up to that point you've always been equal.

But like I say sort out your own sleep first. Separate bedrooms - not so that you learn the ancient motherly art of surviving on 4 hours sleep because that is apparently what all mothers must learn to do ( fathers do not have the appropriate genitalia to survive without sleep apparently) but because both yourself and DS will be less disturbed and he might learn better sleep patterns.
Your DH therefore has no excuse not to take him for at least one night at the weekend and bring him through for feeds.

Re the bottle feeding. Perhaps it is more realistic to tell your DH that you expect him to be home for 7pm 2/3 nights per week rather than every night. That way he'll be more into an equitable routine for when you go back to work as he'll be used to leaving on time half the week and you will do the other nights.

Huge sympathies OP, the first period is hard but it will get easier.

One of the most depressing things about threads like this is realising how many unkind men there are.

Of course my uterus doesn't contract when my child is in pain. And if you are regularly experiencing cramps I seriously think you should see your GP because something sounds wrong there.

If I were you I'd sleep in a separate room and co-sleep - you'll get more sleep and hopefully be able to have more reasoned discussions about the other issues.

I EBF and DD wouldn't take a bottle, DH didn't do any of the nights while I was on maternity leave but I made it very very clear that when I went back to work the nights were to become 50:50. DH didn't particularly like that, but he couldn't really argue with the logic of it. Plus I made it clear that if I was going back to work full-time, DH was going to do half the pick-ups/drop-offs; half of any time-off needed because DD was sick; half of the bedtimes/bathtimes; half of cooking dinner etc.

I think you need to stop spoon-feeding him - don't leave clothes out for him to put on your DS. Tell him "I'm sure you'll work it out" so that he has to work it out. You'll have to accept that he'll get it wrong sometimes and not get worked up about it, but he won't learn if you do all the thinking for him - he'll just become reliant on you doing all the thinking for him.

I completely agree we are conditioned to such a response! But how? Through doing every bloody thing in the first place, whether via societal expectations or trying to fulfil practical needs. When the initial adrenaline rush is over, the world comes crashing down and we need to readjust according to our own different setups. OP sounds like a girl with a head on her shoulders -- she'll work it out.

And whoever said OP is spoilt is nuts. The poor woman is a perfectionist (I recognise myself in you, OP!) and earning a decent living doesn't make her a bad person or prevent her from having problems!

@alltouchout I must be very sensitive, my womb was like a swing in the first few months, but then it was stretched to buggery by twins and I ended up having so much milk I had to donate it.

Ffs she's not a perfectionist, she just wants her husband to pull his weight!!!

Sorry if this isn't helpful, but I don't think it can be stressed enough what a massive dick your husband is, and how unacceptable the situation is.

Right. I'm back. Ironically feeling a bit more human as it was so nice to be in adult mode at work for a little bit.

So many pages of advice, thank you all! Hard to respond to everyone but just a few clarifications and thoughts:

• the financial stuff is a bit of a red herring - we are not strapped for cash, we both earn well in excess of what we need to maintain our lifestyle (either of us could completely support the other for years without blinking an eyelid) and I can more than afford to keep contributing, it's the principle of the thing. DH is most certainly NOT financially abusive, we have a joint account and then separate finances at my request (was brought up by a mother who urged me to always retain control of my own money). We pool household expenses and then manage our own investments in accordance with an agreed joint allocation strategy. (Incidentally as part of that strategy dh has transferred an extremely significant amount of money into my name for tax planning purposes.) I just feel that it adds to my sense of injustice that I am putting in more than my fair share atm. You are all right that this is easily addressed, so I shall sort it out

• failing as a parent. Perhaps I am. I don't feel like I'm failing as a parent. I suppose it depends on your definition of failing. I have a very active, spirited DS who has a couple of very specific issues. He has defied not just me but 2x nannies, 2x HVs and various relatives (on the bottle issue I went out one day and left him with my mother - he went 8 hours refusing to eat before I cracked and came home as I was worried he would dehydrate). He is a stubborn little bugger. But is also charming, bright, social, developmentally ahead of where he should be, and curious about the world - the latter characteristic is I think why we struggle with sleep a bit, he just wants to be up and about! Every single health professional who has seen him has commented on how wonderful and sparky he is. I am happy with my little munchkin and if him taking a bit longer to sleep through the night means I am failing then so be it.
• one of my definite "failings" as a sahm is that I find it very difficult to concentrate on other things when DS is awake. I do stick him in one of those newborn high chair inserts with a toy whilst I try to eg get some stuff done on the laptop but I find him very distracting - I end up singing to him, talking to him and generally interacting with him, which is lovely but not conducive to getting things done!
• we don't have family support. My family are very happy to do lots but live very far (000s of miles) away, and his live close but are not prepared to so much as babysit for an hour. His mother is of the opinion that he should not be doing anything - She thinks it's ridiculous that dh does all nappy changing when he's around and is constantly ringing to check he is getting enough sleep . Dh had a v traditional upbringing - nannies, off to boarding school at 8 etc - which ironically have caused some of his communication issues today. So I am fighting against his family's expectation in some ways.

Re my DH. I am glad that most of you think he is being a bit of a prick. It is most definitely not a LTB situation - as someone up there said, we are both adjusting. He is also not failing to bond with DS, they do spend lovely time together and DH is smitten with him. He just finds actually caring for him exhausting I do believe his intentions are good but we seem to have quickly fallen into unhealthy habits in terms of responsibilities and communication.

For those who asked yes he is probably mildly (and I do mean mildly) depressed. This predates the birth. However he is not prepared to do anything about it (eg I have been nagging him for YEARS to exercise 3 times a week as this is pretty much the first thing a doctor will suggest but he won't/can't do it) and I cannot fix that for him. Nor does it excuse acting like an asshat. But he definitely has issues he needs to resolve.

In terms of what to do going forward, all your posts have been very helpful for me to sort out what I'm really angry about and what is just surface sleep deprived noise. I think I will write him an email and lay out what my issues are and what I need from him. We can then talk. I agree with many of you who have questioned why he needs to be spoon fed to this degree and I fucking well agree with you! but I also take neo's point (as offensively as it was expressed) that I have to deal with the actual man I have, not a hypothetical situation.

Lastly, I think once I return to work much of this will come out in the wash as I have a full on job that involves travel etc and dh will
simply have to step up. As an aside, I am working on him to take shared paternity leave for a few weeks/months when I go back as I do believe most of this stems from him just not really having the brain space to engage with what raising a child means, and a few months at home would allow him to get that understanding plus hopefully get some perspective on his work/life too.

You sound lovely (I meant that seriously, not in a MN passive-aggressive way). Do stop waking him up, though!

Ps I couldn't give a fuck if dh dressed ds in an inside out clown costume every day, I merely proffer the clothes stuff as examples of why I think he is taking the piss as he is simply not that stupid so something else is going on

You sound very focused endof - well done for taking the best and leaving the worst from this thread

There is no right or wrong split of parenting as long as it works for everyone in the family and i'm sure you'll sort it out. I was/am the main 'parenty' parent and did all the nights/housework etc but I did it with the knowledge that my husband thought i was a complete hero and was so grateful I could do it all so he could get sleep and continue to do his job well and maximise our income. We are equals and a team so the split of who does what doesn't matter - i'm sure you can get the balance right (and of course everything will get better when DC starts sleeping a little longer!) Good Luck!

Very well put @fauxfox. I fully agree.

My kids are teenagers and despite DH being a loving, very involved dad he just doesn't remember food (and other) preferences and individual dislikes and likes. They make their opinions known quite vocally but he just doesn't retain this knowledge and then gets mildly annoyed when they turn their noses up at something he's cooked. I have no idea why this happens. I suppose I was used to accommodating their needs from when they were young as I was a SAHM but I am just baffled why this sort of knowledge goes over his head.

Op you need to make him realise the importance of stepping up and you need to enforce it. He sounds a fundamentally decent guy so educate him and don't let him fall back into old habits.

OP - you poor thing, there's a reason why sleep deprivation is a torture technique

I have to agree with much of what user1495390685 has said, the first thing you need is to sort out sleep. Without adequate sleep you cannot see the woods for the trees. I've seen so many women drive themselves completely potty doing extended EBF trying to cope on sub-par sleep. There comes a point where you have to ask your self - at what cost?

This will not be popular advice but cracking bottle feeding is probably the best solution to your most immediate problem. And your husband is going to have to help you with this. Your baby will not choose to starve, if boob is not given he will take a bottle. You have to be strong on that.

Despite having a very helpful and caring husband, I found EBF so so hard, even with cosleeping. As soon as I switched to bottles and got some solid sleep the brain fog lifted.

And once you are no longer EBF your husband is going to have to step up to the mark and take over some of the feeds on weekends and in the evenings when he's home from work. Once you're both back at work it'll have to be 50/50 everything, he needs to get used to that.

I can see the logic in you doing all the nightfeeds as you're on ML - I did the same. I did all the nightfeeds on Mat Leave but as soon as I went back to work at 6 months everything was split.

When you are used to being in complete control of everything, that all problems can be solved with enough research and effort, parenting comes as a shock. It did to me. The baby you describe was mine and while they are all different the kinds of things we find difficult come at a variety of stages in parenting. Some find teenagers impossible but I struggled with the baby stage in all the ways you have.
I also had a DH who worked long hours in a stressful job. He was fabulous with both DC if a bit clueless.
What I did differently with DC2 was to have longer off work.

It seems to me that one simple thing that could help would be Separate rooms - as far apart as the house permits. Utterly pointless you being woken up by his alarm. Buy a vibrating / light up alarm. Let him sleep through a few times just as you would a teenager.

OP my experience after first DC was very very very similar to this.

It was like we were both going along, had a baby and suddenly my life was a massive car crash. My DH just kept driving on down the same old road apparently oblivious. I couldn't understand why he couldn't understand that we had to redraw our whole lives and our whole relationship. Babies change everything.

I ended up actively disliking him and feeling pure contempt at times. (We're OK now, but it was bloody touch and go!) I really hope you can avoid getting to that point.

One of the issues was EXACTLY what you said - he has a bloody PhD; why can he not dole out calpol correctly? - which made it harder abd harder for me to give him control of the work he needed to do in the house to help out with DH. I figured out letting him do it his way.

This book is helpful: tiffanydufu.com/drop-the-ball/ (sorry to suggest reading a book to a sleep-deprived mother.)

Also: and [tea]

On the bottle issue I went out one day and left him with my mother - he went 8 hours refusing to eat before I cracked and came home as I was worried he would dehydrate

I would try a cup, rather than a bottle - lots of EBF babies seem to object to a bottle nipple because they are used to the real thing . Also worth trying (boiled, cooled) water as sometimes - weirdly - they will take that better than milk when EBF.

At 5 months, some babies would be sleeping through the night, so 8 hours without liquid is actually fine but, if worried, you or whoever has him could try dribbling water into his mouth via syringe - like for babies with gastroenteritis. Info on how to do it here though the quantities are for a newborn, so you need to adjust up.

endofmytether1000 you sound like a great mum.

but on this: He has defied not just me but 2x nannies, 2x HVs and various relatives (on the bottle issue I went out one day and left him with my mother - he went 8 hours refusing to eat before I cracked and came home as I was worried he would dehydrate). He is a stubborn little bugger.

You have to be a more stubborn little bugger. Being a parent is often a battle of wills.

You being distracted by him made me feel all warm inside! That's the sign of a GREAT MUM, not one who is failing at parenting my dear!

I know you think that the bottle thing is an issue you can't solve, but it will resolve at some point. I do think you just need to do whatever it takes to get the sleep you and DS need, and if that is co-sleeping, sleeping in another room, so be it.

Yes to cracking the bottle, your H will absolutely have to help here as DS will see you as a milk machine if you are the only one who does this.

the first year is by far the worst, it DOES get better, honestly it does.

I wonder could the waking and refusing to settle be teeth? have you tried teething powders?

you also said: DH just finds actually caring for him exhausting

Your H has not been cared for himself, your description of his upbringing sounds pretty bleak. So everything he sees you doing, or being asked to do himself is in his eyes unnecessary.

Could you all get out and about with DS in a carrier for a walk at the weekends? Could you look for places to get out to? Swimming pool for example? It really helps babies sleep and will give DH a bit of exercise to give those endorphins a shake up?

Another thing you could do is to extend the nannies time over more days/hours to allow you to get some zzzzz

Expecting an EBF baby to take a bottle is unrealistic. Cup feeding us the way forward.

No it's not NeoTrad, mine did and he was EBF.

Your experience doesn't negate the fact that all babies will drink from a cup but that breastfed babies often dislike bottle teats (which are very weird things, if you take the time to think about it!).

On the bottle issue, ds1 absolutely refused to take a bottle right up until the time i went back to work (6 mo). My mum looked after him. Day 1 he took 1 oz (over about 8 attempts), day 2 2 oz, day 3, 4, 3-4oz, day 5 he just gave up and accepted the bottle when I wasn't around (but not from me, for months).

So such stubbornness a period of adjustment is not unusual

Nor does it negate the fact that she should try bottle again. A baby will not get the volume of liquids it needs if it's drinking from a cup.