To be increasingly filled with seething resentment towards DH

[endofmytether1000]

WARNING: extremely long! I have NCed, am a regular MNetter.

DS is 5 months old. I am on ML from a very high pressure, very high paid job. DH also has a high pressure, very high paid job that he doesn't particularly like and causes him a lot of stress (but that he will not change as he is too scared to).

DS was an ivf pregnancy due to anovulatory PCOS, and I then had HG in pregnancy which was reasonably well controlled by meds so that I could keep working. I went into labour early (37w) on my final day of work before ML started (groan) and had a very long and complicated delivery culminating in a crash section losing 2L of blood with a bladder prolapse. I am ebf and since 14 weeks DS has refused to take much from a bottle.

Because I'm ebf I have done all night waking/feedings since birth which I've been happy to do, no point both of us being up etc etc. DS doesn't sleep much during he day (the dreaded 40 minute sleep cycle!) but has been a reasonable sleeper for the most part - 1-2 night wakings and quick to resettle.

HOWEVER, now things are changing and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my dh. Am too tired to make this coherent but a few "highlights" - sorry for length but trying not to drip feed

• DS has stopped being a reasonable sleeper/resettler and is now waking at midnight, 330am and 530am. He is not actually hungry but will ofc when held to my chest eventually go for my boob. DS has also started to fight against sleeping in his cot / he wants to sleep with us/on me! So it is taking c 1-1.5hrs to resettle him, which means the sleep time between feeds is more like 1-1.5hrs. DH sleeps through all night wakings with a pillow over his head, snoring heavily. If I shake him awake to help me with settling DS he will do so under great sufferance, and if he does get DS down in his cot he will immediately go back to bed with his pillow so that when DS cries out again (because he's not properly settled) I either have to go to him myself or shake dh awake again. So I end up just feeding DS as I can't really hold him off by myself. DH is such a heavy sleeper that he sets his alarm for eg 6am - it will go off, wake me up and then I have to shake dh awake. This morning I was awake from 330-530am and then dh's alarm went off at 6am and I had to wake him
• dh constantly tells me that "we really need to push DS to take the bottle" however will not do anything to help me - I tried to introduce a dream feed with a bottle but I would go up to bed at 1030/11 after expressing and dh would be asleep with his head under the pillow and refuse to wake up. Similarly he will not commit to being home for either the 7am or bedtime feed for eg 2 weeks to get DS used to a bottle. So I have to try to give it to DS myself and obviously he won't take it from me.
• on weekends I do almost all of the child care. Dh will take him if I specifically ask but only for the minimum amount of time I ask for (eg yesterday I asked him to look after DS whilst I had a "quick bath" - I was having a nice soak and after 40 minutes dh came up to the bathroom and said "I thought you were only having a quick soak, when will you be done?"). If I want him to look after DS for multiple periods he will claim he "has to do some work today" and disappear to his study.
• dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him.
• similarly I have to do anything related to DS care eg I am looking for a full time nanny at the moment and I am doing all searching, interviewing. I research the cot and all the various bits of kit he needs. &etc
• I do not get paid ML past the first 6 weeks (crap industry) yet I am still funding 50% of all our household expenses. This includes paying rent, all bills and expenses plus 50% of a mortgage on a house we are currently renovating and will move into. I have told dh that I think this is unfair and he keeps promising that we will "sort it out" but it is never the right time to talk about it
• our sex life is non existent as dh has lost his libido. We had sex once in the third trimester of my pregnancy and have had sex once since he was born. Before that it was slowly slipping to once a month territory. I am trying not to pressure dh but he literally has no interest in me at all and i find that really hard.

On the other hand, I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours. Dh keeps saying "get more help" but it is difficult to find part time help plus ofc DS doesn't take a bottle so it doesn't really free me to do much during the day as I always have to be available to feed.

All this is coming to a head I think because I now have chronic sleep deprivation - I haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep since DS was born and the last 3 weeks not more than 1.5 hours at a time. I had zero maternity leave pre baby (literally went from office to hospital) and had a very stressful run up to leaving plus ofc was still vomiting from the HG so was not well rested going into this. Plus I have had a very slow recovery from my section and have not been able to do sufficient amounts of exercise to help that. I feel like I am doing childcare 24/7, shouldering 50% of my financial obligations and do not have a functioning marital relationship, whilst my husband basically continues with his pre kids life and is perfectly happy. I am going back to work in 6 weeks and am beyond stressed about it. Sometimes when I am trying to settle DS at night and he is snoring next to me I want to commit violence. But I also know i am hormonal and sleep deprived so am not sure what to do about it.

Not sure what I really want from this post other than somewhere to vent! Thank you for making it this far :)

Stop excusing crap behaviour with the idea they're 'wired differently'
This
Might just as well say men are from Mars women are from Venus
Self serving psycho babble 🙄

Self serving psycho babble
My apologies if it came across as psycho babble. Here is an example of how our brains really are wired differently. I know the BBC is full of crap, but here is a link anyway.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-25198063

There is a lot in your post and some of it YABU and others your most definitely aren't!

IMO, if you aren't working and are on ML AND you have a PT nanny then you should do the night wakings - particularly during the week. And you should also have time to search for a nanny. Your DH is working 5 days a week in what you admit is a highly stressful job. Do you really expect him to also search for a nanny? This stuff falls into your domain and if you don't feel able to do it when your DS is awake (why? he's 5 months old - he's not even crawling! Put him in the bouncer with a toy and get on your laptop).

Again, if you don't have time to exercise I question why? You're home with a small baby - they don't that much stimulation and attention. Put him in the bouncer or a baby carrier or a pram and go for a walk, or when your PT nanny is there for 8 hours a week do your exercises.

The stuff he's being an arse about is everything else. The bills, etc, you should not be paying if you have no income. Change your direct debit orders RIGHT NOW, tell him you're doing so and tell him to fucking well sort it out.

As for his sex drive - well I suspect that there is a lot going on here and I'm going to guess he might be a bit like my DH was after both our kids were born, but particularly DS2. My DH felt very overwhelmed by the financial responsibility of carrying the whole family on his own. Add to that job pressure and disturbed sleep and you've got a guy who is actually feeling pretty low. My DH took St John's Wort for his low mood while our DC were young. I wanted him to go and see the GP and take ADs. He didn't. I wish he had. We did still have sex, but nowhere near as much as we did before kids, but low mood and low sex drive go hand in hand. Try and talk to him about it, if you can. Try to keep your statements non-accusatory.

As for him being fucking useless with your DS - the best advice I can give you is to book a hair appointment on a Sat morning and just leave him to it. Like you learned how to care for your DS, he will if given a chance without you hovering over him. Seriously - give him a chance to get his hands dirty.

I don't think ds2 ever read the manual that mentioned he wasn't supposed to wake in the night at 5 months :o

I don't think ds2 ever read the manual that mentioned he wasn't supposed to wake in the night at 5 months

No mine didn't either, but that's because I was a shit parent and unable to cope with the basic requirements of parenthood. Apparently.

And it's all very well telling OP to buy in more help but that would probably be one more thing her husband would expect her to pay for with zero income.

I found it very hard having a baby that didn't do "what the books said would do if you do XYZ, then baby will do ABC.." in my case not sleep for 4.5yrs which is a horrendous killer. Especially when your used to having a high level job where you can do X, and Y happens or someone else makes it happen. It destroyed my self confidence. Ironically I was better once back at work as I "felt like" I had a more equal footing in the relationship and agreed with DH how we work as a team with our non-sleeping child & household chores. Once baby was weaned and I stopped BF at 9 mths I felt I could leave her with someone else with more confidence (she never took a bottle (oh we tried lots!!) we just moved straight into a sippy cup & normal cups with a drinking straw). Once I was back at work we took it in turns to be the nominated person on "night" duty and the other parent slept on the sofa with earplugs - this was a life saver for me as I could get a full sleep at least 3n a week. We shared weekends.

That DD is now 10 and a dream but super active sporty non-stop daughter. My second DD slept ...no different parenting just a very different child.

No, that's an example of one study that is being queried. It's not an excuse for poor parenting.

It took us 3 goes to have a baby that actually slept. The older two not only didn't read the damn manual, they ripped it up laughing like demons as they did it..

OP, I totally sympathise. Sleep deprivation is a cruel thing - it took me 7 months to feel at all 'normal' after my DC1 was born (as soon as she started sleeping for long stretches and I finally got some sleep).
It's all coming to a head now because you're about to go back to work, trying to find a nanny (stressful!) and have had 5 months of little sleep. Your husband could be more helpful at the weekends and the general incompetence is so ridiculous but common (I have this with my DP!). But I think you'd still be feeling like this even if he was more supportive - because having a bottle refusing/sleep refusing 5 month old is v v hard! Assume that you don't have any help from parents or parents in law? That can makes huge difference, but sadly many people don't live near relatives. My mum passed away a few years ago and I remember feeling jealous of others who had lots of support form their mums. In your situation I would definitely pay for more help.

As you are going back to work, all of this (apart from your sex life!) is a short term problem, so try to focus on that for the next few weeks. Be more forceful with your DP to look after his DC at weekends. Soon you will have a nanny whilst you are at work, your DC will be weaning and will probably start to sleep better (most babies settle into better sleeping patterns around 6-7 months).
Good luck and hopefully things will be much improved in a couple of months time - going back to work will feel like a rest!!

Userindistinguishablebunchofnumbers
From your link We know that there is no such thing as 'hard wiring' when it comes to brain connections. Connections can change throughout life, in response to experience and learning

@user1495390685 it's this study, right?
The abstract says that Overall, the results suggest that male brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action, whereas female brains are designed to facilitate communication between analytical and intuitive processing modes. That, to me, says nothing about men being unable to take an equal role in the care of their own child.

I would find it hard to impossible to love someone who saw I was struggling and made it worse not better.

If you're so strapped for cash, how come you can afford a nanny despite the fact you're on ml?? You sound very spoilt, of course the person at home should do the childcare, that's why you're at home!

Exactly, motherinferior. I don't understand people who can just watch someone suffer and stand by, let alone people who then try to make it worse (and they must be trying because it's only instinctive to behave like that towards an enemy).

I was making a point that it's not wrong to say that our brains are wired differently. Why is it that mothers always wake up first when a child cries? Why is it that your womb contracts when you see your child is in pain? Why is it that your boobs squirt milk when you see your baby's face? We ARE different.

It absolutely doesn't excuse poor behaviour, and god only knows, I am dealing with a similar case at home. I am a "I'll just get on with it" kind-of-person. And before you guys jump down my neck, I don't think this is healthy either. It is much better to thrive in an equal partnership, but I would love to know how many people out there can actually say they are in an equal partnership. I used to naively believe we can share everything until children came along:-) I have simply worked out that to get where I want to get I need to make certain sacrifices along the way. But I agree, if you really get zero out of a relationship, then you should question why you are there.

I think OP's partner is being crap, but how she takes control is another matter. Definitely rest first, then reassess everything. Decisions made in the blur of no sleep are never good!

Why is it that mothers always wake up first when a child cries?
Not the case for every family.

Why is it that your womb contracts when you see your child is in pain?
If mine does, I have no knowledge of it happening.

Why is it that your boobs squirt milk when you see your baby's face?
I've spent 7 years of my life breastfeeding so far and I've never experienced the let down reflex from seeing any of my children's faces. Hearing any baby cry, in the first few months- yes, it happens then. But not simply from seeing my dc.

Phew, I feel for you endof.

Whilst I can't comment on baby related things, I do know about caring 24/7 and the toll of sleep deprivation.

I would advise doing anything you can to help you get more sleep. Whatever the cost... and make sure your DH knows you will both be paying. Nannies/ house help, a holiday with a nanny?! Anything. It will be money well spent if you can catch up and feel better, plus if you get on with the nanny you will benefit from a sense of solidarity where your DH sounds like he is letting you down.

Try not to begruge the expense, you have clearly worked hard to earn your well paid job and being able to spend money on the things that you need, or that make life easier is surely the point of all that work :)

First step has to be separate rooms, or sleep in with the nanny!

Whatever the future with your DH and the money situation, you need to look after yourself and your baby NOW..as well as possible, by any means possible.

Re your feelings about your DH; I think you have every right to be frustrated with him but also the desperation of sleep deprivation ,and the rage that can come with it is going to be making this so much more intense. Think of a few really important things that you want him to do/ change/ focus on right away then try to reserve judgement on anything else until you have got some more sleep. Not storing things up as a grudge but just thinking of this time as 'first aid'. The bigger decisions can come in a few weeks time. As others have said he may be a huge disappointment to you now, but maybe he will get a grip in time, and hopefully he can make it up to you in the future.

Sleep is the key endof. I really hope you can find a way to get some rest and respite

You sound very spoilt, of course the person at home should do the childcare, that's why you're at home!

Why is it that your boobs squirt milk when you see your baby's face

Mine didn't.

Should they have?!?!

the brain is extremely plastic, constantly changing or being 'rewired' in response to what we experience
The phrase wired is unhelpful as it suggested a fixed condition, in fact the brain is in perpetual flux

Yes the OP is really spoilt, she's married to someone who gave their baby a double dose of medication because he expected her to think for him rather than read the dosage clearly stated on the packaging himself. Someone who can't be bothered to find his own child's clothes and isn't even capable of getting himself up in the morning. She's spoilt alright
Or is it possible that some of the harsh responses here are because she's committed the crime of admitting they have money?

User - well two of those things it is physically only possible for a mother to do as men don't lactate or have a uterus. The other one is shit - I'm the working parent and DH is the SAHD - when our babies were still looked after in the main by me, I woke for them. Now it's DH that does that, he wakes. I don't even stir. It's conditioning to your circumstances not evidence of our brains being different.

OP your husband is a fuckwit. You've had some great advice here, make sure you ignore NeoTad in particular.

I think you're having a really rough time with no sleep... and I don't mean to sound trite, but welcome to motherhood. We've all been there, really.
It's a complete shock to the system isn't it? I have to admit I really just dragged myself through the first year.

I think you're expecting too much from your DH.
IMe they're great with kids, pretty useless with babies. These early days are in reality the fourth trimester.

I'm afraid you're not going to see him equally co parent at this stage, nor is it fair to wake him, just because you are up. He's still working everyday in the office and needs his wits about him. Sorry if that seems unfair or harsh sounding.

Look at it this way, if you have the money just buy the help you need, including a lactation consultant.

Be kind to each other.
When the baby's weaning you'll be able to leave your DH to it, the more he does the more he'll get used to doing. Small babies are another matter I think.

Babies should come with health warnings: they're more like grenades really. And mothers are pretty much alone in the direct firing line for the fourth trimester.

Which is why MN is here.

Or is it possible that some of the harsh responses here are because she's committed the crime of admitting they have money?

This. Lot of sour grapes going on here I suspect.

Under do women get let off parenting duties on the basis they're just a bit crap with babies?

FFS, why do we infantilise men? Don't we want our daughters to expect the bare minimum from their future partners? Don't we want our sons to be competent fathers?