To be increasingly filled with seething resentment towards DH

[endofmytether1000]

WARNING: extremely long! I have NCed, am a regular MNetter.

DS is 5 months old. I am on ML from a very high pressure, very high paid job. DH also has a high pressure, very high paid job that he doesn't particularly like and causes him a lot of stress (but that he will not change as he is too scared to).

DS was an ivf pregnancy due to anovulatory PCOS, and I then had HG in pregnancy which was reasonably well controlled by meds so that I could keep working. I went into labour early (37w) on my final day of work before ML started (groan) and had a very long and complicated delivery culminating in a crash section losing 2L of blood with a bladder prolapse. I am ebf and since 14 weeks DS has refused to take much from a bottle.

Because I'm ebf I have done all night waking/feedings since birth which I've been happy to do, no point both of us being up etc etc. DS doesn't sleep much during he day (the dreaded 40 minute sleep cycle!) but has been a reasonable sleeper for the most part - 1-2 night wakings and quick to resettle.

HOWEVER, now things are changing and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my dh. Am too tired to make this coherent but a few "highlights" - sorry for length but trying not to drip feed

• DS has stopped being a reasonable sleeper/resettler and is now waking at midnight, 330am and 530am. He is not actually hungry but will ofc when held to my chest eventually go for my boob. DS has also started to fight against sleeping in his cot / he wants to sleep with us/on me! So it is taking c 1-1.5hrs to resettle him, which means the sleep time between feeds is more like 1-1.5hrs. DH sleeps through all night wakings with a pillow over his head, snoring heavily. If I shake him awake to help me with settling DS he will do so under great sufferance, and if he does get DS down in his cot he will immediately go back to bed with his pillow so that when DS cries out again (because he's not properly settled) I either have to go to him myself or shake dh awake again. So I end up just feeding DS as I can't really hold him off by myself. DH is such a heavy sleeper that he sets his alarm for eg 6am - it will go off, wake me up and then I have to shake dh awake. This morning I was awake from 330-530am and then dh's alarm went off at 6am and I had to wake him
• dh constantly tells me that "we really need to push DS to take the bottle" however will not do anything to help me - I tried to introduce a dream feed with a bottle but I would go up to bed at 1030/11 after expressing and dh would be asleep with his head under the pillow and refuse to wake up. Similarly he will not commit to being home for either the 7am or bedtime feed for eg 2 weeks to get DS used to a bottle. So I have to try to give it to DS myself and obviously he won't take it from me.
• on weekends I do almost all of the child care. Dh will take him if I specifically ask but only for the minimum amount of time I ask for (eg yesterday I asked him to look after DS whilst I had a "quick bath" - I was having a nice soak and after 40 minutes dh came up to the bathroom and said "I thought you were only having a quick soak, when will you be done?"). If I want him to look after DS for multiple periods he will claim he "has to do some work today" and disappear to his study.
• dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him.
• similarly I have to do anything related to DS care eg I am looking for a full time nanny at the moment and I am doing all searching, interviewing. I research the cot and all the various bits of kit he needs. &etc
• I do not get paid ML past the first 6 weeks (crap industry) yet I am still funding 50% of all our household expenses. This includes paying rent, all bills and expenses plus 50% of a mortgage on a house we are currently renovating and will move into. I have told dh that I think this is unfair and he keeps promising that we will "sort it out" but it is never the right time to talk about it
• our sex life is non existent as dh has lost his libido. We had sex once in the third trimester of my pregnancy and have had sex once since he was born. Before that it was slowly slipping to once a month territory. I am trying not to pressure dh but he literally has no interest in me at all and i find that really hard.

On the other hand, I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours. Dh keeps saying "get more help" but it is difficult to find part time help plus ofc DS doesn't take a bottle so it doesn't really free me to do much during the day as I always have to be available to feed.

All this is coming to a head I think because I now have chronic sleep deprivation - I haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep since DS was born and the last 3 weeks not more than 1.5 hours at a time. I had zero maternity leave pre baby (literally went from office to hospital) and had a very stressful run up to leaving plus ofc was still vomiting from the HG so was not well rested going into this. Plus I have had a very slow recovery from my section and have not been able to do sufficient amounts of exercise to help that. I feel like I am doing childcare 24/7, shouldering 50% of my financial obligations and do not have a functioning marital relationship, whilst my husband basically continues with his pre kids life and is perfectly happy. I am going back to work in 6 weeks and am beyond stressed about it. Sometimes when I am trying to settle DS at night and he is snoring next to me I want to commit violence. But I also know i am hormonal and sleep deprived so am not sure what to do about it.

Not sure what I really want from this post other than somewhere to vent! Thank you for making it this far :)

Neo and Fate - I'm finding your post bullying now. I'm glad you are either perfect mothers or have been lucky enough to have perfect children. I'm sure your posts are really helpful to OP

The man put his kids clothes on backward and inside out! He gave double the dose of calpol! FFS, this is not the mother having unrealistic expectations

SHE IS PAYING HALF OF EVERYTHING. Not 'relying on his contribution'.

Hello, this is my very first post as you have inspired me to join Mumsnet! I can totally hear my own situation six years ago, and can recommend a few things that worked.

1. EBF is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do (repeated mastitis, skin regularly coming off the nipples, zero sleep -- I had twins and expressed every three hours). I managed to continue till 8 months and have to tell you, now with six years' hindsight, I would stop earlier. I was mad enough to make mashed potato with breast milk, FFS! The first six months produce the most benefit, you are almost there and have done an amazing job. Set a deadline and start cutting back. Freeze some if it makes you feel better. I know you want everything to be perfect and right, but the benefits are so marginal at this stage, and the cost on your health and sanity is too great!

1. I am assuming you are feeding BM through a bottle already? Is it formula that he is rejecting? If so, start mixing it in a little by little. I would not faff with having to mix power, buy ready-made cartons to save time and slowly get him used to the taste mixed with BM. Also try different bottles. We had to go through about 10 different types: they eventually took to MAM.

1. Men. How long do I have. They are generally scared of babies and pretty useless at that stage (with exceptions of course, but there are few of them out there!) You sound like you were in control in your job, you have to do the same here. Sorry. Mine wouldn't walk them without me in case something happened. They are not wired the same way. I thought mine would be different, but he wasn't.

1. Get a cleaner, and a more hours' help. That said, our nanny was useless, but I had to rely on her to get back to work (at 9 months). You guessed it -- the money I allocated to the ML ran out. You have to suck it up and dip into your savings. It feels unfair, but I don't think it really is.

1. You can use a night nanny to get a little help, when you are really desperate. They are expensive, so I guess use them only when you are collapsing.

1. Sleep. I heard that Norland nannies are taught to sleep in 45 min cycles. That is, you will feel more rested if you wake yourself up 45 min after falling asleep than after an hour. Set your phone alarm to do this in the day. It is a short-term solution but will rejuvenate you a little.

1. The baby will be absolutely fine if you leave him to resettle himself. Let him cry for a bit, you never know he might resettle. It will break your heart but might help resolve the night-wakes! Also, do you have a blackout blind? That should help a little. If you spend an hour and a half resettling him (who wouldn't want that love and attention!) he will want it every time. I speak from experience here and wish Ii had the guts to do some if the things I did earlier.

I hope these little tips help. I know how hard this time is, especially when there is no end in sight. We have no relatives to rely on and I found that blur to be the hardest time of my life. Big hugs -- it will eventually get better! But to think clearly, you first need to find a way to get some rest. Good luck!

Blimey - well I'm toast - DS6 wakes up in the night at least once a week...glad you weren't in my baby & toddler group - NeoTad seriously, you are not helping - you sound like a MIL from hell back in the 50s. If you want to help then give practical advice not slag people off who find it hard because, headline: it can be very hard! Blaming OP is not kind

Re: the alarm

OP's DH sleeps so soundly/deeply his alarm doesn't wake him, but wakes OP. It'd just keep ringing if she didn't rouse him. An extra torture for the sleep deprived!

He might be depressed? If things don't change then you certainly will be.

Get your hv round to give him a good talking to about how to introduce the bottle, the importance of routine, the importance that you both get quality downtime and above all, sleep.

He might become better when your boy's 3 or 4 and more stimulating. You could wait for then, of course, but the seething pit of resentment will be a much greater problem by then, possibly insurmountable. Perhaps telling that will focus his attention.

Stop paying the bills. The financial set up really is ridiculous and inexcusable.

Re: the alarm

Fitbit type trackers vibrate on the wrist as an alarm. That should stop op or baby being woken by the alarm.

Men. How long do I have. They are generally scared of babies and pretty useless at that stage (with exceptions of course, but there are few of them out there!) You sound like you were in control in your job, you have to do the same here. Sorry. Mine wouldn't walk them without me in case something happened. They are not wired the same way. I thought mine would be different, but he wasn't.

No, really, they're not. Plenty of men are perfectly competent parents to new babies. My partner had never held a baby before, but oddly enough he learned alongside me because neither of us had dealt with a newborn before.

Stop excusing crap behaviour with the idea they're 'wired differently'.

Ffs why do so many women make excuses for useless men? I'd be fucking ashamed of it were my son being so pathetic.

The OP is married to fool who can't even put on a baby sleeping bag correctly (inside out fgs?) but she's the one getting stick for not coping?
Presumably he's not so thick he can't see that his own wife is struggling and he can't even be bothered to notice something so simple even a 5 year old could see it! Bloody hell even toddlers can find their own clothes but a grown man can't find a baby grow in a drawer!
This is deliberate, it has to be. If he can hold down a high powered job then he can do this. It's pathetic.
YANBU OP, but he is totally U as are the apologists on here.

Five month old babies really shouldn't be awake at night like this. TBH the OP needs to choose betweeen breastfeeding and cosleeping (baby right next to her so that she doesn't need to get up at night) or a bottle feed routine.

That's such bollocks. All babies reach stages at different times, none of mine slept well before 7 months. As for having to choose between BF or bottle, that's also complete bollocks. I BF for a year and didn't need to co-sleep. They slept for longer periods shortly after they began weaning.

OP, one thing you'll learn as a new parent is that people are quick to give advice, much of in contradictory. The best thing you can do is find your own way, whatever works for you and your baby. Chuck the rest out!

Honestly userblahblahblah, I'm sure your advice is well meaning, but the benefits of BFing are NOT merely marginal after 6m. Your advice is essentially to put a BF baby onto formula, accept that men are twats, and do controlled crying. Not really what the OP has asked for (and from what I could glean, the bottle problem is that the child won't take a bottle AT ALL, of any milk.)

I really hope that all of the bickering and patriarchal apologist behaviour going on in this section of the thread has not scared off the OP.

As for those who seem determined to kick a gal when she's down, that's not what this website is all about. I also don't think you'd do it if you were face to face, which says more about you than it does the OP.

None of us were born knowing how to deal with a newborn. We've all been taught one way or another, so yes, the OP needs to learn how to navigate her way around having a baby, but then so has every other woman on the planet all through the ages. It's as obvious a need as breathing. Even the best-taught, well-versed, come across problems they struggle to find practical solutions for. Not every situation is text-book.

The OP is long-term tired after a really hard pregnancy and recovering from a hard birth/big operation too. That's before 5 months of sleep deprivation. I think the old saying of walking a mile in someone else's shoes is apt here. You have no idea what she's been through, so how about a bit of good old fashioned moral support, hey?

Actually, my DP was depressed. He still struggles with it and at times barely helps out. OP's husband sounds like he is in the same place. I was no excusing his actions I was angry. Depression makes people, dare I say it, selfish? But shouting at them will not resolve anything and will make matters worse. You have to survive, ideally help your DP and prioritise the most vulnerable could be your DS or your DP. Only you know the deal.

Im not happy with the excusing of the husband's failings here. There is no excuse for him to not do his reasonable fair share when at home. Fair share will not always be 50:50, but it will always be fair.

OP I could have written your post 2 years ago. Down to the "such a deep sleeper"bullshit, and the v senior job but conveniently a simpleton at home. Except for the money bit, all our money is joint. It is NUTS that you are doing 100% of the Childcare with no income and paying 50%. That's one issue that can be sorted fairly quickly if your DH genuinely wants to and if he doesn't I would be very 🤔

DH was a useless fuck and I wanted to divorce him every day for the first year of DS' life. Left everything to me. I genuinely felt burning rage towards him most of the time. It has improved vastly now DS is an active toddler, our division of childcare is much fairer (but not 50/50 and still a cause of tension at times). He acknowledges now he didn't pull his weight which is something.

I don't have a lot of advice except that it does get easier, unless your DH is a dyed in the wool arsehole he will step up once the baby is bigger.

We are thinking of trying for another baby and I will be keeping our nanny on 2 days a week so I can catch up on sleep during the day & don't end up exhausted and enraged like I was last time. That's very privileged I know. I could never have had a smaller gap - DS will be 3.5 by the time we have another, if we do- the sleep deprivation with a 2 year gap would have killed me.

Anyway - it's tough. It gets easier 💐

@Cardinalcat. BF vs health and wellbeing of mother (and hence her ability to provide care for her child). I didn't say BF was marginal in its own right, only in context. I nearly ended up in hospital because I tried to do everything right and people like you kept telling me there is a right and a wrong way. The world is not black and white.

You have to survive, ideally help your DP and prioritise the most vulnerable -- could be your DS or your DP.

Oh fuck off. Seriously.

Tiny vulnerable baby.

Woman who had a traumatic labour, major blood loss and emergency section, who is breastfeeding, and on top of that, sleep deprived.

Man who has carried on his normal life without, by the sounds of it, having to make any sort of physical, mental or financial sacrifices.

But yes, poor him. It might be him who's vulnerable.

In your shoes, I would:

• sleep in a different room with the baby. Your H can be responsible for getting himself up in the morning, it isn't your responsibility to be his alarm call.

• try giving your baby expressed milk from a cup. Neither of my babies would take a bottle, but both would use a soft spout cup from about 3/4 months.

• determine a set period of time at the weekend when DH is in charge of the baby. If the baby does take expressed milk from a cup, you could go out for a couple of hours and leave DH in charge.

• tell DH that you will have no funds to pay bills as of x date, so he needs to make the relevant adjustments.

Such a depressing thread. Your DH is a total prick. It's not by accident. This suits him. Go away for as long as possible if you can bare to. Let him work it out.

P.S I mainly BFed DS til 10 months - did one bottle FF in the evening. Seemed to help him sleep in a 6 hour chunk from 7 ish. Ofc not an option if you have a bottle refuser!

Co sleeping never worked for me as I was completely paranoid about getting the baby lost in the bed. I used to wake up at least once a week scrabbling in the bedclothes looking for him although I don't think he ever once actually slept in the bed 😁

I am angry for you.
His ds is up at 5:30 but he gets up at 6?
The money situation.
The sleeping bag bit 😱😡

I think that you have to be blunt and tell him what needs to be done before it risks your marriage.

He has to set an alarm for an hour or two before he needs to get up. (He's getting an early night without interruption) He will look after baby if he wakes up. If not, he needs to do some housework. He's an adult, husband and a father- this can't be outsourced.

Just tell him to use some fucking common sense. Teen ds was babysitting and baby needed a change of clothes. It was obvious from the chest of drawers (and the clothes that the baby was wearing) that a vest and sleepsuit should be replaced with another vest and sleepsuit. Has he never seen ds in a sleeping bag? It's obvious where the zip goes then. 😡

Cancel the direct debit to the expenses account. Tell him that he needs to change his.

Once baby is weaned and drinking fluids other than breast milk, he needs to be in charge for hours. None of this 40 mins and begging you to take over shit. What does he normally do on a weekend? Does he have any hobbies that he can share with him like music?

The less you do with babies, the more awkward you feel doing it. Women often have no experience looking after babies before they are born. He needs to get stuck in and improve. He should be embarrassed about not doing better. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. When you go back to work, he will have to do closer to
50/50. If he doesn't practice baby care now, it's just going to be harder when he's mobile and trying to resist.

'Actually, my DP was depressed. He still struggles with it and at times barely helps out. '

'Helps out'? This is his child. Funny how all these 'depressed' men function perfectly well at work and socially outside the home .

And then all these oh-so-helpful suggestions about how the exhausted, stressed woman can sort out the useless man.

Exactly Crazed - you learn by doing.

I used to say this all the time

DH: but I don't know how to [insert incapable statement]

Me: guess what you fuckwit we've been parents for the exact same amount of time, figure it out like I had to