To be increasingly filled with seething resentment towards DH

[endofmytether1000]

WARNING: extremely long! I have NCed, am a regular MNetter.

DS is 5 months old. I am on ML from a very high pressure, very high paid job. DH also has a high pressure, very high paid job that he doesn't particularly like and causes him a lot of stress (but that he will not change as he is too scared to).

DS was an ivf pregnancy due to anovulatory PCOS, and I then had HG in pregnancy which was reasonably well controlled by meds so that I could keep working. I went into labour early (37w) on my final day of work before ML started (groan) and had a very long and complicated delivery culminating in a crash section losing 2L of blood with a bladder prolapse. I am ebf and since 14 weeks DS has refused to take much from a bottle.

Because I'm ebf I have done all night waking/feedings since birth which I've been happy to do, no point both of us being up etc etc. DS doesn't sleep much during he day (the dreaded 40 minute sleep cycle!) but has been a reasonable sleeper for the most part - 1-2 night wakings and quick to resettle.

HOWEVER, now things are changing and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my dh. Am too tired to make this coherent but a few "highlights" - sorry for length but trying not to drip feed

• DS has stopped being a reasonable sleeper/resettler and is now waking at midnight, 330am and 530am. He is not actually hungry but will ofc when held to my chest eventually go for my boob. DS has also started to fight against sleeping in his cot / he wants to sleep with us/on me! So it is taking c 1-1.5hrs to resettle him, which means the sleep time between feeds is more like 1-1.5hrs. DH sleeps through all night wakings with a pillow over his head, snoring heavily. If I shake him awake to help me with settling DS he will do so under great sufferance, and if he does get DS down in his cot he will immediately go back to bed with his pillow so that when DS cries out again (because he's not properly settled) I either have to go to him myself or shake dh awake again. So I end up just feeding DS as I can't really hold him off by myself. DH is such a heavy sleeper that he sets his alarm for eg 6am - it will go off, wake me up and then I have to shake dh awake. This morning I was awake from 330-530am and then dh's alarm went off at 6am and I had to wake him
• dh constantly tells me that "we really need to push DS to take the bottle" however will not do anything to help me - I tried to introduce a dream feed with a bottle but I would go up to bed at 1030/11 after expressing and dh would be asleep with his head under the pillow and refuse to wake up. Similarly he will not commit to being home for either the 7am or bedtime feed for eg 2 weeks to get DS used to a bottle. So I have to try to give it to DS myself and obviously he won't take it from me.
• on weekends I do almost all of the child care. Dh will take him if I specifically ask but only for the minimum amount of time I ask for (eg yesterday I asked him to look after DS whilst I had a "quick bath" - I was having a nice soak and after 40 minutes dh came up to the bathroom and said "I thought you were only having a quick soak, when will you be done?"). If I want him to look after DS for multiple periods he will claim he "has to do some work today" and disappear to his study.
• dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him.
• similarly I have to do anything related to DS care eg I am looking for a full time nanny at the moment and I am doing all searching, interviewing. I research the cot and all the various bits of kit he needs. &etc
• I do not get paid ML past the first 6 weeks (crap industry) yet I am still funding 50% of all our household expenses. This includes paying rent, all bills and expenses plus 50% of a mortgage on a house we are currently renovating and will move into. I have told dh that I think this is unfair and he keeps promising that we will "sort it out" but it is never the right time to talk about it
• our sex life is non existent as dh has lost his libido. We had sex once in the third trimester of my pregnancy and have had sex once since he was born. Before that it was slowly slipping to once a month territory. I am trying not to pressure dh but he literally has no interest in me at all and i find that really hard.

On the other hand, I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours. Dh keeps saying "get more help" but it is difficult to find part time help plus ofc DS doesn't take a bottle so it doesn't really free me to do much during the day as I always have to be available to feed.

All this is coming to a head I think because I now have chronic sleep deprivation - I haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep since DS was born and the last 3 weeks not more than 1.5 hours at a time. I had zero maternity leave pre baby (literally went from office to hospital) and had a very stressful run up to leaving plus ofc was still vomiting from the HG so was not well rested going into this. Plus I have had a very slow recovery from my section and have not been able to do sufficient amounts of exercise to help that. I feel like I am doing childcare 24/7, shouldering 50% of my financial obligations and do not have a functioning marital relationship, whilst my husband basically continues with his pre kids life and is perfectly happy. I am going back to work in 6 weeks and am beyond stressed about it. Sometimes when I am trying to settle DS at night and he is snoring next to me I want to commit violence. But I also know i am hormonal and sleep deprived so am not sure what to do about it.

Not sure what I really want from this post other than somewhere to vent! Thank you for making it this far :)

I still thought it my responsibility not to torture the whole family by doing my utmost to ensure peaceful nights for everyone.

Where did I say I was trying to torture dh for the sake of it? My point, which perhaps I wasn't clear about, was that I believe that DS is ready to stop feeding at night but that it was difficult for me, as the milk source, to effect that change. I have 2 options: 1) get dh to help, even though it will make him tired at work the next day/ on the weekend or 2) spend £1400 a week on a night nurse. I wanted to see if I was being terribly unreasonable to at least try option 1 before going to 2. You may think I am BU, but I am not a sadist who is asking my dh to get up with me for the sake of it. I've done all night wakings since the day we came home from hospital.

To whomever asked about teeth - it may well be. He has 2 already - the first one came through just before he was 4 months horrifying. He's been a drool monster ever since.

And in terms of bottles - he happily took all sorts of bottles until he was around 14 weeks old. We deliberately started him early with expressed milk. knowing it would be helpful. He just had other plans!

Get a night nanny. Get DH to pay. Your DH clearly has limitations. You can leave him as many have suggested, or you can get professional help in as you seem to be able to afford it (?) and sort out the sleeping. Then concentrate on his contribution and other issues. Sort the sleep first. If you can't sort it; nor will he be able to! You need professional help to establish a decent sleep routine which should be possible at this stage. Not talking about "sleeping through", just some sort of vaguely decent sleep blocks.

1. let the lazy cunt sleep through the alarm
   If he gets in touch trouble at work be sure to tell his manager that he is not helping at home AT ALL

2. everything that Expat says

As if her ears were tingling, my lovely night nurse has just texted me out of the blue to say that her current job is overdue so if I want some nights this week she has time. Hurrah!

ps FATE I don't agree with most of what you've posted on this thread but your vibrating fit bit idea is genius. We don't allow screens in our bedroom so current alarm is an old fashioned clock that appears to be pitched at females only. This is much better. Thanks!

Good luck with the night nurse OP. However if you don't sort out the DH issue then getting him to drink a bottle of EBM or formula won't help a lot, as he still needs to give it once in a while!

Endofmyteather - I'd still strongly advocate separate bedrooms for even a short while. You need some sleep and that's going to be a lot easier without a snoring DH beside you.

4-5 months is the first sleep regression. If your DS wants milk at night (perfectly normal at 5 months) then he is not ready to go without. You could train him to fall back asleep without however, that's what sleep training is about, although generally not recommended below 9 months.

I really feel for you trying to get your baby to take a bottle. My DD2 refused and would scream endlessly rather than take a bottle. My mum tried for12hs + on one occasion. It was so hard, but finally we managed to find a cup, a two handled tippee cup. It had a plastic value in to to slow the flow but we took it out & the milk just initially dripped all over her. BUT. It worked- she started to take it & liked holding the handles. Eventually we put the valve back in and I was able to hand her over a bit more often. I think I tried around 8-10 cups before we had any success though. Good luck.

Five month old babies really shouldn't be awake at night like this

hahahahahahahaha!

Op - there is a book called "The no cry baby sleep solution" by someone called Elizabeth Pantley.

The thing I liked about it was that it is along the lines of "here are some things that a group of us tried and seemed to work - you can use one, some or all of them". As opposed to most of the other books which are along the lines of "at 2:23pm end their nap, if you do this at 2:24pm then the whole system will collapse and they will not sleep for more than 17 minutes for at least a year!"

It isn't miraculous but it does help a bit.

Is neotrad SWMNBN?

Thanks all for the tips. I've read quite a few books (yes I'm that type of mother) but not the NCSS so will check that out. TBH the one thing they all have in common is that you must be consistent with whatever approach you choose, which is where we are going a bit wrong I think - especially at the moment when I'm tired, I'll give in and do anything for a bit more sleep!

I am quietly hopeful re the cup/bottle as DS loves spoons - he will happily take EBM off a spoon - and also loves holding bottles (ironic); he will eg grab water bottles off me and try to "drink" from them. I am going to start weaning him this week and hoping that he takes to the cup - will try that shortly after.

DH just called (he's on a business trip in Europe tonight) and was very contrite about everything - clearly my icy anger has got through! We're going to sit down and have a proper talk later this week.

I should also point out that the alarm thing predates DS and has ALWAYS annoyed the shit out of me - it's been one of those niggly little things between us. I just don't understand why tf you would continue to use an alarm you can't actually hear!

Get a sleep consultant plus one of her maternity nurses who follows her methods. That's what I did.
It will be all completely sorted in a week.

I never thought stopping breastfeeding was the answer by the way. I never gave a bottle to any of my 5 babies ever despite being back at work at 2 - 4 weeks (although their nanny when I was not at home gave them my milk from bottles). I would not expect a breastfed baby when it was with its mother to want anything other than the breast - I think it's lovely they want that only but it's exhausting at the time particularly if you get a non sleeper. Isn't breastfeeding easier and much quicke than fussing around with bottles at night?

Could you not work it so the baby gets used to one bottle feed from its father a day when he's around but you never bottle feed it so it associated breastfeeding with you and bottles with its daddy?

I never weaned a baby - they always gave up on me first around 1 year to 18 months.

The night waking young baby is one thing.... Very 'normal' and you sound like you've got lots of advice/things to think about. Your dh on the other hand .... When dd was about 8 or 9 months old I was on my knees. She was still feeding about every 1.5 to 3 hours day and night and was an awful sleeper and bottle refuser. I was broken, but dh noticed and acted. He took over night wakings for a week (it was no use me trying to settle her as she just wanted boob). He spent 7 or 8 fairly sleepless nights soothing and settling her.... It got better and then a few weeks later she didn't 'need' milk. But he is a normal human being, a good parent and partner (and I should add at that point was a COO so hardly in a non stressful job).
Sorry to say but you need to sit your dh down and explain clearly the issues and the resentment it is breeding...

Give it another month or so, then get in a sleep consultant to help you sleep train. Yes, babies do wake in the night, but they do not need to wake every two hours or so past around 6 months. I say this as a massive breastfeeding advocate, who bf my eldest to 18 months when I was pregnant with my second, who I also plan to feed long term. I actually get really cross at the people that suggest that breastfeeding and sleeping training /decent sleep are mutually exclusive. They are not.

I won't advise you on your husband. You sound like you have that well in hand.

OP. Not going to post a long reply as I'm on MN when i'm supposed to be prepping for an important work thing tomorrow.

Just to say I have been where you are. Similar set of car crash major life events happening around the arrival of our first.

DH also opted out to a great extent and left me to it. I too was seething with resentment. We worked through it. First born now four and DH recently (spontaneously) told me that looking back he realises he 'got it all wrong' when she was little and now regrets leaving it all to me (I got ill after she was born and he blames himself for it now).

So. This is fixable. With or without your DH. I seriously considered leaving mine during the first year, in fact had privately decided to after a particular low after I was hospitalised when DD was four months. Only didn't because I was in not fit state to and was waiting until things stabilised.

things I wished i'd known:

1. you can't fix this all at once. Priortise what you want to get better first. Addressing stuff with him probably comes later when you are in better shape.
2. get whatever help works to improve the stuff that most matter to you. Night nanny sounds good. Or go to stay with friends and family if htat would help you. Having some time apart and leaving your DH to stew in his own juice for a while may well be a good thing.
3. Babies. You sound similar to me in some ways. I spent a lot of time trying to 'fix' DD's sleep. following the routines to the letter (HELLO GINA). Looking back I now realise almost all sleep problems are over tiredness. And by following the rules (because I'm an efficient high achiever!) I was making things worse. My baby was (still is) a night owl. If she needs more sleep she sleeps in in the morning. I kept ruining this by waking her at 8am on the dot, because Gina said if I didn't things would go to shit (and to be fair, the Gina approach worked v well from 4-12 weeks). But she was tired. Not many baby book tell you that not all babies follow the early to sleep pattern.
4. Go out and leave you DH to it from time to time. Doesn't sound possible at the mo, but if getting your baby onto the bottle is your goal, once that's working, off you go. In fact I would get the night nanny to teach DH how to do some stuff. You book yourself a night in a hotel while she does that. As you say he is an intelligent man. If you're not there, and not coming back for several hours, he will have to work it out. I did this by a) insisting DH did one day a week with the baby when I went back to work at seven months, unitl she was one. We agreed this before she was born, I held him to it. He was reluctant then did it and loved it (he's an investment banker FYI). Dramatically improved our weekends too. Then I booked myself onto some courses etc at the weekend, making sure they came around every few months. I still do this now, having expanded to nights away as she's grown up. DH REALLY APPRECIATES me when I get back. Having to do it himself keeps his eye in on skills, builds their relationship, and reminds him by omission of all the stuff I do.

After I'd gone back to work we had a further redistriubiton of chores (e.g. he processes all our washing and pays our cleaning lady, I do the food). But not after I'd done all that for a few months and we had a big row.

Money: NO. Stop that right now. DH paid all our household and living expenses while I was on mat leave so I could live off the mat leave money (likewise only got statutory). When I went back we resumed our previous arrangement where we each pay into our join account on the ratio of our earnings. Joint account covers all household bills including childcare.

OK so a big long post after all! Back to my presentation!

I had one of the most colicky babies I've ever heard of. Horrendous sleep for months and months. Some nights only two sets of 20 minutes if I tried to do it on my own. This went on for six months and was still bad until he was 1.5. Two pieces of practical advice:

1. yes, pay someone to help. If I'd been lucky enough to have a second child and they had been anywhere near as awful I would have paid out of savings to get someone in some nights to see us through the worst of it. My PND was certainly in part caused by sheer exhaustion and although I'm not highly paid I could afford someone for a bit and would never put myself through that year again knowing what I know now.

2. sharing duties with DH (only works if DH is helpful/a proper co-parent). We divided the night in two so until 1am he got up with DC, after that I did (I was SAHM/on ML but due to colic my DH had to do a lot more than he would have with an easier sleeper). We also divided the evening into half hour slots so when you were sitting with/rocking an inconsolable DC you knew you only had to get to the end of that half hour. If DC settled that was a bonus but didn't affect next half hour - turns kept rolling. This stopped us arguing about whose turn it was. I believe this pretty much saved us over a few horrible months.

goodluck thank you - lots of similarities there. And I may well put my foot down and insist dh goes 4 days a week if he doesn't take SPL.

hedgehog yes if this doesn't settle down in the next 4 weeks I will definitely get a sleep consultant. One thing I forgot to mention in my sleep deprivation is that DS is at the tail end of some pretty serious jet lag. I don't think that explains what's going on but I want to give him a good month before bringing in experts.

Thanks to everyone else for tips - I do appreciate you talking me down. I started reading How Not To Kill Your Husband After Kids last night and in amongst the humour and pathos there are some great practical tips in there too.

Have you told him that when he works at a job you hate while you stay at home, every day he does this is actually pointless because you're the one who supports the household anyway?

Have you informed him he's shit at looking after his own child?

Have you pointed out that he does nothing competently and it isn't worth him having bothered to do any of the things he puts an effort in.

If you have kept him posted on all this stuff, I can't work out what could be making him miserable, or why he wouldn't want to shag you frankly. YANBU.

Er...what things he puts an effort into?

What's she supposed to say in your version of things?

Just a thought- does your h ever talk to other dads? When ex's colleagues changed from mainly single men to people with kids, he started to take more of an active interest in childcare. For example, other dads recommended letting baby sleep by the dishwasher or washing machine (white noise) and bought him an MP3 of waterfall sounds to help ds sleep. I used to do all nights but around this time, he suggested he do the night shift one night a week (he slept in Saturday morning and I got Sunday morning) and it was pure bliss.
What I'm trying to say is that your h has strange ideas about children and hanging out with other men might help him realize that his upbringing wasn't normal. He can't breastfeed but seeing other men be dads might have an effect?

It's very important to accept your other half can be better than you with babies. I was more than happy to dump babies on a husband and say get on with it mate. All you need is working arms to hold and change a baby. I found learned helplessness at home works really well - eg at one stage I did not know how to work the washing machine as my husband did all of that (we had children in cloth nappies in the 80s. In fact before we even married we agreed we would be equal parents with no sexism and feminism an important principle. Don't tolerate sexism even for a day and get back to work having found that nanny and it will all sort itself out in a fair way. Also make sure it is utterly understood that you will not be jeopardising your career for man and you will each have the same number of days collecting the child/getting home for the nanny. If the husband is going to be late on his day then he needs to call the nanny and sort it all out. Don't just delegate have clear reponsibilities - eg my husband took the children to the dentist for 17 years and I never once had to think about dentists. Don't become the person who is responsible for everything.

Have you tried the Haberman special needs feeder?

www.amazon.co.uk/Medela-008-0112-Special-Needs-Feeder/dp/B000W728LA?tag=mumsnetforum-21

It's got a good reputation for babies who won't take normal bottles.

is he depressed, is he fuck. He is an idle lazy shit. Have a right old showdown with him and wake him up. There is no excuse for his lazy shitty behaviour.
Inside out back to front clothing, is he an idiot or what.
Quite frankly I'd be terrified to leave the baby with him at all!!!
Stop paying the bills, if he wants to cop out of parenting make damn sure you cop out of bill paying, housework, cooking etc etc.
Jesus some men make me want to vomit.
I'm amazed you are interested in sex after all this, I couldn't think about it for at least a year after giving birth!