To be increasingly filled with seething resentment towards DH

[endofmytether1000]

WARNING: extremely long! I have NCed, am a regular MNetter.

DS is 5 months old. I am on ML from a very high pressure, very high paid job. DH also has a high pressure, very high paid job that he doesn't particularly like and causes him a lot of stress (but that he will not change as he is too scared to).

DS was an ivf pregnancy due to anovulatory PCOS, and I then had HG in pregnancy which was reasonably well controlled by meds so that I could keep working. I went into labour early (37w) on my final day of work before ML started (groan) and had a very long and complicated delivery culminating in a crash section losing 2L of blood with a bladder prolapse. I am ebf and since 14 weeks DS has refused to take much from a bottle.

Because I'm ebf I have done all night waking/feedings since birth which I've been happy to do, no point both of us being up etc etc. DS doesn't sleep much during he day (the dreaded 40 minute sleep cycle!) but has been a reasonable sleeper for the most part - 1-2 night wakings and quick to resettle.

HOWEVER, now things are changing and I am becoming increasingly resentful of my dh. Am too tired to make this coherent but a few "highlights" - sorry for length but trying not to drip feed

• DS has stopped being a reasonable sleeper/resettler and is now waking at midnight, 330am and 530am. He is not actually hungry but will ofc when held to my chest eventually go for my boob. DS has also started to fight against sleeping in his cot / he wants to sleep with us/on me! So it is taking c 1-1.5hrs to resettle him, which means the sleep time between feeds is more like 1-1.5hrs. DH sleeps through all night wakings with a pillow over his head, snoring heavily. If I shake him awake to help me with settling DS he will do so under great sufferance, and if he does get DS down in his cot he will immediately go back to bed with his pillow so that when DS cries out again (because he's not properly settled) I either have to go to him myself or shake dh awake again. So I end up just feeding DS as I can't really hold him off by myself. DH is such a heavy sleeper that he sets his alarm for eg 6am - it will go off, wake me up and then I have to shake dh awake. This morning I was awake from 330-530am and then dh's alarm went off at 6am and I had to wake him
• dh constantly tells me that "we really need to push DS to take the bottle" however will not do anything to help me - I tried to introduce a dream feed with a bottle but I would go up to bed at 1030/11 after expressing and dh would be asleep with his head under the pillow and refuse to wake up. Similarly he will not commit to being home for either the 7am or bedtime feed for eg 2 weeks to get DS used to a bottle. So I have to try to give it to DS myself and obviously he won't take it from me.
• on weekends I do almost all of the child care. Dh will take him if I specifically ask but only for the minimum amount of time I ask for (eg yesterday I asked him to look after DS whilst I had a "quick bath" - I was having a nice soak and after 40 minutes dh came up to the bathroom and said "I thought you were only having a quick soak, when will you be done?"). If I want him to look after DS for multiple periods he will claim he "has to do some work today" and disappear to his study.
• dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him.
• similarly I have to do anything related to DS care eg I am looking for a full time nanny at the moment and I am doing all searching, interviewing. I research the cot and all the various bits of kit he needs. &etc
• I do not get paid ML past the first 6 weeks (crap industry) yet I am still funding 50% of all our household expenses. This includes paying rent, all bills and expenses plus 50% of a mortgage on a house we are currently renovating and will move into. I have told dh that I think this is unfair and he keeps promising that we will "sort it out" but it is never the right time to talk about it
• our sex life is non existent as dh has lost his libido. We had sex once in the third trimester of my pregnancy and have had sex once since he was born. Before that it was slowly slipping to once a month territory. I am trying not to pressure dh but he literally has no interest in me at all and i find that really hard.

On the other hand, I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours. Dh keeps saying "get more help" but it is difficult to find part time help plus ofc DS doesn't take a bottle so it doesn't really free me to do much during the day as I always have to be available to feed.

All this is coming to a head I think because I now have chronic sleep deprivation - I haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep since DS was born and the last 3 weeks not more than 1.5 hours at a time. I had zero maternity leave pre baby (literally went from office to hospital) and had a very stressful run up to leaving plus ofc was still vomiting from the HG so was not well rested going into this. Plus I have had a very slow recovery from my section and have not been able to do sufficient amounts of exercise to help that. I feel like I am doing childcare 24/7, shouldering 50% of my financial obligations and do not have a functioning marital relationship, whilst my husband basically continues with his pre kids life and is perfectly happy. I am going back to work in 6 weeks and am beyond stressed about it. Sometimes when I am trying to settle DS at night and he is snoring next to me I want to commit violence. But I also know i am hormonal and sleep deprived so am not sure what to do about it.

Not sure what I really want from this post other than somewhere to vent! Thank you for making it this far :)

First thought - if money's not tight hire a sleep consultant to come stay for a week and help baby get into a pattern and you at least some sleep. Once you've had some sleep then move onto the other stuff.

Have you discussed makibg major lifestyle changes? Like selling up, moving somewhere cheaper, into lower paid, lower pressure jobs? Might be worth talking to dh about that. However, his behaviour is not good & financially he's taking the piss.

What does ofc mean?

Have you told him what you have said here? yanbu, he has abdicated parenting responsibility and needs to step up.

Can you make friday nights his? He gets up, deals with the baby, you get saturday am sleep in, he gets sunday?

Is he hell depressed. He's just a shirker who doesn't want to take responsibility. He knows you will no matter what. Why do you feel you can't just make a unilateral decision about finances? Are you scared of him? Just stop paying. Get tough, otherwise this situation will just limp on and you will end up going nuclear or falling off the end of a cliff. Buy in more help too, with everything. No, it won't fix the relationship but it will address some of the practical stuff in the here and now.

Despressed? I think not.

He sounds absolutely fucking useless, lazy, thoughtless, inconsiderate and twattish.

He needs to get more involved with his own dc - and fast.

Print out your post here and give it to him.

His reaction and what he does should tell you a lot.

If you were to split up, it wouldn't actually mean any more work for you, would it?

I agree that you should have family money and not his and yours but with current situation I would explain to him how desperate you are and explain that once you RTW soon the night feeds will need to be 50/50 unless you crack this and then suggest HE pay for one of these nannys who can stay for a couple of weeks day and night and sort the bottle feeds and establish a workable sleep pattern etc.

webavetwogorgeouscats I agree with you that Sunday night through Thursday night the night should be the responsibility of the parent on ML typically provided the baby is a "normal" sleep/waker.

However, provided the parent who is not on ML works 5 days a week and not 7, why should I the parent on ML be expected to work 7 days a week with no rest time either?

I think Friday and Saturday night should be split so that ML parent gets one full night to themself to sleep and have a lie in, and the parent not on ML has one night to chill and get a good lie in.

During Periods of transition, such as trying to teach baby to take a bottle, non ML parent may need to step up by doing last feed with the bottle (if non ML parent is not the BF parent that is)- the reason for this is that babies will often struggle to take a bottle from a BF parent as they can smell the milk on them and they'll hold out for the boob!

Surely you choose as a partnership to have a baby and you deal with the baby as a partnership!

dh will not use his brain AT ALL with DS - he will literally do exactly what I tell him and no more. Some recent examples - he gave DS a bath last night (he does this 1-2 nights a week), I lay out all DS sleep clothes whilst he baths him (as he "doesn't know what he should be wearing") and I put his sleeping bag on the bed. DH put it on backwards and inside out "because that's how you left it". FYI I don't care about it being on backwards but wtf?! This man has a masters degree and runs big complicated business projects at work. More seriously he has given DS too much calpol in the past because "you didn't tell me there are 2 doses in the sachet" (it's written clearly on the packet). I am so tired of having to ALL the thinking for him

This is deliberate. He resents you for asking him to do anything for your DS. He is even prepared to risk your son's safety by giving a double dose of Calpol, so keen is he to make this point. Whether he is depressed or not, this is the action of an utter tosser.

I would give him a couple of months to get his act together - starting now - or LTB.

And I agree with the pp about sleep deprivation. You must get a couple of nights of decent sleep. As money's not tight, hire a night nanny to help getting DS onto the bottle/cup feeds. Even if you still end up doing some of the actual feeds, the nanny can settle him afterwards.

I'd seriously consider leaving such a selfish man.

So you both have well paid jobs, your SH has a very high paid job... Get a maternity nurse or a full time night-nanny! Why are you looking for only part-time help Save yourself and get round-the-clock or full time help during the night at a minimum.

*DH

YANBU. I've ebf for 18 months, & been back to work since 9 months. I've done most night wakings but DH has done what he can after massive rows around the 4/5 month mark! The sleep deprivation is impossible. Things chNged for us when I was in tears every am & physically fell onto my knees while holding dd. DH finally realised the toll & how dangerous it was!

I slept separately from dd & DH brought her to me for feeds which did help her sleep longer. He wouldn't bottle feed but did help as much as poss. Say you both work 7-7, the nights then need to be shared. My job's high pressure but dd has to be looked after - working is no excuse for your DH to avoid helping. Doing the midnight feed at least would help you so much & not be that bad for him in the scheme of things.

Your problem is not your DH. Your problem is a highly pressurized lifestyle. Having a baby has tipped you over the edge (babies are a lot of work and very tiring). Get a FT nanny/housekeeper.

You just sound like you need a bit sit down chat. Did you not discuss any of this before your IVF?

I think you need a nanny. And your DP needs a dr as I think he's depressed.

Surely you need a nanny anyway for when you return to work?

Running to a work meeting (yes on my mat leave!) so will check back in later but a couple of quick things

• we've had a couple of night nannies come for a week - he still holds out with the bottle. Both of them have said we need to be consistently offering for weeks to crack it - which obv we can't do!
• I know the practical answer is to get more help but I resent having to fork out £200 per day for a nanny to replace a useless dh! Plus I don't WANT DS looked after by a nanny during the day - I just need some bloody sleep!
• re the calpol - he was distraught when I pointed out the mistake. Cried buckets of tears. I don't think he's a twat, he's just not getting it
• he is great with DS (who is genuinely a happy go lucky charming little boy) but finds him exhausting. (As do I!) so not scared of him st all. He does bath time with great gusto etc. It's just it doesn't happen regularly!

Anyway will be back in a couple of hours, thank you thank you for posts x

She does get help

I do have help - I have a part time nanny 2x a week for 4 hours

You are expecting far too much of your husband. Let it go and get a nanny (or you will end up divorced - surely it would be better to at least try getting in more help before giving up on your marriage?).

Looks like your husband has checked out of both fatherhood and marriage.

XDH was like this - barely touched the children, and similar with the finances. And I sucked it up because I felt guilty that I'd wanted children more than he did. Wasted half my life, and more importantly my children have grown up with no memories of nice things they did with their father and a very cynical view of marriage.

I wish I'd had Mumsnet back then - I might have ended the marriage much earlier and avoided the suicidal thoughts, debts run up during his redundancy that I never told him about and paid off myself, endless tension and resentment on both sides, and generally have had a much happier life.

Definitely go for separate bedrooms and sleep with your son. It is the only thing that saved my sanity.

Three issues.

1. Money, not far-Talk and sort it.

2.night time. This is not unusual and will pass but you need to get through and I would suggest separate bedrooms. It is completely normal to only be getting four hours sleep and you need to mentally adjust to getting very little sleep for a few weeks.

1. Him not doing anything with the baby. Sometimes it takes a while for the father to properly bond particularly until baby is walking and talking. You need to talk to him and tell him that you want to help him bond. Get into a routine of taking baby out for couple of hours Saturday morning

I never breastfed so not sure if this is true but my friends sweared by this bottle - minbie? Definitely keep on breastmilk if that's what you want to do :) Your husband might be feeling umconfident in his abilities right now I can't remember if you said first child or not. Maybe you could leave them to it on a Saturday if you can get the bottle alternative. You sound like you need a break as well, remember you can't run on empty. If there is anyone who can come to help even a babysitting service while you sleep more etc.
Have you and husband had much time to yourself since baby born?

I think what you're going through is not uncommon op, I had similar and it is very very difficult so lots of sympathy to you. I wouldn't write off your dp yet. Transitioning from couple to family is tough, for the man as well (even though God knows how they'd cope if they had to do the pregnancy, labour and recovery as well)! However, your dh may be struggling to cope with all the changes and his usual support, i.e. you, is not available. The fact he can only be with the baby for 40 minutes suggests to me that he is anxious and overwhelmed by the baby, and doesn't know how to care for a baby properly yet. I would try, if you're able in the sleep deprived fog, to approach him with some kindness, and firmly outline why you need more from him, while acknowledging that he is struggling too. Mutual support of each other makes the first year much easier (found that out the hard way). Best of luck

OP - I totally sympathise. DH never did any night feeds and I had to give him specific instructions about the most minimal task relating to babies. We had 3 and you would think by the third there would have been some improvement, but no.

BUT - I never had to worry about finances. All money was joint and I didn't have the pressure of having to return to work looming over me. You can cope with the sleep deprivation if at least you can envisage a light at the end of the tunnel when the baby will be in a better pattern and you will be able to recover, rather than going straight back to work wrecked and having had no breathing space.

My DH also used to trot out the "get a nanny" line, but there's only so much a nanny can do when you're EBF.

You are exhausted and shouldering nearly 100% of baby care and exactly the same level of financial responsibility and no option about returning to work in a fixed date. His life is hardly impacted really, is it? You have the worst of both worlds and he needs to realise this.